LADY LAW

Friday, 25 November

12:45

I put my folded arms on the bench in front of me, doubled over and rested my head on them but that in no way lessen the royal rumble goin’ down in my stomach.

From the corner of my eye (without liftin’ my head), I looked at the guy sittin to my right tryna make sure he didn’t hear the depressin’ noise (it seemed so loud) comin’ from my intestines; the unmistakable music of hunger was gettin’ the best of me. Gettin’ a hundred per cent concentration together had become a herculean task and the event we went for didn’t look like it was gon be wrapped up any time soon. I didn’t know that shit would drag on for that long!

 Earlier

 09:45

My thought as we pulled into the parkin’ lot was, “damn, we’re so fuckin’ late for this shit and it wasn’t like we weren’t told before hand to get our asses there on or before nine.”  But wait a sec; did I jus say we pulled into the parkin’ lot? Scratch that, there was no parkin’ lot; it was jus an unmarked open space with puddle of mud here and there.

People were already seated when we stepped in the buildin’ but good enough, the judge hadn’t arrived and that only meant one thing, the court wasn’t in session yet. We found a seat in the back as the clerks rounded up their paper works.

Are you guys thinkin’ what I suspect you’re thinkin’? With words like court, session, clerk and judge appearin’ in the same paragraph, there is no price for guessin that we (me and my boy Barry) were at the court house and guess what? It was the final day of our court case!

 Ah ha, the long arm of the law finally caught up wit his punk ass?

I’ve always known there was somethin’ criminal bout him?

Are those some of your thoughts? I know somethin’ like that crossed some of your minds, right? Well, am sorry to disappoint your lovely asses (and I say that in my sweetest of tone), the case wasn’t anythin’ criminal, I was civil! A gentleman like me will never soil his name by breakin’ bread wit criminals. Lmao!

The court case wasn’t ours per se but we had a huge business interest ridin’ on the outcome of that shit. Oh, you wanna know what the B.I is? Nah, I aint tellin’!

10:00

Three loud taps on the door behind the slightly elevated platform and the boomin’ voice of the male clerk told us (bout seventy five folks, yep I counted, I am detail like that) to get our butts up for the judge was comin’ through.

I quickly put my phone away, those three taps got me shook, they sounded  more like the angry knocks of a landlord on the door of a defaultin’ tenant early in the mornin’ jus before the tenant tried to sneak out to work!

11: 15

After the judge put that ass down and the male court clerk told us we could do the same, I sat myself down and promptly went back to my phone and y’all already know what I was gettin’ up to on that gadget, right? Facebookin’? tweetin’? None of the above, ah ha, you guys think you got my ass figured out, huh? I was freakin’ takin’ notes for this blog! Ok, I admit I did a lil FB’ing.

All the time I was takin’ notes of what folks were up to and FB’ing, some old codger sittin’ to my right kept tryna sneak a look into my phone as if he knew what I was doin? Barry (sittin’ on my left) joked about the judge puttin’ me on lockdown if I was caught romancin’ my phone in the courtroom (there was a bold notice on the wall that phones should be switched off).

And yep, the judge and her sidekick were chicks! The judge elegantly dressed her ass in a black suit and skirt, a red swelter on the inside, a stylish eye wear and a Tina Turner-like fake hair to match (black). She was tough and compassionate at the same time (judgin’ from the four cases she dealt with before the one we came for), I liked her. What! Did I fantasize about bonin’ that ass while the session dragged on? Nah, I didn’t, I was too hungry to start growin’ a dick over some fifty sum year old judge.

Case 1

The second clerk, a bored lookin’ pregnant woman read out an apology letter written by a driver to the court. In the letter, the dude said he couldn’t make an appearance cause he was attendin’ a relative’s funeral. The letter was so well written; I almost stood up to get my standin’ ovation on. Yeah that was how professional the letter sounded. Now, am not tryin’ to stereotype or anythin’ like that but that nigga couldn’t have penned that shit himself, I mean the letter had all the right legal registers in it. No way could your average driver write that, no way jose!

Case 2

A dude bagged 14 days in the slammer for contempt of court, nigga knocked some chick up and was dragged to court bout a year ago for shirking his responsibility. The court ordered the bitch ass to break the lady off some cash, nigga only paid less than ten percent and nothin’ else. He was summoned to court many times after the chick reported his ass to the law but the guy never showed up. Lady Law handed that ass a two weeks all expense paid trip to the prison!

Case 3 and 4

A divorce was granted to some guy after the now ex wife was summoned to the court severally and she was a no-show. Tops, the two of ‘em would be in their late twenties, kinda makes you wonder why some folks rush into gettin’ hitched.

The case of some pant saggin’ teenager who put somethin’ in the oven of some chick got postponed cause his mama was sufferin’ from high blood pressure and couldn’t be there as a witness. As he passed by me on his way back to his seat, I wanted to scream at the lil punk ass, “What were you thinkin’?” I wanted to reach out and smack his head Jet Li-style.

12:45

By the time “our” case started my stomach was already alive with a specially composed symphony by hunger, my intestines made so much noise I could hardly hear shit anymore, my head was bangin’ like a nympho on steroid but yessir, held it together.

14:10

The judge made her pronouncement, our people won; it was time for me and Barry to jet. And though the victory was a good thing for us (it enhanced an investment we made with the winners earlier in the year), the only thing on my mind was…yep, you guessed it, food!