DIG IT

Can I tell you guys a story? Nah, make that two lil stories.

Oh, I can?

Thanks!

Story One

Sometime ago, Somewhere…

Once Upon a Worker

Some rich old dude was travellin’ out of the country on a busness trip and he was goin’ to be gone for a minute. So he called his workers together (ten of them) and told their asses about his impendin’ trip and how long he would be gone for. He told them they would not be recievin’ any salaries durin’ his absence. The mood in the room darkened immediately at the mention of them not gettin’ salaries while the big man was gone. There was a lot of murmuring among the workers.

The rich man gently told them be quiet and said they need not worry cause he got them all covered. He said, “I got somethin’ else planned for you guys. I would not want like any worker of mine to be broke while am away” The workers were hella happy!

The day came, with his bags packed and shit, he called them workers together again and hooked each one of their asses up with some’ good of cash. He told them to go do business with it while he was gone. Ain’t that some rich nigga and very considerate bowse (as that fat ass Rick Ross would pronounce boss) Lol!

Anyways, the bowse went away for a year and came back refreshed. He sent word out to his men to come round so that they could kick it and get him updated on what they’ve been up to while he was overseas. The workers came through, they were happy to have the good man back; the atmosphere that day was carnival-like.

Puffin’ on Cuban cigar, the rich nigga told them bout his trip and how happy he was to acquire new and profitable businesses. Hennessey, moet and things were popped and they all drank a toast to his successful return. With all the toastin’, back-pattin’ and soft-soapin’ b.s done, he asked each worker what they did wit the moolah he hooked them up wit.

They first guy said he did good business and doubled the bread, the bowse was so pleased, he told the nigga to keep the loot and even gave him some more to top that shit up. The second nigga got the same reward from the bowse for doublin’ the chips he was given.

Then a bitch nigga came along, sayin’, “Boss, here is your moolah, it’s all there jus as you gave it to me. I wrapped it up nicely, dug the ground and kept it for you. See, I know you’re a very hard nigga to deal wit, you like to reap where you didn’t sow”

What! The rich nigga was pissed, if it was you, wouldn’t you be? I know I would be.

The boss was fumed, “what! You knew I was a hard nigga to deal wit. You knew I reap where I did not sow, right? so, why didn’t you put the cash in the bank, that way I woulda had interest on that shit. why nigga, why?”

The bowse turned to the first worker and told take the money from the stupid punkass and add it to his loot.

Story Two

Once Upon Rich Nigga

As darkness fell on the city one fateful evenin’, some policemen swooped down on a beautiful house somewhere in the metro. See, the five oh’s were workin’ on a tip, so the inhabitants of that crib had no clue what was about hit them, matter of fact, the man of the house, the HNIC (the head nigga in charge) was out on the town gettin’ his drink on wit some of his political cronies.

Like I said, the po-po’s were workin’ on a tip, so they went prepared with whatever was necessary; search warrant, shovels, diggers and stuff. Damn, those nigga weren’t playin, they meant business. With the location secured, they went to work.

What are you thinkin’ right now, huh?

You’re pro’ly thinkin’, “what the fuck were five-oh’s doin’ wit giggin’ equipment on somebody’s property at that time of the evenin’, right?”

Today
30 November

The first story was adapted from the Bible; Mark 19 verses 12-27! Ah ha, I got your asses wit that one didn’t I? Anyways, the second story happened last week Thursday, November 24 in the southern African country of Zambia! And where’s the connection between the two stories? The answer is in the words “DIG and MONEY”

So, guess what they dug up in that house?

K 2.1 Billion that was what the police exhumed! They fuckin’ dug up 2.1 billion kwacha from the ground.

Do the math and you’d come up wit about $520, 000 in greenback equivalent!

Has money started growin from the ground? Hell no, somebody put it there.

Is the culprit a mob boss, you asked?

Nah, the punkass is formal minister of labor in the regime that was voted out of government about two months ago!

Nigga dug the ground; wrap the loot up nicely like that punk ass from story 1 and buried K2.1 Billion jus like that! What was that mutherfucker thinkin’. Last time I checked, money doesn’t grow like that.

The greed and stupidity of some us human has got limit, supposed he’d died before somebody snitched of that ass, what benefit would he have gotten by buryin’ the loot like that. That’s some heartless shit right there, nigga stole public money for himself and didn’t even think of investin’ it in a business to help the people.

DIG IT

Can I tell you guys a story? Nah, make that two lil stories.

Oh, I can?

Thanks!

Story One

Sometime ago, Somewhere…

Once Upon a Worker

Some rich old dude was travellin’ out of the country on a busness trip and he was goin’ to be gone for a minute. So he called his workers together (ten of them) and told their asses about his impendin’ trip and how long he would be gone for. He told them they would not be recievin’ any salaries durin’ his absence. The mood in the room darkened immediately at the mention of them not gettin’ salaries while the big man was gone. There was a lot of murmuring among the workers.

The rich man gently told them be quiet and said they need not worry cause he got them all covered. He said, “I got somethin’ else planned for you guys. I would not want like any worker of mine to be broke while am away” The workers were hella happy!

The day came, with his bags packed and shit, he called them workers together again and hooked each one of their asses up with some’ good of cash. He told them to go do business with it while he was gone. Ain’t that some rich nigga and very considerate bowse (as that fat ass Rick Ross would pronounce boss) Lol!

Anyways, the bowse went away for a year and came back refreshed. He sent word out to his men to come round so that they could kick it and get him updated on what they’ve been up to while he was overseas. The workers came through, they were happy to have the good man back; the atmosphere that day was carnival-like.

Puffin’ on Cuban cigar, the rich nigga told them bout his trip and how happy he was to acquire new and profitable businesses. Hennessey, moet and things were popped and they all drank a toast to his successful return. With all the toastin’, back-pattin’ and soft-soapin’ b.s done, he asked each worker what they did wit the moolah he hooked them up wit.

They first guy said he did good business and doubled the bread, the bowse was so pleased, he told the nigga to keep the loot and even gave him some more to top that shit up. The second nigga got the same reward from the bowse for doublin’ the chips he was given.

Then a bitch nigga came along, sayin’, “Boss, here is your moolah, it’s all there jus as you gave it to me. I wrapped it up nicely, dug the ground and kept it for you. See, I know you’re a very hard nigga to deal wit, you like to reap where you didn’t sow”

What! The rich nigga was pissed, if it was you, wouldn’t you be? I know I would be.

The boss was fumed, “what! You knew I was a hard nigga to deal wit. You knew I reap where I did not sow, right? so, why didn’t you put the cash in the bank, that way I woulda had interest on that shit. why nigga, why?”

The bowse turned to the first worker and told take the money from the stupid punkass and add it to his loot.

Story Two

Once Upon Rich Nigga

As darkness fell on the city one fateful evenin’, some policemen swooped down on a beautiful house somewhere in the metro. See, the five oh’s were workin’ on a tip, so the inhabitants of that crib had no clue what was about hit them, matter of fact, the man of the house, the HNIC (the head nigga in charge) was out on the town gettin’ his drink on wit some of his political cronies.

Like I said, the po-po’s were workin’ on a tip, so they went prepared with whatever was necessary; search warrant, shovels, diggers and stuff. Damn, those nigga weren’t playin, they meant business. With the location secured, they went to work.

What are you thinkin’ right now, huh?

You’re pro’ly thinkin’, “what the fuck were five-oh’s doin’ wit giggin’ equipment on somebody’s property at that time of the evenin’, right?”

Today
30 November

The first story was adapted from the Bible; Mark 19 verses 12-27! Ah ha, I got your asses wit that one didn’t I? Anyways, the second story happened last week Thursday, November 24 in the southern African country of Zambia! And where’s the connection between the two stories? The answer is in the words “DIG and MONEY”

So, guess what they dug up in that house?

K 2.1 Billion that was what the police exhumed! They fuckin’ dug up 2.1 billion kwacha from the ground.

Do the math and you’d come up wit about $520, 000 in greenback equivalent!

Has money started growin from the ground? Hell no, somebody put it there.

Is the culprit a mob boss, you asked?

Nah, the punkass is formal minister of labor in the regime that was voted out of government about two months ago!

Nigga dug the ground; wrap the loot up nicely like that punk ass from story 1 and buried K2.1 Billion jus like that! What was that mutherfucker thinkin’. Last time I checked, money doesn’t grow like that.

The greed and stupidity of some us human has got limit, supposed he’d died before somebody snitched of that ass, what benefit would he have gotten by buryin’ the loot like that. That’s some heartless shit right there, nigga stole public money for himself and didn’t even think of investin’ it in a business to help the people.

LADY'S NIGHT

Today

People say things like “men have such dirty minds.”
According to some online reports men think about sex every seven seconds, but honestly I don’t even believe that!!

But let me tell u about WOMEN!

Friday, 25th November

Friday night I had been invited to an Ann Summers party in my friend’s house, let’s just call her the host! I was humming and hawing about whether to go or not, but thankfully in the end I did because it was some experience.

Now I know I have a dirty mind and I like a bit of kinkiness in the bedroom and I’m not ashamed of it, but I know some women don’t like to talk about all that, they prefer to keep it private, but I was soon to learn there was way more like me than I realized.

Women in the company of just women are filthy minded, I had one of the best nights ever, so for ye that don’t know, Ann Summers is a sex shop and they have reps that come out and do parties in your home.

I got there at about 7.50 pm and the girl doing the party Diane (the rep) was just setting up! She came armed with a rail, a very big pink suitcase and a folder, once she set up and we waited for the rest of the girls to arrive and once they did, it began. I was so curious as to the night’s events at this stage.

SEX GAMES

Names Porn Stars Would Envy

First, we were all given catalogues full of all the delightful stuffs u can buy, and given our pseudo names for the night, I was Threesome Teresa, the hostess with the mostess was Bumfluff Brenda, her sister whose birthday it was, was Ivan Ictchycock, Suck and Swallow Sarah and many more I can’t recall. We could only be called by those names and not our real names, if u were caught using real names you got a ditty dot and after three ditty dots you got on the floor on all fours and got your ass whipped.

Sex Bingo

So we got started with a game of Sex Bingo, you pick four numbers between 1 and 20, then for each number match it up with a sound or something u would say during sex, she would then call the numbers and u had to shout out the corresponding noise. Hilarious stuff and guess what guys, I WON, I got a box of condoms for my prize!!!!!!!!

And while all that was going on we had some girls on the floor to be whipped for getting caught using real names(I can tell you something no way was I getting caught for a whopping I was keeping my mouth shut except for partaking in the games of course).

Keeping Scores

Keep in mind now we were all drinking, so it was getting rowdier as the night went on, Next game was scoring your sexual adventures, pen and paper at the ready she would call out things like +50 points if you have ever given a blowjob while your partner was driving, -50 if you haven’t, +20 if u had sex in the bath or shower, +10 points each for each sexual partner u have had etc, etc.

So there I was well chuffed with myself 340 points, girl next to me had 300, I was thinking to myself I could win this fucking thing, next from across the room someone shouts out 1160(fucking tramp lmao)

SEX TOYS

There was another one or two games but I’m gonna jump ahead to the products part of the Evening!

Edible Underwear and ‘Em

We were all given catalogues, order form and pens, so she started off with an array of very saucy outfits and lingerie; an all in one black lace crotch less jumpsuit, candy stripper corset and pink matching tutu lots of very skimpy outfits. Then we moved onto Edible underwear, next and the most interesting was toys.

Clitoris Gel

She was telling us about this Clitoris Stimulation gel, after she talked about the product she asked would anyone like to try some…and do u know what happened next a few girls actually did, off into the bathroom they went to rub a lil gel on their clit, I was shocked I tell u, now I probably would use something like that but I couldn’t believe they did that in front of everyone. I know you all want to know does it work, some said yes and others said it had no effect.

Vibrators

Next a variety of vibrators, the best seller being the Rampant Rabbit, which I have but now days it comes in many different varieties, Aqua Rabbit, Threeway Rabbit, The Big One, The Remote Control One, Banana Split Vibrator, Horn on the Cob Vibrator (yes guys they look just how they sound) and last but by no means least The Thruster

The thruster is the only Vibrator on the market that actually thrusts (there was a few of them sold I kid you not).Bullets, pockets sized vibrators for you on the go!

Cock Rings and ‘Em

What next cock rings, nipple clamps, anal toys (eeewwww, not an ass fan), now most of the ass toys look like a string of beads(visual effect), rock of raspberry ass berry, backwards bum beads, booty beads and so on. Ann Summers also has toys for beginners as well as Advanced and Adventurous users!!!

Role Playing and Get-ups

Feel like dressing up for your man? They got you…the ultimate fantasy, Police woman, French Maid, Sailor, Nurse, School Girl (some women go to a lot of effort I’m telling you guys).

Today

So that was my Ann Summers experience, would I do it again, you can be sure I would, think I might even have one in my house, oh ya and I almost forgot to tell you guys what I bought…Ya fucking right, like I’m gonna tell ye!


Sent in by Aimee

LADY'S NIGHT

Today

People say things like “men have such dirty minds.”
According to some online reports men think about sex every seven seconds, but honestly I don’t even believe that!!

But let me tell u about WOMEN!

Friday, 25th November

Friday night I had been invited to an Ann Summers party in my friend’s house, let’s just call her the host! I was humming and hawing about whether to go or not, but thankfully in the end I did because it was some experience.

Now I know I have a dirty mind and I like a bit of kinkiness in the bedroom and I’m not ashamed of it, but I know some women don’t like to talk about all that, they prefer to keep it private, but I was soon to learn there was way more like me than I realized.

Women in the company of just women are filthy minded, I had one of the best nights ever, so for ye that don’t know, Ann Summers is a sex shop and they have reps that come out and do parties in your home.

I got there at about 7.50 pm and the girl doing the party Diane (the rep) was just setting up! She came armed with a rail, a very big pink suitcase and a folder, once she set up and we waited for the rest of the girls to arrive and once they did, it began. I was so curious as to the night’s events at this stage.

SEX GAMES

Names Porn Stars Would Envy

First, we were all given catalogues full of all the delightful stuffs u can buy, and given our pseudo names for the night, I was Threesome Teresa, the hostess with the mostess was Bumfluff Brenda, her sister whose birthday it was, was Ivan Ictchycock, Suck and Swallow Sarah and many more I can’t recall. We could only be called by those names and not our real names, if u were caught using real names you got a ditty dot and after three ditty dots you got on the floor on all fours and got your ass whipped.

Sex Bingo

So we got started with a game of Sex Bingo, you pick four numbers between 1 and 20, then for each number match it up with a sound or something u would say during sex, she would then call the numbers and u had to shout out the corresponding noise. Hilarious stuff and guess what guys, I WON, I got a box of condoms for my prize!!!!!!!!

And while all that was going on we had some girls on the floor to be whipped for getting caught using real names(I can tell you something no way was I getting caught for a whopping I was keeping my mouth shut except for partaking in the games of course).

Keeping Scores

Keep in mind now we were all drinking, so it was getting rowdier as the night went on, Next game was scoring your sexual adventures, pen and paper at the ready she would call out things like +50 points if you have ever given a blowjob while your partner was driving, -50 if you haven’t, +20 if u had sex in the bath or shower, +10 points each for each sexual partner u have had etc, etc.

So there I was well chuffed with myself 340 points, girl next to me had 300, I was thinking to myself I could win this fucking thing, next from across the room someone shouts out 1160(fucking tramp lmao)

SEX TOYS

There was another one or two games but I’m gonna jump ahead to the products part of the Evening!

Edible Underwear and ‘Em

We were all given catalogues, order form and pens, so she started off with an array of very saucy outfits and lingerie; an all in one black lace crotch less jumpsuit, candy stripper corset and pink matching tutu lots of very skimpy outfits. Then we moved onto Edible underwear, next and the most interesting was toys.

Clitoris Gel

She was telling us about this Clitoris Stimulation gel, after she talked about the product she asked would anyone like to try some…and do u know what happened next a few girls actually did, off into the bathroom they went to rub a lil gel on their clit, I was shocked I tell u, now I probably would use something like that but I couldn’t believe they did that in front of everyone. I know you all want to know does it work, some said yes and others said it had no effect.

Vibrators

Next a variety of vibrators, the best seller being the Rampant Rabbit, which I have but now days it comes in many different varieties, Aqua Rabbit, Threeway Rabbit, The Big One, The Remote Control One, Banana Split Vibrator, Horn on the Cob Vibrator (yes guys they look just how they sound) and last but by no means least The Thruster

The thruster is the only Vibrator on the market that actually thrusts (there was a few of them sold I kid you not).Bullets, pockets sized vibrators for you on the go!

Cock Rings and ‘Em

What next cock rings, nipple clamps, anal toys (eeewwww, not an ass fan), now most of the ass toys look like a string of beads(visual effect), rock of raspberry ass berry, backwards bum beads, booty beads and so on. Ann Summers also has toys for beginners as well as Advanced and Adventurous users!!!

Role Playing and Get-ups

Feel like dressing up for your man? They got you…the ultimate fantasy, Police woman, French Maid, Sailor, Nurse, School Girl (some women go to a lot of effort I’m telling you guys).

Today

So that was my Ann Summers experience, would I do it again, you can be sure I would, think I might even have one in my house, oh ya and I almost forgot to tell you guys what I bought…Ya fucking right, like I’m gonna tell ye!


Sent in by Aimee

THE LIL' MAN DOWN THE AISLE

Tuesday
November 29

Memory of a Song

From the moment I decided I was goin’ to bang out this piece, one song wouldn’t stop playin’ in my head, it’s a song I haven’t heard in a long time. The song used to be one of the mood-alterin’ jams we (me and boy Ameh were roommates but more than that, we were fam) would slide on whenever we brought chicks to the flat back when we were in the university. The song made most girls mushy when they got up in the room!

The Room, hmm *smilin’ to myself* Day or night it doesn’t matter in our room, it was always dark (the heavy curtain/blanket were never drawn) and cozy in there, even a nun would be so relaxed, she would damn the consequences and gladly give some of that goodies up! Ask my boy Victor A.K.A Viccolo, the great pussy super hero (he was a flatmate), and he’ll testify to the hypnotic power that room had on ladies (if you don’t know who the legendary Viccolo is, read the blog titled ALBINIOD up in here).

But of course, apart from the disarmin’ power the room possessed, you gotta have game and I had game! Yeah, I know, there I go tooting my own horn again, ah ha! See, I knew what to do and when to do what to do when it’s seduction O’clock, that nigga Robert Green ain’t got shit on me. It was like an unwritten rule for us (Ameh, Victor and me) that the moment a girl entered the room, the only source of light allowed to be on was the lamp shade on the table and the red and green glows from the CD player, nothin’ else was needed except the music.

What! I fuckin’ got carried away there for a moment, pardon a brotha, willya?  Anyways back to the song I was talkin’ about earlier, it was done by an Irish fam (Andrea, Caroline, Sharon and Jim Corrs) otherwise known as The Corrs.

“Somebody for someone”

‘Cause if there’s somebody for someone
Yeah, look at me, somebody for someone

If you don’t know the song, YouTube that shit!

Memory a Beauty Contest

Am not against beauty contests, am jus not a fan, ok? I don’t even watch that shit! Why? Because there’s no way in hell you’re goin’ to pick one scrawny bitchass broad and tell me that’s the most beautiful girl in this whole world. No sir, I disagree!

Ok, I lied! So I’ve watched one or two before, sue me! Lol. But on a serious note, the two beauty shows I’ve seen so far, I swear I was coerced. The first one was when a certain skinny ass Agbani Darego won Miss World for Nigeria and the second time was back when I was in my final year in school and my ex girlfriend dragged me along.

I can’t remember Miss what it was but it was Miss something. When it got to question time and the contestants were called up one after the other like they do at all these beauty contests, somethin’ interestin’ happened. One of the beauty queens was asked what she understood by the phrase “Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder” and what? The empty headed queen couldn’t come up wit shit, shawtie jus stood there like one of Madam Tousseau’s statures!

Aki and Paw Paw

These niggas are two of the most well loved African superstars. They get groupie love everywhere; the kids love ‘em, the ladies love ‘em (I don’t know if that love is sexual or not) and the guys envy them. But hol’ up, the kinda envy cats feel for these nigga is definitely not the kinda they would feel toward mutherfuckers like Boris Kodjoe, Trey Songz and ‘em. Why? Cause these two fellas are midgets!

Did I jus say midgets? Yep, I did but I said that wit no bad intentions, I swear. Anyways, they are midget but they are of the rich and famous kind and I wouldn’t mind workin’ for these niggas!

See, when these niggas were startin’ out in the Nigerian movie industry, folks would usually ask, “Who would marry these guys?”

Yesterday
November 28

I was facebook-surfin’ when I came across this, “last weekend seemed to be a weekend of celebration for a number of people particularly for a star actor, Chinedu Ikedieze a.k.a Aki & Nneoma who on Saturday, the 26th had friends and family together for their elaborate traditional wedding”

I did what most of y’all would do, I checked out all the photos.

Am sure you guys already know what I was really checkin’ for, right? You don’t?

Ah ha, liars! I was fuckin’ checkin’ out the wife!

Ok, do you guys know what was goin’ through my mind while I was checkin’ out the wife?

I’ll leave that to your dirty imaginations.

Today

Two things came to my mind as I finished readin’ the story yesterday, the first was that classic The Corr’s song “Somebody for someone” and the second was that phrase that empty headed pussy at the beauty contest couldn’t answer that historic night many moons ago, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”

THE LIL' MAN DOWN THE AISLE

Tuesday
November 29

Memory of a Song

From the moment I decided I was goin’ to bang out this piece, one song wouldn’t stop playin’ in my head, it’s a song I haven’t heard in a long time. The song used to be one of the mood-alterin’ jams we (me and boy Ameh were roommates but more than that, we were fam) would slide on whenever we brought chicks to the flat back when we were in the university. The song made most girls mushy when they got up in the room!

The Room, hmm *smilin’ to myself* Day or night it doesn’t matter in our room, it was always dark (the heavy curtain/blanket were never drawn) and cozy in there, even a nun would be so relaxed, she would damn the consequences and gladly give some of that goodies up! Ask my boy Victor A.K.A Viccolo, the great pussy super hero (he was a flatmate), and he’ll testify to the hypnotic power that room had on ladies (if you don’t know who the legendary Viccolo is, read the blog titled ALBINIOD up in here).

But of course, apart from the disarmin’ power the room possessed, you gotta have game and I had game! Yeah, I know, there I go tooting my own horn again, ah ha! See, I knew what to do and when to do what to do when it’s seduction O’clock, that nigga Robert Green ain’t got shit on me. It was like an unwritten rule for us (Ameh, Victor and me) that the moment a girl entered the room, the only source of light allowed to be on was the lamp shade on the table and the red and green glows from the CD player, nothin’ else was needed except the music.

What! I fuckin’ got carried away there for a moment, pardon a brotha, willya?  Anyways back to the song I was talkin’ about earlier, it was done by an Irish fam (Andrea, Caroline, Sharon and Jim Corrs) otherwise known as The Corrs.

“Somebody for someone”

‘Cause if there’s somebody for someone
Yeah, look at me, somebody for someone

If you don’t know the song, YouTube that shit!

Memory a Beauty Contest

Am not against beauty contests, am jus not a fan, ok? I don’t even watch that shit! Why? Because there’s no way in hell you’re goin’ to pick one scrawny bitchass broad and tell me that’s the most beautiful girl in this whole world. No sir, I disagree!

Ok, I lied! So I’ve watched one or two before, sue me! Lol. But on a serious note, the two beauty shows I’ve seen so far, I swear I was coerced. The first one was when a certain skinny ass Agbani Darego won Miss World for Nigeria and the second time was back when I was in my final year in school and my ex girlfriend dragged me along.

I can’t remember Miss what it was but it was Miss something. When it got to question time and the contestants were called up one after the other like they do at all these beauty contests, somethin’ interestin’ happened. One of the beauty queens was asked what she understood by the phrase “Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder” and what? The empty headed queen couldn’t come up wit shit, shawtie jus stood there like one of Madam Tousseau’s statures!

Aki and Paw Paw

These niggas are two of the most well loved African superstars. They get groupie love everywhere; the kids love ‘em, the ladies love ‘em (I don’t know if that love is sexual or not) and the guys envy them. But hol’ up, the kinda envy cats feel for these nigga is definitely not the kinda they would feel toward mutherfuckers like Boris Kodjoe, Trey Songz and ‘em. Why? Cause these two fellas are midgets!

Did I jus say midgets? Yep, I did but I said that wit no bad intentions, I swear. Anyways, they are midget but they are of the rich and famous kind and I wouldn’t mind workin’ for these niggas!

See, when these niggas were startin’ out in the Nigerian movie industry, folks would usually ask, “Who would marry these guys?”

Yesterday
November 28

I was facebook-surfin’ when I came across this, “last weekend seemed to be a weekend of celebration for a number of people particularly for a star actor, Chinedu Ikedieze a.k.a Aki & Nneoma who on Saturday, the 26th had friends and family together for their elaborate traditional wedding”

I did what most of y’all would do, I checked out all the photos.

Am sure you guys already know what I was really checkin’ for, right? You don’t?

Ah ha, liars! I was fuckin’ checkin’ out the wife!

Ok, do you guys know what was goin’ through my mind while I was checkin’ out the wife?

I’ll leave that to your dirty imaginations.

Today

Two things came to my mind as I finished readin’ the story yesterday, the first was that classic The Corr’s song “Somebody for someone” and the second was that phrase that empty headed pussy at the beauty contest couldn’t answer that historic night many moons ago, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”

LADY LAW

Friday, 25 November

12:45

I put my folded arms on the bench in front of me, doubled over and rested my head on them but that in no way lessen the royal rumble goin’ down in my stomach.

From the corner of my eye (without liftin’ my head), I looked at the guy sittin to my right tryna make sure he didn’t hear the depressin’ noise (it seemed so loud) comin’ from my intestines; the unmistakable music of hunger was gettin’ the best of me. Gettin’ a hundred per cent concentration together had become a herculean task and the event we went for didn’t look like it was gon be wrapped up any time soon. I didn’t know that shit would drag on for that long!

 Earlier

 09:45

My thought as we pulled into the parkin’ lot was, “damn, we’re so fuckin’ late for this shit and it wasn’t like we weren’t told before hand to get our asses there on or before nine.”  But wait a sec; did I jus say we pulled into the parkin’ lot? Scratch that, there was no parkin’ lot; it was jus an unmarked open space with puddle of mud here and there.

People were already seated when we stepped in the buildin’ but good enough, the judge hadn’t arrived and that only meant one thing, the court wasn’t in session yet. We found a seat in the back as the clerks rounded up their paper works.

Are you guys thinkin’ what I suspect you’re thinkin’? With words like court, session, clerk and judge appearin’ in the same paragraph, there is no price for guessin that we (me and my boy Barry) were at the court house and guess what? It was the final day of our court case!

 Ah ha, the long arm of the law finally caught up wit his punk ass?

I’ve always known there was somethin’ criminal bout him?

Are those some of your thoughts? I know somethin’ like that crossed some of your minds, right? Well, am sorry to disappoint your lovely asses (and I say that in my sweetest of tone), the case wasn’t anythin’ criminal, I was civil! A gentleman like me will never soil his name by breakin’ bread wit criminals. Lmao!

The court case wasn’t ours per se but we had a huge business interest ridin’ on the outcome of that shit. Oh, you wanna know what the B.I is? Nah, I aint tellin’!

10:00

Three loud taps on the door behind the slightly elevated platform and the boomin’ voice of the male clerk told us (bout seventy five folks, yep I counted, I am detail like that) to get our butts up for the judge was comin’ through.

I quickly put my phone away, those three taps got me shook, they sounded  more like the angry knocks of a landlord on the door of a defaultin’ tenant early in the mornin’ jus before the tenant tried to sneak out to work!

11: 15

After the judge put that ass down and the male court clerk told us we could do the same, I sat myself down and promptly went back to my phone and y’all already know what I was gettin’ up to on that gadget, right? Facebookin’? tweetin’? None of the above, ah ha, you guys think you got my ass figured out, huh? I was freakin’ takin’ notes for this blog! Ok, I admit I did a lil FB’ing.

All the time I was takin’ notes of what folks were up to and FB’ing, some old codger sittin’ to my right kept tryna sneak a look into my phone as if he knew what I was doin? Barry (sittin’ on my left) joked about the judge puttin’ me on lockdown if I was caught romancin’ my phone in the courtroom (there was a bold notice on the wall that phones should be switched off).

And yep, the judge and her sidekick were chicks! The judge elegantly dressed her ass in a black suit and skirt, a red swelter on the inside, a stylish eye wear and a Tina Turner-like fake hair to match (black). She was tough and compassionate at the same time (judgin’ from the four cases she dealt with before the one we came for), I liked her. What! Did I fantasize about bonin’ that ass while the session dragged on? Nah, I didn’t, I was too hungry to start growin’ a dick over some fifty sum year old judge.

Case 1

The second clerk, a bored lookin’ pregnant woman read out an apology letter written by a driver to the court. In the letter, the dude said he couldn’t make an appearance cause he was attendin’ a relative’s funeral. The letter was so well written; I almost stood up to get my standin’ ovation on. Yeah that was how professional the letter sounded. Now, am not tryin’ to stereotype or anythin’ like that but that nigga couldn’t have penned that shit himself, I mean the letter had all the right legal registers in it. No way could your average driver write that, no way jose!

Case 2

A dude bagged 14 days in the slammer for contempt of court, nigga knocked some chick up and was dragged to court bout a year ago for shirking his responsibility. The court ordered the bitch ass to break the lady off some cash, nigga only paid less than ten percent and nothin’ else. He was summoned to court many times after the chick reported his ass to the law but the guy never showed up. Lady Law handed that ass a two weeks all expense paid trip to the prison!

Case 3 and 4

A divorce was granted to some guy after the now ex wife was summoned to the court severally and she was a no-show. Tops, the two of ‘em would be in their late twenties, kinda makes you wonder why some folks rush into gettin’ hitched.

The case of some pant saggin’ teenager who put somethin’ in the oven of some chick got postponed cause his mama was sufferin’ from high blood pressure and couldn’t be there as a witness. As he passed by me on his way back to his seat, I wanted to scream at the lil punk ass, “What were you thinkin’?” I wanted to reach out and smack his head Jet Li-style.

12:45

By the time “our” case started my stomach was already alive with a specially composed symphony by hunger, my intestines made so much noise I could hardly hear shit anymore, my head was bangin’ like a nympho on steroid but yessir, held it together.

14:10

The judge made her pronouncement, our people won; it was time for me and Barry to jet. And though the victory was a good thing for us (it enhanced an investment we made with the winners earlier in the year), the only thing on my mind was…yep, you guessed it, food!

LADY LAW

Friday, 25 November

12:45

I put my folded arms on the bench in front of me, doubled over and rested my head on them but that in no way lessen the royal rumble goin’ down in my stomach.

From the corner of my eye (without liftin’ my head), I looked at the guy sittin to my right tryna make sure he didn’t hear the depressin’ noise (it seemed so loud) comin’ from my intestines; the unmistakable music of hunger was gettin’ the best of me. Gettin’ a hundred per cent concentration together had become a herculean task and the event we went for didn’t look like it was gon be wrapped up any time soon. I didn’t know that shit would drag on for that long!

 Earlier

 09:45

My thought as we pulled into the parkin’ lot was, “damn, we’re so fuckin’ late for this shit and it wasn’t like we weren’t told before hand to get our asses there on or before nine.”  But wait a sec; did I jus say we pulled into the parkin’ lot? Scratch that, there was no parkin’ lot; it was jus an unmarked open space with puddle of mud here and there.

People were already seated when we stepped in the buildin’ but good enough, the judge hadn’t arrived and that only meant one thing, the court wasn’t in session yet. We found a seat in the back as the clerks rounded up their paper works.

Are you guys thinkin’ what I suspect you’re thinkin’? With words like court, session, clerk and judge appearin’ in the same paragraph, there is no price for guessin that we (me and my boy Barry) were at the court house and guess what? It was the final day of our court case!

 Ah ha, the long arm of the law finally caught up wit his punk ass?

I’ve always known there was somethin’ criminal bout him?

Are those some of your thoughts? I know somethin’ like that crossed some of your minds, right? Well, am sorry to disappoint your lovely asses (and I say that in my sweetest of tone), the case wasn’t anythin’ criminal, I was civil! A gentleman like me will never soil his name by breakin’ bread wit criminals. Lmao!

The court case wasn’t ours per se but we had a huge business interest ridin’ on the outcome of that shit. Oh, you wanna know what the B.I is? Nah, I aint tellin’!

10:00

Three loud taps on the door behind the slightly elevated platform and the boomin’ voice of the male clerk told us (bout seventy five folks, yep I counted, I am detail like that) to get our butts up for the judge was comin’ through.

I quickly put my phone away, those three taps got me shook, they sounded  more like the angry knocks of a landlord on the door of a defaultin’ tenant early in the mornin’ jus before the tenant tried to sneak out to work!

11: 15

After the judge put that ass down and the male court clerk told us we could do the same, I sat myself down and promptly went back to my phone and y’all already know what I was gettin’ up to on that gadget, right? Facebookin’? tweetin’? None of the above, ah ha, you guys think you got my ass figured out, huh? I was freakin’ takin’ notes for this blog! Ok, I admit I did a lil FB’ing.

All the time I was takin’ notes of what folks were up to and FB’ing, some old codger sittin’ to my right kept tryna sneak a look into my phone as if he knew what I was doin? Barry (sittin’ on my left) joked about the judge puttin’ me on lockdown if I was caught romancin’ my phone in the courtroom (there was a bold notice on the wall that phones should be switched off).

And yep, the judge and her sidekick were chicks! The judge elegantly dressed her ass in a black suit and skirt, a red swelter on the inside, a stylish eye wear and a Tina Turner-like fake hair to match (black). She was tough and compassionate at the same time (judgin’ from the four cases she dealt with before the one we came for), I liked her. What! Did I fantasize about bonin’ that ass while the session dragged on? Nah, I didn’t, I was too hungry to start growin’ a dick over some fifty sum year old judge.

Case 1

The second clerk, a bored lookin’ pregnant woman read out an apology letter written by a driver to the court. In the letter, the dude said he couldn’t make an appearance cause he was attendin’ a relative’s funeral. The letter was so well written; I almost stood up to get my standin’ ovation on. Yeah that was how professional the letter sounded. Now, am not tryin’ to stereotype or anythin’ like that but that nigga couldn’t have penned that shit himself, I mean the letter had all the right legal registers in it. No way could your average driver write that, no way jose!

Case 2

A dude bagged 14 days in the slammer for contempt of court, nigga knocked some chick up and was dragged to court bout a year ago for shirking his responsibility. The court ordered the bitch ass to break the lady off some cash, nigga only paid less than ten percent and nothin’ else. He was summoned to court many times after the chick reported his ass to the law but the guy never showed up. Lady Law handed that ass a two weeks all expense paid trip to the prison!

Case 3 and 4

A divorce was granted to some guy after the now ex wife was summoned to the court severally and she was a no-show. Tops, the two of ‘em would be in their late twenties, kinda makes you wonder why some folks rush into gettin’ hitched.

The case of some pant saggin’ teenager who put somethin’ in the oven of some chick got postponed cause his mama was sufferin’ from high blood pressure and couldn’t be there as a witness. As he passed by me on his way back to his seat, I wanted to scream at the lil punk ass, “What were you thinkin’?” I wanted to reach out and smack his head Jet Li-style.

12:45

By the time “our” case started my stomach was already alive with a specially composed symphony by hunger, my intestines made so much noise I could hardly hear shit anymore, my head was bangin’ like a nympho on steroid but yessir, held it together.

14:10

The judge made her pronouncement, our people won; it was time for me and Barry to jet. And though the victory was a good thing for us (it enhanced an investment we made with the winners earlier in the year), the only thing on my mind was…yep, you guessed it, food!

ROMANCIN' THE FIVE 0

Ok so I always say “I’m cursed with bad luck” as a lot of Irish people do, we say things like “Luck of the Irish my ass” and one time I said that to my friend (that’s you Dobsy) he told me I’m too dramatic!!!! 

Well I decided to sell my Samsung Netbook as I wasn’t using it much since I got my PC fixed, so I advertised it in the local Newspaper and on an online site call Donedeal! So it had been up for about two weeks and I only got one call from an elderly man, who lost interest when I told him it was pink!

So a few days later I got a call from a guy interested in buying it, he said my little sister had the same one and he accidently spilt a cup of tea (cause all us Irish drink nothing but tea, and obviously Alcohol) his sister was devastated and he needed to replace it and he saw my add in the paper. I advertised it for €280 and he asked me if I would let it go for €250 cause that was all he had.

I felt sorry for the guy and he seemed so nice, chatty and basically genuine! I saved his number, we arranged to meet to give him the netbook and so on, we talked for a bit he told me he won some money on the horses over the weekend!!! So off he went and off I went happy as Larry the two of us, mind you I was soon to find out that he was a whole lot happier than me.

I went and did some shopping bought a few things for me and my girls, and I lodged the remainder of the money in my account, I then went to Aldi, a local supermarket to do some groceries, when I just paid at the till I received a phone call from Mary the manager of the Credit Union where my account was, the money two €50 notes I had Lodged were counterfeit!

I was mortified, I immediately went back and spoke to the manager and explained what had happened, in all fairness to her she did not ring the police and gave me back the money, she did however urge me to go and make a statement and let them know what had happened, I was kind of apprehensive because I had some money myself and I did know what I had spent and where, I was so embarrassed that I would be asked to go and backtrack to the shops I had bought stuff in, but after much consideration I went to my local Gardai Station, made my statement and that was that.

A few days later a detective from the the Garda Station in the city called me, he would be handling the case as it happened in the city, I spoke to him and heard no more, so I presumed that they would basically do sweet fuck all about it as that is what happened in the past dealings I have had with the police!

So weeks n weeks went by and I heard nothing, I kept saying to myself “I knew it, they wouldn’t do anything” but low and behold was I wrong.

Late on Tuesday night as I was making dinner for my kids there was a knock on the door, which is unusual cause no one really calls around to our house uninvited. When I opened the door there was a man and woman, the Man flashed his police badge and said I’m Detective O’Donoghue from Anglesea Street Station in Cork, I said to myself “Fuck what did I do now”

I invited them in, they followed me through to the Kitchen, he said “ We got your laptop back we caught the guy that u sold it to, We managed to track him down using the CCTV footage from the bus station where u met him” I was so delighted! I felt wow this guy is amazing he is a good and honest police officer( which are definitely hard to come by in Ireland, believe me)

We talked for a while I had to sign some papers stating that I identified the netbook as the one he had stolen from me (and feeling oh so important lol), they told how he admitted it straight away and was very apologetic, how he had sold the netbook to someone else so he was made to go and retrieve it with the police, He will now go to court and face a few charges, Counterfeit money, theft and so on.

My faith in the An Garda Siochana (we don’t say police, we say the guards really) has been restored.
And it’s safe to say this time I definitely got lucky!

ROMANCIN' THE FIVE 0

Ok so I always say “I’m cursed with bad luck” as a lot of Irish people do, we say things like “Luck of the Irish my ass” and one time I said that to my friend (that’s you Dobsy) he told me I’m too dramatic!!!! 

Well I decided to sell my Samsung Netbook as I wasn’t using it much since I got my PC fixed, so I advertised it in the local Newspaper and on an online site call Donedeal! So it had been up for about two weeks and I only got one call from an elderly man, who lost interest when I told him it was pink!

So a few days later I got a call from a guy interested in buying it, he said my little sister had the same one and he accidently spilt a cup of tea (cause all us Irish drink nothing but tea, and obviously Alcohol) his sister was devastated and he needed to replace it and he saw my add in the paper. I advertised it for €280 and he asked me if I would let it go for €250 cause that was all he had.

I felt sorry for the guy and he seemed so nice, chatty and basically genuine! I saved his number, we arranged to meet to give him the netbook and so on, we talked for a bit he told me he won some money on the horses over the weekend!!! So off he went and off I went happy as Larry the two of us, mind you I was soon to find out that he was a whole lot happier than me.

I went and did some shopping bought a few things for me and my girls, and I lodged the remainder of the money in my account, I then went to Aldi, a local supermarket to do some groceries, when I just paid at the till I received a phone call from Mary the manager of the Credit Union where my account was, the money two €50 notes I had Lodged were counterfeit!

I was mortified, I immediately went back and spoke to the manager and explained what had happened, in all fairness to her she did not ring the police and gave me back the money, she did however urge me to go and make a statement and let them know what had happened, I was kind of apprehensive because I had some money myself and I did know what I had spent and where, I was so embarrassed that I would be asked to go and backtrack to the shops I had bought stuff in, but after much consideration I went to my local Gardai Station, made my statement and that was that.

A few days later a detective from the the Garda Station in the city called me, he would be handling the case as it happened in the city, I spoke to him and heard no more, so I presumed that they would basically do sweet fuck all about it as that is what happened in the past dealings I have had with the police!

So weeks n weeks went by and I heard nothing, I kept saying to myself “I knew it, they wouldn’t do anything” but low and behold was I wrong.

Late on Tuesday night as I was making dinner for my kids there was a knock on the door, which is unusual cause no one really calls around to our house uninvited. When I opened the door there was a man and woman, the Man flashed his police badge and said I’m Detective O’Donoghue from Anglesea Street Station in Cork, I said to myself “Fuck what did I do now”

I invited them in, they followed me through to the Kitchen, he said “ We got your laptop back we caught the guy that u sold it to, We managed to track him down using the CCTV footage from the bus station where u met him” I was so delighted! I felt wow this guy is amazing he is a good and honest police officer( which are definitely hard to come by in Ireland, believe me)

We talked for a while I had to sign some papers stating that I identified the netbook as the one he had stolen from me (and feeling oh so important lol), they told how he admitted it straight away and was very apologetic, how he had sold the netbook to someone else so he was made to go and retrieve it with the police, He will now go to court and face a few charges, Counterfeit money, theft and so on.

My faith in the An Garda Siochana (we don’t say police, we say the guards really) has been restored.
And it’s safe to say this time I definitely got lucky!

THE GOD QUESTION

“It hilarious how atheists are so preoccupied tryin’ to prove the non existence of a God they don’t believe in?”

Who said those words, do you know?

Huh, did you jus say Socrates? Einstein? Abe Lincoln?

Please, let me save you all the stress cause you ain’t never gonna get it.

“Why?” you asked

That’s cause y’all never thought a nigga like me could kick a dope ass quote like Abe Lincoln, Aristotle, Chuck D and ‘em! Those are my words are mine; you can go ahead and quote your boy now. Ah ha!

Chuck D

Do you know who he was? Am sure you do but what am not sure about of is, are we talkin’ about the same person?

I know a lot of you readin’ shit are pro’ly thinkin’ about Carlton Douglas A.K.A Chuck D from that socially and politically conscious 80s rap group, Public Enemy. If you’re too young to know them, get your Google on! But yo, I ain’t talkin’ bout the lyrical Chuck D, am talkin’ about the scientific Chuck D…that nigga Charles Darwin! Lookin’ at his picture, Rick Ross’s beard can’t even hold a light to Darwin’s beard! Lol

If you’ve ever been in the four walls of a secondary school before, then your biology teacher must have holla’d the name of Charles Darwin in your ear once or twice durin’ one of those miserable hours you spent in class pretendin’ like you were listenin. By the way, if your name is Charles, you can also be called Chuck, jus in case you didn’t know. Thought I’d throw that in there to make myself look like am au fait (knowledgeable). Lmao!

Anyways, that nigga Darwin was the first to come up wit a persuasive scientific argument for the theory of evolution by means of natural selection. This is not a scientific piece, so am not even goin to bore your asess wit what premise he hung his theory on.

Clinton Richard Dawkins

This guy fell from the same tree as Charles, they both came from a long line of stiff upper lips; they are both British and scientists. But unlike Darwin who didn’t preoccupy himself with provin’ or disprovin’ the existence of God, Dawkins made a name for himself, not as a scientist but as a punk ass who gallivant around the world runnin’ his big mouth about somethin’ he doesn’t believe in, how ludicrous is that? Can I please make a name for myself by tellin’ the world about a fraud called Dawkins, can I?

Quoting somethin’ I read recently “This british ethologist has established a reputation of avoiding debates with strongest opponents”. Somebody please tell CNN that am ready to battle this Dick Punkins. Oops, I meant Richard Dawkins!

Lil Ol’ Richie has even made himself a lil fortune by writin’ about his own delusion, He wrote the “god delusion”, “what if you were wrong?” and one other book I can’t recollect right now.

Elena

My Nordic friend is a self-professed atheist, she doesn’t believe in the existence of some Man up in the sky pullin’ strings and shit. “If there was really a God as the Christians say, why would He allow so many injustices”, she would say.

We’ve had some many arguments about the existence of God but somehow, she always finds a way of bringin’ religion into it. Understandably, a lot of folks have an axe to grind wit organized religion, I do too but then again, who doesn’t, what wit all these fake ass men of God front’n around the world, duping folks and sneakin’ their dicks in lil boys asses. But even wit all that drama, there’s no way am I goin to believe that humans came from some crystallized atom or somethin’. Please, don’t even make me laugh!

Elena love quoting people like Dawkins, Scott D. Weitzenhoffer and ‘em but whenever she comes up wit one of those quotes, am always like, “please, why do you always quote Dawkins’ view on things, do you have any views of your own?”

Today

Today I checked her out and I found this quote by her, “Religion is a state of delusion. I don’t believe, I don’t respect your religion and I don’t care if it offends you”

That got me thinkin’ that most folks who claim that they don’t believe in the existence of God are jus mad at organized religion because of the bad apples within the bunch!

What If You Were Wrong Too?

Some scientists believe that life on earth originated and then evolved from a universal common ancestor approximately 3.7 billion years ago. The operatin’ here is “evolved”, as in evolution, which is what people like Dawkins always hang their little denial on.

Now, am not a religious man but I believe there’s a God, I believe we didn’t drop from space or evolve from primates as some of these punk asses would have us believe, that common ancestor that these niggas said we evolved from, somebody put his/ her ass here.

Finally, I got one question for Dawkins, Lene and other Atheists…what if your punk asses were wrong too, have you thought about that?

THE GOD QUESTION

“It hilarious how atheists are so preoccupied tryin’ to prove the non existence of a God they don’t believe in?”

Who said those words, do you know?

Huh, did you jus say Socrates? Einstein? Abe Lincoln?

Please, let me save you all the stress cause you ain’t never gonna get it.

“Why?” you asked

That’s cause y’all never thought a nigga like me could kick a dope ass quote like Abe Lincoln, Aristotle, Chuck D and ‘em! Those are my words are mine; you can go ahead and quote your boy now. Ah ha!

Chuck D

Do you know who he was? Am sure you do but what am not sure about of is, are we talkin’ about the same person?

I know a lot of you readin’ shit are pro’ly thinkin’ about Carlton Douglas A.K.A Chuck D from that socially and politically conscious 80s rap group, Public Enemy. If you’re too young to know them, get your Google on! But yo, I ain’t talkin’ bout the lyrical Chuck D, am talkin’ about the scientific Chuck D…that nigga Charles Darwin! Lookin’ at his picture, Rick Ross’s beard can’t even hold a light to Darwin’s beard! Lol

If you’ve ever been in the four walls of a secondary school before, then your biology teacher must have holla’d the name of Charles Darwin in your ear once or twice durin’ one of those miserable hours you spent in class pretendin’ like you were listenin. By the way, if your name is Charles, you can also be called Chuck, jus in case you didn’t know. Thought I’d throw that in there to make myself look like am au fait (knowledgeable). Lmao!

Anyways, that nigga Darwin was the first to come up wit a persuasive scientific argument for the theory of evolution by means of natural selection. This is not a scientific piece, so am not even goin to bore your asess wit what premise he hung his theory on.

Clinton Richard Dawkins

This guy fell from the same tree as Charles, they both came from a long line of stiff upper lips; they are both British and scientists. But unlike Darwin who didn’t preoccupy himself with provin’ or disprovin’ the existence of God, Dawkins made a name for himself, not as a scientist but as a punk ass who gallivant around the world runnin’ his big mouth about somethin’ he doesn’t believe in, how ludicrous is that? Can I please make a name for myself by tellin’ the world about a fraud called Dawkins, can I?

Quoting somethin’ I read recently “This british ethologist has established a reputation of avoiding debates with strongest opponents”. Somebody please tell CNN that am ready to battle this Dick Punkins. Oops, I meant Richard Dawkins!

Lil Ol’ Richie has even made himself a lil fortune by writin’ about his own delusion, He wrote the “god delusion”, “what if you were wrong?” and one other book I can’t recollect right now.

Elena

My Nordic friend is a self-professed atheist, she doesn’t believe in the existence of some Man up in the sky pullin’ strings and shit. “If there was really a God as the Christians say, why would He allow so many injustices”, she would say.

We’ve had some many arguments about the existence of God but somehow, she always finds a way of bringin’ religion into it. Understandably, a lot of folks have an axe to grind wit organized religion, I do too but then again, who doesn’t, what wit all these fake ass men of God front’n around the world, duping folks and sneakin’ their dicks in lil boys asses. But even wit all that drama, there’s no way am I goin to believe that humans came from some crystallized atom or somethin’. Please, don’t even make me laugh!

Elena love quoting people like Dawkins, Scott D. Weitzenhoffer and ‘em but whenever she comes up wit one of those quotes, am always like, “please, why do you always quote Dawkins’ view on things, do you have any views of your own?”

Today

Today I checked her out and I found this quote by her, “Religion is a state of delusion. I don’t believe, I don’t respect your religion and I don’t care if it offends you”

That got me thinkin’ that most folks who claim that they don’t believe in the existence of God are jus mad at organized religion because of the bad apples within the bunch!

What If You Were Wrong Too?

Some scientists believe that life on earth originated and then evolved from a universal common ancestor approximately 3.7 billion years ago. The operatin’ here is “evolved”, as in evolution, which is what people like Dawkins always hang their little denial on.

Now, am not a religious man but I believe there’s a God, I believe we didn’t drop from space or evolve from primates as some of these punk asses would have us believe, that common ancestor that these niggas said we evolved from, somebody put his/ her ass here.

Finally, I got one question for Dawkins, Lene and other Atheists…what if your punk asses were wrong too, have you thought about that?

PUT A RING ON IT

Umm, how about you go grab a bible, open it up and flip the pages to the book of genesis chapter three (3) wit’ me, huh? Is that okay? Good!

How about we take this lil production a lil further by readin’ from the beginnin’ of the chapter to the end? Huh, you’re not a Christian? Ok then, I’ma read it to ya, how about that? Good!

Am gon be readin’ from the Dobs Urban Version, by the way.

Chapter three verse one says, “Now the snake was more devious than any beast in the field…and the snake holla at the lady, yo, God told you not to eat from every tree in this garden, didn’t He?

Am I borin’ your asses? Okay, I’ma jus cut to the chase and head on straight to verses eleven (11) and twelve (12) but y’all should try to read the whole chapter sometime, a’ight?

*still readin’ from the Urban Version* chapter eleven, “and God said, who told you that you were butt naked? You’ve taken a bite outta the fruit I ordered you not to, haven’t you?”

Chapter twelve, ah ha *drum rolls* this chapter right here is why I brought y’all into the good book, “and the Adam said, the shawtie you gave me to wife, she gave me the fruit and I ate”

Did you guys get the gist of what went down in that chapter?

Ok, I’ma break it down for you the way I see it from where am standin’. That nigga Adam, after the good Lord caught his ass munchin’ on the forbidden fruit that fine afternoon in the garden of Eden, subtly blamed God for his disobedience!

How, you say? Read the chapter eleven and twelve again and pay close attention to the exchange between God and Adam

When the Lord said, “nigga, you’ve been eaten the fruit I specifically told you not to eat, huh? Don’t even deny it, I caught your ass red handed”

And what was Adam’s reply?

Nigga was like, “OMG, it was the chick you gave me to marry that caused it. Lord, you know your boy well. You know I wouldn’t have disobeyed you if it wasn’t’ for this woman you gave me”

God must have thought to Himself, “what! So, this nigga wanna blame me now for hookin’ his lonely ass up wit a fine ass girl like Eve”

Adam must have been thinkin’ too, “damn, I’ve messed up. I shouldn’t have listened to Eve”

My Theory

From that day onward, the good Lord decided he wasn’t goin’ to hook anybody up again.

And how did I know this?

If you’d walk wit me to the book of Proverbs chapter eighteen (18) Verses twenty two (22) you would find where It says, “Whoever finds a Shawtie to wife finds a good thing and gets support from the Lord”

Ah ha, now you know! I know a lot of folks out there are prayin’ like, “please, God give me a good husby/ wifey “. Guess what? The Lord ain’t gon’ give your ass nada, He’ll jus look at you and say, “Nah, you gotta go search for yourself. When you’ve found yourself a good choice, bring him or her to me and am gon’ bless both your asses, kapisch?”

I know Beyonce is whisperin’ in your ear right now wit all that “if you want it, put a ring on it” routine but before you put a ring on anythin’, open your freakin’ eyes or you might put that precious ring on a bitch and God won’t held responsible for your choice!

PUT A RING ON IT

Umm, how about you go grab a bible, open it up and flip the pages to the book of genesis chapter three (3) wit’ me, huh? Is that okay? Good!

How about we take this lil production a lil further by readin’ from the beginnin’ of the chapter to the end? Huh, you’re not a Christian? Ok then, I’ma read it to ya, how about that? Good!

Am gon be readin’ from the Dobs Urban Version, by the way.

Chapter three verse one says, “Now the snake was more devious than any beast in the field…and the snake holla at the lady, yo, God told you not to eat from every tree in this garden, didn’t He?

Am I borin’ your asses? Okay, I’ma jus cut to the chase and head on straight to verses eleven (11) and twelve (12) but y’all should try to read the whole chapter sometime, a’ight?

*still readin’ from the Urban Version* chapter eleven, “and God said, who told you that you were butt naked? You’ve taken a bite outta the fruit I ordered you not to, haven’t you?”

Chapter twelve, ah ha *drum rolls* this chapter right here is why I brought y’all into the good book, “and the Adam said, the shawtie you gave me to wife, she gave me the fruit and I ate”

Did you guys get the gist of what went down in that chapter?

Ok, I’ma break it down for you the way I see it from where am standin’. That nigga Adam, after the good Lord caught his ass munchin’ on the forbidden fruit that fine afternoon in the garden of Eden, subtly blamed God for his disobedience!

How, you say? Read the chapter eleven and twelve again and pay close attention to the exchange between God and Adam

When the Lord said, “nigga, you’ve been eaten the fruit I specifically told you not to eat, huh? Don’t even deny it, I caught your ass red handed”

And what was Adam’s reply?

Nigga was like, “OMG, it was the chick you gave me to marry that caused it. Lord, you know your boy well. You know I wouldn’t have disobeyed you if it wasn’t’ for this woman you gave me”

God must have thought to Himself, “what! So, this nigga wanna blame me now for hookin’ his lonely ass up wit a fine ass girl like Eve”

Adam must have been thinkin’ too, “damn, I’ve messed up. I shouldn’t have listened to Eve”

My Theory

From that day onward, the good Lord decided he wasn’t goin’ to hook anybody up again.

And how did I know this?

If you’d walk wit me to the book of Proverbs chapter eighteen (18) Verses twenty two (22) you would find where It says, “Whoever finds a Shawtie to wife finds a good thing and gets support from the Lord”

Ah ha, now you know! I know a lot of folks out there are prayin’ like, “please, God give me a good husby/ wifey “. Guess what? The Lord ain’t gon’ give your ass nada, He’ll jus look at you and say, “Nah, you gotta go search for yourself. When you’ve found yourself a good choice, bring him or her to me and am gon’ bless both your asses, kapisch?”

I know Beyonce is whisperin’ in your ear right now wit all that “if you want it, put a ring on it” routine but before you put a ring on anythin’, open your freakin’ eyes or you might put that precious ring on a bitch and God won’t held responsible for your choice!

ALBINOID

2002

Michael

There was a hot gospel R&B group I use to know back when I was in the university; it was a group of four talented guys. This gospel soul quartet was so good; they got some ladies eatin’ from the palm of their hands. Did y’all notice the part where I said “some ladies”? You did? Good, cause I got my ladies too and they eat from nobody’s palm but mine! Ah, ego boostin’ myself, huh? Lol!

You know, at campus concerts, the ladies be throwin’ g-strings and bras at these niggas! Ok ok am lyin’ about the panties and bra  throwin’ bit but seriously, the ladies got love for them and some boys admire their skills. They were my boys, so I had none but love ‘em for too.

Back when I used to stay in the hostel, me and my boy, Melvin would usually tease them boys on how they were goin’ around the campus front’n like they were Boyz II Men. These niggas could throw down a capella anytime and they usually did like seasoned vets. We (students in our hostel block) all loved it when they would jus hang by the stairway late in the night, vibin and kickin up unbelievable harmonies.

In every R&B band, we all have our favorite person from that group, right? Wanya Morris was my favorite from Boyz II Men (I added Shawn Stockman as time went by), Kenny Green (Intro), Slim (1-12), K-Ci (Jodeci), Bobby Brown (New Edition), Carl E. Martin (Shai) and from this gospel cats, my favorite was Michael.

Michael was a gentle and soft spoken nigga who could have given Shawn Stockman a run for his moolah any day if he had the same platform; yeah this nigga was that good! Michael could be in the corridor doin’ his laundry or at the tap fetchin’ water and singin’, and folks would literally stop whatever they were doin’ jus to listen to a brotha. True story, no lie!

Apart from bein’ able to blow like a canary or is it, nightingale (what bird could sing the sweetest again?), there was somethin’ else that set him apart, somethin’ that made him different…

Y’all hold on to that thought while I tell you about somebody else, is that okay?

Victor

My friend Victor was one of the greatest pussy men I ever kicked it with. When I say pussy man, I don’t mean being a coward, right? I meant a nigga who’s been in all kinds of exotic pussies; Hugh Heffner ain’t got shit on my boy! Black, white, Indian, alien, name it and this nigga’s done it all…did I say alien? Well, y’all know what am tryna say, right? Lmao!

Albinos

Now what do these two friends of mine have in common apart from the fact that we all went to the same school?

Did somebody jus say they were both albinos? 

Nah, sorry to bust your bubbles but that wasn’t what they had in common! One was an albino and the other wasn’t.

“But where is the common ground?” you asked

My nigga Viccolo is the only friend I know who’s ever fucked an albino before and he testified to the goodness of that pussy!

Tanzania
Today, Tuesday, 22.11.2011

Listenin’ to the news today, I heard that eight (8) mutherfuckers were sentence to die in Tanzania and ninety four (94) others are awaitin’ trials.

Though I wasn’t particularly happy about the death sentencin’ but you can be sure I wasn’t sad at all. As much as am not for death sentencing (I believe niggas should live to suffer the consequences of their action and if they die in the process, so be it), I like the ones passed in TZ yesterday.

In this day and age, isn’t it barbaric to think that killin’ a nigga with an exotic skin and usin’ his body parts for ritual will bring your ass wealth? These lazy niggas in TZ were goin’ beheading albinos and sellin’ their body parts to some other fools who think that shit can take asses to Easy Street.

Imagine killin’ the talented Mr. Michael, imagine murderin’ that fine ass albino pussy my nigga Vickey testified about, imagine beheadin’ Boris Bekker and Paul Scholes and them other beautiful everyday albino niggas…God forbid!

I hope those 94 awaitin’ still sentencin’ will be treated the way they treated their victims…if it was down to me, I will take their body parts out, one by one until their miserable lives end.

ALBINOID

2002

Michael

There was a hot gospel R&B group I use to know back when I was in the university; it was a group of four talented guys. This gospel soul quartet was so good; they got some ladies eatin’ from the palm of their hands. Did y’all notice the part where I said “some ladies”? You did? Good, cause I got my ladies too and they eat from nobody’s palm but mine! Ah, ego boostin’ myself, huh? Lol!

You know, at campus concerts, the ladies be throwin’ g-strings and bras at these niggas! Ok ok am lyin’ about the panties and bra  throwin’ bit but seriously, the ladies got love for them and some boys admire their skills. They were my boys, so I had none but love ‘em for too.

Back when I used to stay in the hostel, me and my boy, Melvin would usually tease them boys on how they were goin’ around the campus front’n like they were Boyz II Men. These niggas could throw down a capella anytime and they usually did like seasoned vets. We (students in our hostel block) all loved it when they would jus hang by the stairway late in the night, vibin and kickin up unbelievable harmonies.

In every R&B band, we all have our favorite person from that group, right? Wanya Morris was my favorite from Boyz II Men (I added Shawn Stockman as time went by), Kenny Green (Intro), Slim (1-12), K-Ci (Jodeci), Bobby Brown (New Edition), Carl E. Martin (Shai) and from this gospel cats, my favorite was Michael.

Michael was a gentle and soft spoken nigga who could have given Shawn Stockman a run for his moolah any day if he had the same platform; yeah this nigga was that good! Michael could be in the corridor doin’ his laundry or at the tap fetchin’ water and singin’, and folks would literally stop whatever they were doin’ jus to listen to a brotha. True story, no lie!

Apart from bein’ able to blow like a canary or is it, nightingale (what bird could sing the sweetest again?), there was somethin’ else that set him apart, somethin’ that made him different…

Y’all hold on to that thought while I tell you about somebody else, is that okay?

Victor

My friend Victor was one of the greatest pussy men I ever kicked it with. When I say pussy man, I don’t mean being a coward, right? I meant a nigga who’s been in all kinds of exotic pussies; Hugh Heffner ain’t got shit on my boy! Black, white, Indian, alien, name it and this nigga’s done it all…did I say alien? Well, y’all know what am tryna say, right? Lmao!

Albinos

Now what do these two friends of mine have in common apart from the fact that we all went to the same school?

Did somebody jus say they were both albinos? 

Nah, sorry to bust your bubbles but that wasn’t what they had in common! One was an albino and the other wasn’t.

“But where is the common ground?” you asked

My nigga Viccolo is the only friend I know who’s ever fucked an albino before and he testified to the goodness of that pussy!

Tanzania
Today, Tuesday, 22.11.2011

Listenin’ to the news today, I heard that eight (8) mutherfuckers were sentence to die in Tanzania and ninety four (94) others are awaitin’ trials.

Though I wasn’t particularly happy about the death sentencin’ but you can be sure I wasn’t sad at all. As much as am not for death sentencing (I believe niggas should live to suffer the consequences of their action and if they die in the process, so be it), I like the ones passed in TZ yesterday.

In this day and age, isn’t it barbaric to think that killin’ a nigga with an exotic skin and usin’ his body parts for ritual will bring your ass wealth? These lazy niggas in TZ were goin’ beheading albinos and sellin’ their body parts to some other fools who think that shit can take asses to Easy Street.

Imagine killin’ the talented Mr. Michael, imagine murderin’ that fine ass albino pussy my nigga Vickey testified about, imagine beheadin’ Boris Bekker and Paul Scholes and them other beautiful everyday albino niggas…God forbid!

I hope those 94 awaitin’ still sentencin’ will be treated the way they treated their victims…if it was down to me, I will take their body parts out, one by one until their miserable lives end.

UNTOUCHED

Yesterday, Sunday

20.11.2011

13:40

Before I became conscious of what my punk ass was gettin’ into, my brain and my legs had already put their conspiracy into action, they were fuckin’ takin’ me to the front without my consent. I was halfway there and there was no turnin’ back, I could feel many pairs of curious eyes burned deep into the back of my neck with every step I took. Oh mine, I didn’t think shit could be that hard!

Out front, my body tensed, my heart beat was alarmin’ and if I wasn’t so freakin’ sure of my state of health, I woulda thought I was comin’ down with a strange case of heart attack. I took coupla quick breaths in and exhaled tryin’ to calm my ass down but the more I tried, the more I heard my heart poundin’ in my ear with the force a military brass band. In those few minutes I was out there, if my heart was a race car, it woulda been challengin’ for a pole position at some F1 track!

To any casual observer, I must have looked the perfect picture of a calm mutherfucker wit my shoulders squarely poised and my legs firmly dug to the ground. I had my arms folded across my chest and my legs slightly spread apart like a bouncer workin’ the doors at some night club in a rough neighborhood, I opened one eye a little to see all the good folks that have fallen to the ground beside me. What! I ain’t goin’ down like that, well at least the last time I was caught in a situation similar to this, I didn’t fall (an ex girl friend can testify to that…that’s a tale for another day though).

I opened both my eyes a minute later jus in time to see a fallin lady beside me got caught by two women in suit jus before she reached the ground. I moved a lil to the side to avoid another lady who was groanin’ and turnin’ dervishly like a malfuctionin’ windmill on some abandoned farm in Texas, nah can’t let nobody knock my ass down like that.

Can I tell you one fact? Ok, here it is, do you know that when your eyes are closed, even the gentlest of touches can potentially have your ass kissin’ the deck, huh? Well, now you know! Can I hear a “thank you, uncle Dobs” from somebody? Lol! With that lil fact tucked in the back of my brain, I kept my fuckin’ eyes opened from then on ‘cause if am gonna go down, I gotta go down for real and not ‘cause everybody else was goin’ down.

Five minutes later, I was still standin’, matter of fact, of all the guys I was out there with, only me and one other guy weren’t touched by the supernatural tsunami that was blowin’ everybody around us down. Damn, I was beginin’ to be self conscious cause I was thinkin’ those many pair of eyes I mentioned earlier must really be focused on me now. I turned my head cautiously to the right and then to the left like I was tryna work a stiffness out of my neck meanwhile, what I was really tryna do was look for an escape hatch. I made my escape when some new folks with a different prayer request came to the front to be prayed for!

Today

Why was I out there In front of the Church yesterday and did the Pastor deliberately ignored my ass?

 I responded or rather, the spirit moved me to respond to a call by the pastor for people who felt their hustle had been stagnant for some time. My hustle certainly needs a boost, so up I went.

See, usually I don’t respond to such calls, I jus hang back, soak up whatever prayer the pastor had to say, say my amen and claim the blessin’ for myself but yesterday was different cause I responded but for some unknown reason the Pastor didn’t touch me…of all the peeps that came out, I was the only one who didn’t get touched by the MOG (the Man Of God eventually touched the other dude who was on the same boat but jus didn’t get to me)!

Oh, I forgot to mention that while I was standin’ out there in front of the congregation, waitin on that touch, I kept my ass occupied by plainin’ how I was gonna write this blog in my head! I was thinkin’ of how am gon tell y’all how the pastor ignored me or mistook me for one of the church workers (catchin’ the folks that were being knocked over by the ‘’holy spirit’’) but then again, I thought how could the pastor mistake me for an usher and I wasn’t even dressed in a suit…I was rockin’ a faded blue jeans, a tee shirt and a pair of navy blue loafers!

Back To Sunday

14:15

The pastor wrapped up his part of the service and was talkin’ with some members of the church jus outside the main entrance; I took one quick look in their general direction and went back to replyin’ to a message on my phone (I was sittin’ under the trees outside the church).  I was so engrossed wit what I was doin’, I didn’t hear the figure approach until I heard the familiar voice say “God bless you, brother and thank you for fellowshipping with us”. What! The pastor had come to right a wrong!

I thought to myself, hmmm, “somebody” musta told him how my ass got ignored earlier but guess what? All that shit didn’t matter no more after he prayed for me and we shook hands.

Today

14:00

 Sittin’ here a day later, bangin’ out this blog, am thinkin’, we stress ourselves out a lot of the time for nothin’. Sometimes, shit jus work themselves out. God’s got a plan and most times, His plans are different from ours