LIL' CHUCKY

Sunday, 23 October

11:56

Knowing how late my ass was, I was determined to make every minute I spent in there count. And yup, I know I always go late but if y’all must know, there’s a method to my lateness.

Early This Year

The first time I stepped in the place, I went early thinkin’ we gon be out by twelve, boy was I wrong? At fourteen thirty, it seemed the man holdin court was jus’ getting’ warmed up. Like an electric train between stations, the man can’t be stopped! After waitin’ another thirty minutes, I decided to jet. On my way out; I asked one of the guys at the door, an extremely black, bald headed middle aged man wit a well-groomed goatee

“Is there something special goin’ on today?”

Smiling like all well trained ushers do, he said, “No, this is how we do it every Sunday”

“Hmmm, ok”, I mumbled and quickly reached for my phone, “hey, hi”, hollering unnecessarily into the phone as i walked away.

Did my phone ring? Nah, that was jus’ my emergency exit strategy, somethin’ I’ve used time and time again whenever am caught up a in sticky situation like that one! Ever since that first encounter, I began to time my goin to this church.

12:05

For five minute I stood in the back of the church trying to see if I could spot an empty seat in the back somewhere but no cigar, matter of fact, all the seats in the church were occupied or so it seemed. The MOG (Man Of God) was already doin’ his thing, whippin’ up the church into a spiritual frenzy. I didn’t know that some usher had noticed that my late-coming ass was stranded; he came and offered to help me get a seat. I told him I’d rather he brought me a seat, if he could, so I could sit my ass down under one of the big trees (with them lil kids, all girls except for one boy) by the church and he delivered in less than a minute! Wow, how did you an empty chair, huh? I thought to myself.

Round 12:45

Around twelve forty-five or somethin, the pastor said somethin’ about wrappin his sermon up. In my head I was thinkin’, knock it off MOG, you and I know you ain’t finishin anytime soon.

See, so many times before he’d said that some like and still went on forever, so I didn’t really take that to heart.

I kicked my focus up a notch, tyrin to make up for lost time (or lost sermon) but my Zen-like concentration was broken by that three old boy coolin wit them lil girls when he started wailin’ like an old hag at a funeral parlor. The mother tried in vain to calm the lil menace down but no dice.

I love kids but lil Dennis the menace rode my nerve. With every passin second, lil chucky raised his cryin’ to a higher decibel; it seemed some kinda evil spirit had gotten into him. I was so pissed; I wanted so much to test that lil nigga’s behind wit a couple of strokes of the cane and chase the devil out of him.

The kid ain’t mine and I couldn’t jus go around whooping people’s kids, so I improvised…I gave the boy my evilest eye, I fuckin’ stared the lil punk ass to silence. The kid quickly ran and hid his tear stained face in his mama’s lap! Yeah, call me a villain, call me what you but the end justified the means.

12:58

With lil chucky stared into silence, I returned my attention to the pulpit to enjoy the rest of the sermon and boom, the pastor told us to stand up for the grace! What? How could the service jus end like that? I mean, I’ve come to expect a “sermonthon” from the pastor. It was a pleasant surprise, I must say. And for the first time since I started goin to that church, I stayed till the end…hallelujah, somebody!

On my way out, out of curiosity I asked the lil Chucky’s mum why the lil guy cried so hard. She told me it was because he didn’t want to share his food wit his sister. Unknown to the mum, I gave the boy one last evil eye and watched him shrank further into his mama’s back!