Dick Man X a.k.a DMX

The moment I saw the news item that inspired this piece, I flipped through my mental music catalogue and pulled out two hot joints from the crates (hot blasts from the mutherfuckin’ past), wipe the CDs clean, jus’ so there’s no dust on ‘em, slide ‘em into my mental CD player then I kicked back and got lost in the classic tunes of Earl Simmons a.k.a DMX a.k.a Dark Man X a.k.a Mr. Can’t-Keep-My-Ass-Outta-Trouble! I'm LOLin’ on the last bit right there…is that a bit harsh? Nah, I think not. Besides, he's richer and more famous than me, the only way I can make myself feel a lil’ famous is to poke a lil’ fun at a brotha’s ass.

Ay yo, am slippin’, I’m fallin’
I can’t get up
Ay yo am slippin’, I’m fallin’
I gots to get up
Get back on my feet so I can tear shit up

As I lay naked on the bed, listenin’ to SLIPPIN’ (that’s from the flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood album, by the way, one of the best sellin’ rap albums of all time), I read the headline from the news article again, “DMX HAS NAMED HIS 10th CHILD after the late singer Aaliyah.” What! Ten kids by the Dark Man? Amazin’ shit! Little wonder X lost the plot, his skinny dark ass is slippin ’and fallin’ and findin’ it so fuckin’ hard to get up! Ten children (4 of whom he had with ex-wife, Tashera)…wit who he had the other lil’ Xs, I got no idea but all I can say is, damn, that’s a prolific sower of wild oat right there!

With an arrest rap sheet that read longer than a text book, I wonder how he managed to squeeze in some’ time for Fuck O’clock. I mean, jus’ take a look at the offences this cat has been arrested and done time behind bars for, shits from animal cruelty to reckless driving, drug possession, identity falsification, sexual abuse, unlawful imprisonment, assault and weapon charges. Phew! *catches breath*

*SLIPPIN’ done playin, pressed play on “UP IN HERE”*

Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind
Up in here, up in here
Y’all gon’ make me lose my cool
In here, up in here
Y’all gon’ make me go all out
(From the “Gone in 60sec” soundtrack)

As I listened to that shit, am like, this nigga is a promise keeper. He said he was gonna go all out and he did... he produced 10 good ones from his big black balls (am jus’ guessin’ he got big nuts, that is. lol)! Mind you, there may be more somewhere. Dog Man X must be fightin’ a life-long battle with high surge of testosterone and losin’, big time.

As "Up in Here" ended on my mental player, another rapper came to mind, and the more I thought about it, the more I saw parallel between DMX and this rapper. *Cleared throat* the only rapper I know who can match DMX child for child, time served by bars for time served by bars is T.I… I can y’all noddin’ like, yeah, true that!

Anyways, I hope both of these cats will stay out of trouble and try their best to turn the plug off their baby-makin’ factories and give the rest of us who are yet to put one out a chance. As DMX was getting’ released last month for the umpteenth time, he’s manager said, "it’s time to let the Dog out of the kennel".

Well here’s what Dobs said, "Dog better stay out the kennel and keep that dick wrapped".