Sunday, January 29, 2012
IF ALL QUESTIONS HAD ANSWERS
IF ALL QUESTIONS HAD ANSWERS, LIFE WOULD BE DULL. THERE WILL BE NO MYSTERIES AND THERE WILL BE NO GOD.
NGOKA ELEVEN
A While Back
Kano City,
Nigeria
A Pharmacist Named Wole
Some years ago in the northern Nigerian city of Kano, I met an interestin’ nigga named Wole, a fresh graduate of pharmacy…
Kano?
Uh huh, the same city that was headline news last week for the Friday January the 20th bomb attack by Boko Haram (an Islamic sect opposed to western education). The ironic thing about these Haramists is that the leaders are well educated; some even got educated in the United States and speak fluent English with American accent. How dumb can the followers of this terror organisation get, huh? I mean, you have to be poor and mentally enslaved to join these niggas.
Anyways, I lived in that great city for two interestin years and I enjoyed every minute of it (includin’ the broke-no-food-to-eat minutes) and my boy Kevin and some other folks can testify to it cause they were all there, we ran the freakin’ town together, if y’all know what I mean.
What, you don’t? Then jus go ahead and act like you know. Lol!
And what was I doin’ Kano?
I was there on national youth service, a one year mandatory postin’ every graduate gotta go through before jumpin’ into the rat race of real time paper chasin’ and buildin’ a life in the real world.
See, the university life can be very decievin’ for about ninety eight percent of undergraduates cause somebody else (insert parents, guardians or whoever) is pickin’ the tab for their education and all them other indulgences that goes with it and trust me, there are many of those. So, the youth service thing was meant to ease our graduate asses into the whirlpool of real time hustle and grind.
Back to my nigga the pharmacist
Wole’s gotta be one of the most interestin’ dudes anybody can hang with, he was Intelligent, had great sense of humor, loved his booze as well as his women, could sustain a good banter for days, nigga was a damn good general knowledge guy.
General knowledge, ah ha! You see, am a good general knowledge kinda guy myself and I was back then too but there are still many things you don’t know that others know, right? Whenever I meet nigga like my bud Wole I like to chill and pick their brain and though I may not soak it all in, some things (a word, a phrase or a name) stick.
It was Wole that first me got readin’ on Salah ad Din Yusuf Ibn Ayyuba a.k.a Saladin (the first sultan of Egypt and Syria) and his wars against the crusaders. One day, I was at his crib with some of our other friends and one thing led to things (like one of my friends like to say) and the talk got to the Ottoman Empire, Saladin, the crusaders and stuffs.
I held my peace and jus nodded, mumble and chip in the very little I know about the discussion like a wise sage. Nigga didn’t know I was a dumb fuck about Saladin and his famous wars. *smilin’*
Apart from the name Saladin and a couple of other things I took away from that encounter, Wole used the phrase “One Size Fits All” while he was arguing a point and that kinda stuck. Whenever I hear, see or use the phrase, I remember my nigga! That’s weird, huh? As that ever happened to y’all?
One Size Fits All
Part One
“One size fits All” is a phrase used to describe an item of clothin’ designed to fit most average people. Hmm, am sure my boy Lanre a.k.a Fat Boy Slim (a huge nigga) will have a lot to say about the “one size fits all” claim. Lanre is pro’ly the person I know (apart from Chuck Norris) who’s ever lost weight jus by sayin’ ‘‘am gonna lose weight’’ ah ha!
I once heard a tale that many many many years ago, garment manufacturers and merchants held a pow wow at some secret location in London wit the sole aim of comin’ up wit new ploys to get folks to buy more clothes without contemplatin’ their decision. They know that people will pro’ly change their minds once they start tryin’ things on, so after that secret meetin’ they came up wit’ the “one size fits all” scheme…*clears throat* am lyin’, nobody told me any story. Lol
What am tryna is, one size doesn’t fit all and even a fool knows that!
But wait a minute, I heard them clothes manufacturer now know that wised up to their scheme so they’ve switched the up and came up wit’ “One size Fits Most”
Part Two
The phrase is also used to describe a one-dimensional approach to solvin’ problems, a silver bullet kinda solution. Jus fire a silver bullet in there and poof, problems are solved.
Monday
25 January
17:26
115 Diseases
I’d jus returned to the shop to get my backpack when I happened on an interestin’ scene, a salesman who’d come to the shop to buy some’ to drink was tryna sell his stuff to the shopkeeper and the customers who’d come to the shop to buys.
20 Minutes Earlier
I was feelin’ very tired (maybe a lil’ feverish) and impatient cause the guy I’d told to come meet there hadn’t showed, so I decided to take a walk down to the newsstand to check if the vendor still had the Newsweek 2011 Photo of The Year edition (that shit had iconic photos it. The dead body of Gaddafi, Nicky Minaj and Gaga all doled like scare crows, the Arab springers etc ). I’d tried to buy the magazine a day before but the vendor acted like he didn’t need the money.
How?
Well, I asked the man how much the mag was goin’ for, he told me the price. I beat it down. He said no. I put a lil some’ on my first offer, the nigga said to put a lil more.
I pulled out my wallet and expertly fished out what I wanted him to believe was all I had. I waved the money close to his way so he could get a good look at what he was about to lose if I walk away (wavin’ the cash in his face was bait ). The man wouldn’t budge. Slowly, I put the cash back in my wallet and started movin’ away from the stand half hopin’ the punk ass would call me back but alas, nigga stuck to his gun.
Fuck it, it wasn’t like the mag was a January 2011 edition, that shit was a December issue for god’s sake and this nigga watched money walk right out of his stand. Oh well
17:26
So, the salesman was holdin’ court, he had three nigga captive wit his salesman’s skill. I paid them no mind, I jus told the shopkeeper to pass my backpack and I was ready to go home and get some rest but then I heard the salesman say somethin’ that blew me away.
“This medicine that you’re seein’ cures one hundred and fifteen diseases” the salesman enthused
What! My head automatically snapped in his direction. A medicine that cures a host of diseases, that’s a “One Size Fits All” medicine right there!
“Can I take a look?” I said, reaching’ out my hand
Nigga handed me a pamphlet and five green sachets (all strung together) of the messianic medicine. Ngoka Eleven, the name on the sachet proudly proclaimed. I switched my attention to the pamphlet and it confirmed what the salesman said, shit could cure 115 diseases! What! How come Pfizer and all them other pharmaceutical heavyweights never knew about this?
“Hmm, is this stuff for real?” my game face was on as I handed the miracle medicine back to him. Damn, I tried real hard not to crack open a while smile.
‘’Boss, this medicine is very good’’ he beamed
“Seriously, how did you know that?”
“Draining the last the drop of his bottled water, he replied “I’ve used it some many times before. It cured my ulcer”
I stiffed my lips and nodded, that was the best I could do to keep myself from puttin’ a needle to his Ngoka Eleven balloon. Now, what kinda guy would I be if I rubbished his means of livehood wit’ a superior argument on why there’s no “One Size Fits All” medicine
I wonder what my nigga, pharmacist Wole would say to that street pharmacist if he was there wit me?
NGOKA ELEVEN
A While Back
Kano City,
Nigeria
A Pharmacist Named Wole
Some years ago in the northern Nigerian city of Kano, I met an interestin’ nigga named Wole, a fresh graduate of pharmacy…
Kano?
Uh huh, the same city that was headline news last week for the Friday January the 20th bomb attack by Boko Haram (an Islamic sect opposed to western education). The ironic thing about these Haramists is that the leaders are well educated; some even got educated in the United States and speak fluent English with American accent. How dumb can the followers of this terror organisation get, huh? I mean, you have to be poor and mentally enslaved to join these niggas.
Anyways, I lived in that great city for two interestin years and I enjoyed every minute of it (includin’ the broke-no-food-to-eat minutes) and my boy Kevin and some other folks can testify to it cause they were all there, we ran the freakin’ town together, if y’all know what I mean.
What, you don’t? Then jus go ahead and act like you know. Lol!
And what was I doin’ Kano?
I was there on national youth service, a one year mandatory postin’ every graduate gotta go through before jumpin’ into the rat race of real time paper chasin’ and buildin’ a life in the real world.
See, the university life can be very decievin’ for about ninety eight percent of undergraduates cause somebody else (insert parents, guardians or whoever) is pickin’ the tab for their education and all them other indulgences that goes with it and trust me, there are many of those. So, the youth service thing was meant to ease our graduate asses into the whirlpool of real time hustle and grind.
Back to my nigga the pharmacist
Wole’s gotta be one of the most interestin’ dudes anybody can hang with, he was Intelligent, had great sense of humor, loved his booze as well as his women, could sustain a good banter for days, nigga was a damn good general knowledge guy.
General knowledge, ah ha! You see, am a good general knowledge kinda guy myself and I was back then too but there are still many things you don’t know that others know, right? Whenever I meet nigga like my bud Wole I like to chill and pick their brain and though I may not soak it all in, some things (a word, a phrase or a name) stick.
It was Wole that first me got readin’ on Salah ad Din Yusuf Ibn Ayyuba a.k.a Saladin (the first sultan of Egypt and Syria) and his wars against the crusaders. One day, I was at his crib with some of our other friends and one thing led to things (like one of my friends like to say) and the talk got to the Ottoman Empire, Saladin, the crusaders and stuffs.
I held my peace and jus nodded, mumble and chip in the very little I know about the discussion like a wise sage. Nigga didn’t know I was a dumb fuck about Saladin and his famous wars. *smilin’*
Apart from the name Saladin and a couple of other things I took away from that encounter, Wole used the phrase “One Size Fits All” while he was arguing a point and that kinda stuck. Whenever I hear, see or use the phrase, I remember my nigga! That’s weird, huh? As that ever happened to y’all?
One Size Fits All
Part One
“One size fits All” is a phrase used to describe an item of clothin’ designed to fit most average people. Hmm, am sure my boy Lanre a.k.a Fat Boy Slim (a huge nigga) will have a lot to say about the “one size fits all” claim. Lanre is pro’ly the person I know (apart from Chuck Norris) who’s ever lost weight jus by sayin’ ‘‘am gonna lose weight’’ ah ha!
I once heard a tale that many many many years ago, garment manufacturers and merchants held a pow wow at some secret location in London wit the sole aim of comin’ up wit new ploys to get folks to buy more clothes without contemplatin’ their decision. They know that people will pro’ly change their minds once they start tryin’ things on, so after that secret meetin’ they came up wit’ the “one size fits all” scheme…*clears throat* am lyin’, nobody told me any story. Lol
What am tryna is, one size doesn’t fit all and even a fool knows that!
But wait a minute, I heard them clothes manufacturer now know that wised up to their scheme so they’ve switched the up and came up wit’ “One size Fits Most”
Part Two
The phrase is also used to describe a one-dimensional approach to solvin’ problems, a silver bullet kinda solution. Jus fire a silver bullet in there and poof, problems are solved.
Monday
25 January
17:26
115 Diseases
I’d jus returned to the shop to get my backpack when I happened on an interestin’ scene, a salesman who’d come to the shop to buy some’ to drink was tryna sell his stuff to the shopkeeper and the customers who’d come to the shop to buys.
20 Minutes Earlier
I was feelin’ very tired (maybe a lil’ feverish) and impatient cause the guy I’d told to come meet there hadn’t showed, so I decided to take a walk down to the newsstand to check if the vendor still had the Newsweek 2011 Photo of The Year edition (that shit had iconic photos it. The dead body of Gaddafi, Nicky Minaj and Gaga all doled like scare crows, the Arab springers etc ). I’d tried to buy the magazine a day before but the vendor acted like he didn’t need the money.
How?
Well, I asked the man how much the mag was goin’ for, he told me the price. I beat it down. He said no. I put a lil some’ on my first offer, the nigga said to put a lil more.
I pulled out my wallet and expertly fished out what I wanted him to believe was all I had. I waved the money close to his way so he could get a good look at what he was about to lose if I walk away (wavin’ the cash in his face was bait ). The man wouldn’t budge. Slowly, I put the cash back in my wallet and started movin’ away from the stand half hopin’ the punk ass would call me back but alas, nigga stuck to his gun.
Fuck it, it wasn’t like the mag was a January 2011 edition, that shit was a December issue for god’s sake and this nigga watched money walk right out of his stand. Oh well
17:26
So, the salesman was holdin’ court, he had three nigga captive wit his salesman’s skill. I paid them no mind, I jus told the shopkeeper to pass my backpack and I was ready to go home and get some rest but then I heard the salesman say somethin’ that blew me away.
“This medicine that you’re seein’ cures one hundred and fifteen diseases” the salesman enthused
What! My head automatically snapped in his direction. A medicine that cures a host of diseases, that’s a “One Size Fits All” medicine right there!
“Can I take a look?” I said, reaching’ out my hand
Nigga handed me a pamphlet and five green sachets (all strung together) of the messianic medicine. Ngoka Eleven, the name on the sachet proudly proclaimed. I switched my attention to the pamphlet and it confirmed what the salesman said, shit could cure 115 diseases! What! How come Pfizer and all them other pharmaceutical heavyweights never knew about this?
“Hmm, is this stuff for real?” my game face was on as I handed the miracle medicine back to him. Damn, I tried real hard not to crack open a while smile.
‘’Boss, this medicine is very good’’ he beamed
“Seriously, how did you know that?”
“Draining the last the drop of his bottled water, he replied “I’ve used it some many times before. It cured my ulcer”
I stiffed my lips and nodded, that was the best I could do to keep myself from puttin’ a needle to his Ngoka Eleven balloon. Now, what kinda guy would I be if I rubbished his means of livehood wit’ a superior argument on why there’s no “One Size Fits All” medicine
I wonder what my nigga, pharmacist Wole would say to that street pharmacist if he was there wit me?
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
SOMETIMES FOREVER IS FOREVER
Sometimes, Forever Is Forever But Most Times, Forever Isn't That Long Especially If You Got A Good Thing Goin'
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
THE BEST WAY TO STAY
THE BEST WAY TO STAY IN SOMEBODY'S MEMORY IS TO TEACH THEM SOMETHIN' THAT'LL STAY WIT' THEM FOREVER
Thursday, January 19, 2012
NAKED TRUTH ABOUT MALAWI
Tuesday
17 Tuesday
Malawi
?
It was my second time in that neck of the wood and I felt the urge to impress that special Dobs’ style and grace ‘pon the city.
Style and grace, hmm, I like how that sound. It sounds classy, huh? But you know, for a second there I was tempted to use that abominably overused word, swag but nah; I’d rather jump in a well than use it, ugh! *spits*
On my first visit country, I knew I didn’t do the ladies any justice. Why? Well, they didn’t get a gook (good look, jus incase your ass is wonderin’ what the word means) at the boy, plus I didn’t get the chance to roam the hot spots, so this time I told my lady friend I wanted to check out the scene
Lilongwe
09:10We drove into the glorious Tuesday mornin’ me and my friend, she was lookin’ hella good in a hot number; a gray micro miniskirt and a plungin’ neckline top that gave every rovin’ eyes a generous look into the two juicy molds on her chest. I swear the way the chick was dressed, the sex life of an eighty year old great grandfather could be resurrected!
And what was I dressed in?
I was in a straight legged faded blue Levi jean and an ash colored small size T (it had the image of cassette boldly emblazoned on it) and my ass was feelin’ like a million dollars. Huh, did somebody say Zimbabwe dollars?
Hell no!
Apologies to my Zimbabwean friends but there was no way a brotha that fly can feel anythin’ less than the real McCoy. I felt like a million USD!
Centre Business District
Bwalolanjovu
09:30Soon as we got to the CBD, I got out the whip while shawtie drove round lookin’ for a convenient spot. I needed to make a call so I walked outside the parkin’ area, hollered at a recharge card vendor getting’ his hustle on from a yellow kiosk not far from the gate. As I was tryna load the credit, we heard a commotion from somewhere behind us, I turned around to see what the heck was goin’ on. A few meters down the road, folks were runnin’ all over the place.
*clears throat* where am from, we don’t stand around when shit pop off like that, first we run and find out why folks were runnin’ later (this act has got nada to wit being a coward, it’s called self prservation) and that was exactly what I did, I headed stright in the direction of my friend’s car (thankfully, she hadn’t parked yet), I got in the car and wound the window up tight.
"What’s goin’ on?" she asked
"I don’t know. I saw folks runnin’ so I skipped too. That’s the wise to do, trust me’’
She looked at me wit a look that seemed to says, "Dude, I can’t believe you jus did that!"
I was like, "wipe that silly look off your face, you know am new in this town and even if I wasn’t, am not goin’ to stand around and get my ass caught up in shit"
Outside the car, we could see people runnin’ into shops, pro’ly tryna take refuge from whatever was causin’ the commotion out there.
What Went Down Street traders (vendor as they call ‘em in out there) and some other dumb ass folks in Lilongwe had gone on rampage stripping them sexy ladies naked cause they were wearin’ miniskirts and things. These fools even claimed that the president of the country had their back.
Ridiculosity!
"About five women were stripped naked at Bwalolanjovu, forcing all other women in trousers and miniskirts to either purchase chitenje (wrapper) or seek refuge in shops. As of Tuesday afternoon, there was no woman in trouser or mini skirt in Lilongwe. Women that were seen moving around the city were either in long skirts or chitenje (wrappers)"
What! Imagine what woulda happened to my companion if we had walked into that mob, jus imagine!
And what if we did, what would I have done?
Umm, y’all remember what I said about self preservation, huh? Lmao!
But seriously, what the fuck is wrong wit’ some folks, huh?
I mean, these schmucks should be more concerned wit their own hustle and gettin’ mullah to put food on their fuckin’ tables instead of goin’ around policin’ these fine ass women and what they wear.
The funny part of this whole shebang is, 98% of the fools strippin’ ladies naked in the street pro’ly go home every day and jerk off to the mental image of these women; mutherfuckers know their chance of hittin’ any of those bomb ass pussies is the same as findin’ snow in hell!
Final WordI feel ladies can wear whatever they want but they gotta mind where they go when they dress that ass wit certain things
Wednesday
10:46Umm, I have a confession to make and nah; I don’t need a clergy to spill my gut to on this.
Here’s the thing, I wasn’t anywhere near Malawi on Tuesday. All that story about me and a sexy lady friend, I made the entire thing up but for the ladies who walked down the main business centre of Lilongwe Tuesday mornin’ with their sexy asses wrapped their favorite miniskirts or trousers, I guarantee you that the whole episode was real for the unfortunate ones that got caught in the madness.
17 Tuesday
Malawi
?
It was my second time in that neck of the wood and I felt the urge to impress that special Dobs’ style and grace ‘pon the city.
Style and grace, hmm, I like how that sound. It sounds classy, huh? But you know, for a second there I was tempted to use that abominably overused word, swag but nah; I’d rather jump in a well than use it, ugh! *spits*
On my first visit country, I knew I didn’t do the ladies any justice. Why? Well, they didn’t get a gook (good look, jus incase your ass is wonderin’ what the word means) at the boy, plus I didn’t get the chance to roam the hot spots, so this time I told my lady friend I wanted to check out the scene
Lilongwe
09:10We drove into the glorious Tuesday mornin’ me and my friend, she was lookin’ hella good in a hot number; a gray micro miniskirt and a plungin’ neckline top that gave every rovin’ eyes a generous look into the two juicy molds on her chest. I swear the way the chick was dressed, the sex life of an eighty year old great grandfather could be resurrected!
And what was I dressed in?
I was in a straight legged faded blue Levi jean and an ash colored small size T (it had the image of cassette boldly emblazoned on it) and my ass was feelin’ like a million dollars. Huh, did somebody say Zimbabwe dollars?
Hell no!
Apologies to my Zimbabwean friends but there was no way a brotha that fly can feel anythin’ less than the real McCoy. I felt like a million USD!
Centre Business District
Bwalolanjovu
09:30Soon as we got to the CBD, I got out the whip while shawtie drove round lookin’ for a convenient spot. I needed to make a call so I walked outside the parkin’ area, hollered at a recharge card vendor getting’ his hustle on from a yellow kiosk not far from the gate. As I was tryna load the credit, we heard a commotion from somewhere behind us, I turned around to see what the heck was goin’ on. A few meters down the road, folks were runnin’ all over the place.
*clears throat* where am from, we don’t stand around when shit pop off like that, first we run and find out why folks were runnin’ later (this act has got nada to wit being a coward, it’s called self prservation) and that was exactly what I did, I headed stright in the direction of my friend’s car (thankfully, she hadn’t parked yet), I got in the car and wound the window up tight.
"What’s goin’ on?" she asked
"I don’t know. I saw folks runnin’ so I skipped too. That’s the wise to do, trust me’’
She looked at me wit a look that seemed to says, "Dude, I can’t believe you jus did that!"
I was like, "wipe that silly look off your face, you know am new in this town and even if I wasn’t, am not goin’ to stand around and get my ass caught up in shit"
Outside the car, we could see people runnin’ into shops, pro’ly tryna take refuge from whatever was causin’ the commotion out there.
What Went Down Street traders (vendor as they call ‘em in out there) and some other dumb ass folks in Lilongwe had gone on rampage stripping them sexy ladies naked cause they were wearin’ miniskirts and things. These fools even claimed that the president of the country had their back.
Ridiculosity!
"About five women were stripped naked at Bwalolanjovu, forcing all other women in trousers and miniskirts to either purchase chitenje (wrapper) or seek refuge in shops. As of Tuesday afternoon, there was no woman in trouser or mini skirt in Lilongwe. Women that were seen moving around the city were either in long skirts or chitenje (wrappers)"
What! Imagine what woulda happened to my companion if we had walked into that mob, jus imagine!
And what if we did, what would I have done?
Umm, y’all remember what I said about self preservation, huh? Lmao!
But seriously, what the fuck is wrong wit’ some folks, huh?
I mean, these schmucks should be more concerned wit their own hustle and gettin’ mullah to put food on their fuckin’ tables instead of goin’ around policin’ these fine ass women and what they wear.
The funny part of this whole shebang is, 98% of the fools strippin’ ladies naked in the street pro’ly go home every day and jerk off to the mental image of these women; mutherfuckers know their chance of hittin’ any of those bomb ass pussies is the same as findin’ snow in hell!
Final WordI feel ladies can wear whatever they want but they gotta mind where they go when they dress that ass wit certain things
Wednesday
10:46Umm, I have a confession to make and nah; I don’t need a clergy to spill my gut to on this.
Here’s the thing, I wasn’t anywhere near Malawi on Tuesday. All that story about me and a sexy lady friend, I made the entire thing up but for the ladies who walked down the main business centre of Lilongwe Tuesday mornin’ with their sexy asses wrapped their favorite miniskirts or trousers, I guarantee you that the whole episode was real for the unfortunate ones that got caught in the madness.
NAKED TRUTH ABOUT MALAWI
Tuesday
17 Tuesday
Malawi
It was my second time in that neck of the wood and I felt the urge to impress that special Dobs’ style and grace ‘pon the city.
Style and grace, hmm, I like how that sound. It sounds classy, huh? But you know, for a second there I was tempted to use that abominably overused word, swag but nah; I’d rather jump in a well than use it, ugh! *spits*
On my first visit country, I knew I didn’t do the ladies any justice. Why? Well, they didn’t get a gook (good look, jus incase your ass is wonderin’ what the word means) at the boy, plus I didn’t get the chance to roam the hot spots, so this time I told my lady friend I wanted to check out the scene
Lilongwe
09:10We drove into the glorious Tuesday mornin’ me and my friend, she was lookin’ hella good in a hot number; a gray micro miniskirt and a plungin’ neckline top that gave every rovin’ eyes a generous look into the two juicy molds on her chest. I swear the way the chick was dressed, the sex life of an eighty year old great grandfather could be resurrected!
And what was I dressed in?
I was in a straight legged faded blue Levi jean and an ash colored small size T (it had the image of cassette boldly emblazoned on it) and my ass was feelin’ like a million dollars. Huh, did somebody say Zimbabwe dollars?
Hell no!
Apologies to my Zimbabwean friends but there was no way a brotha that fly can feel anythin’ less than the real McCoy. I felt like a million USD!
Centre Business District
Bwalolanjovu
09:30Soon as we got to the CBD, I got out the whip while shawtie drove round lookin’ for a convenient spot. I needed to make a call so I walked outside the parkin’ area, hollered at a recharge card vendor getting’ his hustle on from a yellow kiosk not far from the gate. As I was tryna load the credit, we heard a commotion from somewhere behind us, I turned around to see what the heck was goin’ on. A few meters down the road, folks were runnin’ all over the place.
*clears throat* where am from, we don’t stand around when shit pop off like that, first we run and find out why folks were runnin’ later (this act has got nada to wit being a coward, it’s called self prservation) and that was exactly what I did, I headed stright in the direction of my friend’s car (thankfully, she hadn’t parked yet), I got in the car and wound the window up tight.
"What’s goin’ on?" she asked
"I don’t know. I saw folks runnin’ so I skipped too. That’s the wise to do, trust me’’
She looked at me wit a look that seemed to says, "Dude, I can’t believe you jus did that!"
I was like, "wipe that silly look off your face, you know am new in this town and even if I wasn’t, am not goin’ to stand around and get my ass caught up in shit"
Outside the car, we could see people runnin’ into shops, pro’ly tryna take refuge from whatever was causin’ the commotion out there.
What Went Down Street traders (vendor as they call ‘em in out there) and some other dumb ass folks in Lilongwe had gone on rampage stripping them sexy ladies naked cause they were wearin’ miniskirts and things. These fools even claimed that the president of the country had their back.
Ridiculosity!
"About five women were stripped naked at Bwalolanjovu, forcing all other women in trousers and miniskirts to either purchase chitenje (wrapper) or seek refuge in shops. As of Tuesday afternoon, there was no woman in trouser or mini skirt in Lilongwe. Women that were seen moving around the city were either in long skirts or chitenje (wrappers)"
What! Imagine what woulda happened to my companion if we had walked into that mob, jus imagine!
And what if we did, what would I have done?
Umm, y’all remember what I said about self preservation, huh? Lmao!
But seriously, what the fuck is wrong wit’ some folks, huh?
I mean, these schmucks should be more concerned wit their own hustle and gettin’ mullah to put food on their fuckin’ tables instead of goin’ around policin’ these fine ass women and what they wear.
The funny part of this whole shebang is, 98% of the fools strippin’ ladies naked in the street pro’ly go home every day and jerk off to the mental image of these women; mutherfuckers know their chance of hittin’ any of those bomb ass pussies is the same as findin’ snow in hell!
Final WordI feel ladies can wear whatever they want but they gotta mind where they go when they dress that ass wit certain things
Wednesday
10:46Umm, I have a confession to make and nah; I don’t need a clergy to spill my gut to on this.
Here’s the thing, I wasn’t anywhere near Malawi on Tuesday. All that story about me and a sexy lady friend, I made the entire thing up but for the ladies who walked down the main business centre of Lilongwe Tuesday mornin’ with their sexy asses wrapped their favorite miniskirts or trousers, I guarantee you that the whole episode was real for the unfortunate ones that got caught in the madness.
17 Tuesday
Malawi
It was my second time in that neck of the wood and I felt the urge to impress that special Dobs’ style and grace ‘pon the city.
Style and grace, hmm, I like how that sound. It sounds classy, huh? But you know, for a second there I was tempted to use that abominably overused word, swag but nah; I’d rather jump in a well than use it, ugh! *spits*
On my first visit country, I knew I didn’t do the ladies any justice. Why? Well, they didn’t get a gook (good look, jus incase your ass is wonderin’ what the word means) at the boy, plus I didn’t get the chance to roam the hot spots, so this time I told my lady friend I wanted to check out the scene
Lilongwe
09:10We drove into the glorious Tuesday mornin’ me and my friend, she was lookin’ hella good in a hot number; a gray micro miniskirt and a plungin’ neckline top that gave every rovin’ eyes a generous look into the two juicy molds on her chest. I swear the way the chick was dressed, the sex life of an eighty year old great grandfather could be resurrected!
And what was I dressed in?
I was in a straight legged faded blue Levi jean and an ash colored small size T (it had the image of cassette boldly emblazoned on it) and my ass was feelin’ like a million dollars. Huh, did somebody say Zimbabwe dollars?
Hell no!
Apologies to my Zimbabwean friends but there was no way a brotha that fly can feel anythin’ less than the real McCoy. I felt like a million USD!
Centre Business District
Bwalolanjovu
09:30Soon as we got to the CBD, I got out the whip while shawtie drove round lookin’ for a convenient spot. I needed to make a call so I walked outside the parkin’ area, hollered at a recharge card vendor getting’ his hustle on from a yellow kiosk not far from the gate. As I was tryna load the credit, we heard a commotion from somewhere behind us, I turned around to see what the heck was goin’ on. A few meters down the road, folks were runnin’ all over the place.
*clears throat* where am from, we don’t stand around when shit pop off like that, first we run and find out why folks were runnin’ later (this act has got nada to wit being a coward, it’s called self prservation) and that was exactly what I did, I headed stright in the direction of my friend’s car (thankfully, she hadn’t parked yet), I got in the car and wound the window up tight.
"What’s goin’ on?" she asked
"I don’t know. I saw folks runnin’ so I skipped too. That’s the wise to do, trust me’’
She looked at me wit a look that seemed to says, "Dude, I can’t believe you jus did that!"
I was like, "wipe that silly look off your face, you know am new in this town and even if I wasn’t, am not goin’ to stand around and get my ass caught up in shit"
Outside the car, we could see people runnin’ into shops, pro’ly tryna take refuge from whatever was causin’ the commotion out there.
What Went Down Street traders (vendor as they call ‘em in out there) and some other dumb ass folks in Lilongwe had gone on rampage stripping them sexy ladies naked cause they were wearin’ miniskirts and things. These fools even claimed that the president of the country had their back.
Ridiculosity!
"About five women were stripped naked at Bwalolanjovu, forcing all other women in trousers and miniskirts to either purchase chitenje (wrapper) or seek refuge in shops. As of Tuesday afternoon, there was no woman in trouser or mini skirt in Lilongwe. Women that were seen moving around the city were either in long skirts or chitenje (wrappers)"
What! Imagine what woulda happened to my companion if we had walked into that mob, jus imagine!
And what if we did, what would I have done?
Umm, y’all remember what I said about self preservation, huh? Lmao!
But seriously, what the fuck is wrong wit’ some folks, huh?
I mean, these schmucks should be more concerned wit their own hustle and gettin’ mullah to put food on their fuckin’ tables instead of goin’ around policin’ these fine ass women and what they wear.
The funny part of this whole shebang is, 98% of the fools strippin’ ladies naked in the street pro’ly go home every day and jerk off to the mental image of these women; mutherfuckers know their chance of hittin’ any of those bomb ass pussies is the same as findin’ snow in hell!
Final WordI feel ladies can wear whatever they want but they gotta mind where they go when they dress that ass wit certain things
Wednesday
10:46Umm, I have a confession to make and nah; I don’t need a clergy to spill my gut to on this.
Here’s the thing, I wasn’t anywhere near Malawi on Tuesday. All that story about me and a sexy lady friend, I made the entire thing up but for the ladies who walked down the main business centre of Lilongwe Tuesday mornin’ with their sexy asses wrapped their favorite miniskirts or trousers, I guarantee you that the whole episode was real for the unfortunate ones that got caught in the madness.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
THE ZOOLOGIST
Simple Times
Goin’ down memory lane to my days back in secondary school, I remember how me and my boys on our way back from school would make stops at mango trees jus to get a competition goin’ out of usin’ stones (and unripe mangoes)to pluck them ripe ones from way on high.
*clears throat*Can I tell ya’ll somethin’ about mango-stoning, can I? Good!
That shit is an art form! It isn’t somethin’ everybody can pull off, your ass gon’ need years of practice to get some level of perfection goin’ and guess what? You can never reach perfection, though some of us were more perfect than others. Folks who thought they could do it usually end up wit’ sore shoulders and no ripe mangoes for their delusion! Lol
I remember times when we’d get up on them cashew trees (we had many of those in my home town), eat and then roast them nuts till we got ourselves really crispy fresh nuts that none of these internationally known supermarkets can’t put a light to. Yup, we were good like that!
The Unforgettable Biology Teacher
I remember some of our teachers from back then, I remember the agric. teacher, an affable bald-headed old codger named Mr. Alabi. I remember our fine art teacher, a talented nigga by the name of Mr. Kazeem. I remember a couple of others but one name I couldn’t recollect, no matter how hard I try, was our biology teacher. Jus like our agric teacher, the biology man was a good-humored old nigga who knew how to make every of his class memorable
I can still see how the old biology teacher’s face would light up when he taught us about Robert Hooke and Cell theory, Louis Pasteur and pasteurization, reproduction and them other stuffs and boy, did we love reproduction!
I remember him tellin’ us bout the branches of biology…microbiology, toxicology, soil biology, cell biology, genetics, marine biology and blah blah.
Hold up! I think I left one important piece from that list *taps temple wit fore-finger several times* damn, if my biology teacher was here right now, he won’t be proud of me at all. Yessss, I remember now, Zoo-fucking-logy it is!
Zoology
Zoology is the ancient Greek word for animal knowledge. That shit deals wit the animal kingdom (both livin’ and extinct).
Anyways, that’s the short of it right there guys, don’t wanna burden your asses wit my “geniusness” by delvin’ into the full version cause y’all might not be able to handle me once I put my professorial skate on.lol
Somebody is pro’ly thinkin’, “Why is he zoning in on zoology?
Um, I really don’t give two fucks about zoos or zoology and I’ve actually never met a zoologist in my life except you wanna count the ones I’ve see on animal planet, do they count?
Nah, they don’t?
Ah ha, I thought so.
“Then why are you thinkin’ bout all these zoology stuffs?’’ you ask
Thing is, recent events in Africa’s most populous nation should be held responsible for me bein’ on this train of thought.
Come to think of it, I think I know a zoologist though am not sure if he’s ever stepped a foot in a zoo in his life.
January 1st
Sunday
The Zoologist Gives a Gift
I got my suspicion confirmed on January the first that the zoologist had never practiced before what he supposedly studied at the university, oh yes I did.
And how did I get that?
Well, the zoologist hit the animals in his care wit a New Year present, a gift so important, it had everybody buzzing and nope, the buzz doesn’t have a nice ring to it. Now I even have doubts if this nigga really earned his degree in zoology the old fashioned way.
Why?
I mean, if he did, he woulda known that you don’t treat caged animals’ jus anyhow. If this Good-not fella had earned his stripes as a zoologist, he woulda known that you don’t abruptly introduce beasts to adverse change, you gotta condition their ass first.
Same Old Script
The president of Nigeria is a zoologist (as if y’all didn’t know) and he musta thought he was reigning over a big ass zoo when he doubled the price of gettin’ overnight by doublin’ the pump price of gas in the name of subsidy without a well-articulated plan and palliative measures to cushion the hard knock effect a move like that would have on them ordinary Joes. Men, who does that, huh?
This clueless zoologist got billions of dollars allocated to the presidency for unnecessary domestic and foreign travels. Check it, the Obamas and the Sarkozys of this world travel in stylish necessity but nah, not the zoologist, he continued that stupid tradition of goin’ around in opulent uselessness as laid down by his predecessors
Check it; the Nigerian government gets aids from the US, the UK and other foreign governments, right?
But can somebody tell me how in fucks’ name the Nigerian president and all those other guys in the parliament earn more than those from whom the government get aids from, how come?
Somethin’ tells me that this zoology nigga been entertainin’ stupid fantasies in his idle time (and I have a feelin’ he got a lot of those idle times).
He musta thought Nigeria was one huge zoo wit’ a bunch of docile mutherfuckers where you can jus wake up one fine mornin’, dust up that old script called subsidy removal, strike up that worn out tune about how the government can’t support it anymore (somethin’ we all know wasn’t even there in the first place) and how it’ll benefit the people in the long run and expect folks to buy into that bullshit…again.
Isn’t it foolish how a big cahuna like Nigeria when it comes to oil production doesn’t have proper refineries, huh? It is bewildering how successive governments have thought it better to be exportin’ crude, only to import that shit right back as refined oil. Isn’t stupid how Nigerians pay more for petrol than folks in countries where they don’t have a drop of that black gold?
Somebody Get Hugo on the Horn
Did I mention that the zoologist eats like a glutton?
What! Did I say ‘eats like a glutton? I take that back please, what I meant to say was, that this once shoe-less nigga is a glutton!
What, I should apologize for insultin’ Mr. preisdent?
No way! I said it and I stand strong on it, that nigga is a glutton! If he wasn’t,then tell me why his food money, salary and other allowances is three times more than that of Obama?
Somebody need to tell the Zoologist to hit Hugo Chavez up on the phone, so ma Hugo nigga can hook that ass up on what he did to get the Chilean economy up and cruisin’. Hugo knows that to introduce any tough economic policy you gotta tackle corruption first; he cut in half his own salary and those of other political officer holders…
Now that’s how responsible governments behave instead goin around slappin’ the average Joe in the face with half stupid economic policies.
Goin’ down memory lane to my days back in secondary school, I remember how me and my boys on our way back from school would make stops at mango trees jus to get a competition goin’ out of usin’ stones (and unripe mangoes)to pluck them ripe ones from way on high.
*clears throat*Can I tell ya’ll somethin’ about mango-stoning, can I? Good!
That shit is an art form! It isn’t somethin’ everybody can pull off, your ass gon’ need years of practice to get some level of perfection goin’ and guess what? You can never reach perfection, though some of us were more perfect than others. Folks who thought they could do it usually end up wit’ sore shoulders and no ripe mangoes for their delusion! Lol
I remember times when we’d get up on them cashew trees (we had many of those in my home town), eat and then roast them nuts till we got ourselves really crispy fresh nuts that none of these internationally known supermarkets can’t put a light to. Yup, we were good like that!
The Unforgettable Biology Teacher
I remember some of our teachers from back then, I remember the agric. teacher, an affable bald-headed old codger named Mr. Alabi. I remember our fine art teacher, a talented nigga by the name of Mr. Kazeem. I remember a couple of others but one name I couldn’t recollect, no matter how hard I try, was our biology teacher. Jus like our agric teacher, the biology man was a good-humored old nigga who knew how to make every of his class memorable
I can still see how the old biology teacher’s face would light up when he taught us about Robert Hooke and Cell theory, Louis Pasteur and pasteurization, reproduction and them other stuffs and boy, did we love reproduction!
I remember him tellin’ us bout the branches of biology…microbiology, toxicology, soil biology, cell biology, genetics, marine biology and blah blah.
Hold up! I think I left one important piece from that list *taps temple wit fore-finger several times* damn, if my biology teacher was here right now, he won’t be proud of me at all. Yessss, I remember now, Zoo-fucking-logy it is!
Zoology
Zoology is the ancient Greek word for animal knowledge. That shit deals wit the animal kingdom (both livin’ and extinct).
Anyways, that’s the short of it right there guys, don’t wanna burden your asses wit my “geniusness” by delvin’ into the full version cause y’all might not be able to handle me once I put my professorial skate on.lol
Somebody is pro’ly thinkin’, “Why is he zoning in on zoology?
Um, I really don’t give two fucks about zoos or zoology and I’ve actually never met a zoologist in my life except you wanna count the ones I’ve see on animal planet, do they count?
Nah, they don’t?
Ah ha, I thought so.
“Then why are you thinkin’ bout all these zoology stuffs?’’ you ask
Thing is, recent events in Africa’s most populous nation should be held responsible for me bein’ on this train of thought.
Come to think of it, I think I know a zoologist though am not sure if he’s ever stepped a foot in a zoo in his life.
January 1st
Sunday
The Zoologist Gives a Gift
I got my suspicion confirmed on January the first that the zoologist had never practiced before what he supposedly studied at the university, oh yes I did.
And how did I get that?
Well, the zoologist hit the animals in his care wit a New Year present, a gift so important, it had everybody buzzing and nope, the buzz doesn’t have a nice ring to it. Now I even have doubts if this nigga really earned his degree in zoology the old fashioned way.
Why?
I mean, if he did, he woulda known that you don’t treat caged animals’ jus anyhow. If this Good-not fella had earned his stripes as a zoologist, he woulda known that you don’t abruptly introduce beasts to adverse change, you gotta condition their ass first.
Same Old Script
The president of Nigeria is a zoologist (as if y’all didn’t know) and he musta thought he was reigning over a big ass zoo when he doubled the price of gettin’ overnight by doublin’ the pump price of gas in the name of subsidy without a well-articulated plan and palliative measures to cushion the hard knock effect a move like that would have on them ordinary Joes. Men, who does that, huh?
This clueless zoologist got billions of dollars allocated to the presidency for unnecessary domestic and foreign travels. Check it, the Obamas and the Sarkozys of this world travel in stylish necessity but nah, not the zoologist, he continued that stupid tradition of goin’ around in opulent uselessness as laid down by his predecessors
Check it; the Nigerian government gets aids from the US, the UK and other foreign governments, right?
But can somebody tell me how in fucks’ name the Nigerian president and all those other guys in the parliament earn more than those from whom the government get aids from, how come?
Somethin’ tells me that this zoology nigga been entertainin’ stupid fantasies in his idle time (and I have a feelin’ he got a lot of those idle times).
He musta thought Nigeria was one huge zoo wit’ a bunch of docile mutherfuckers where you can jus wake up one fine mornin’, dust up that old script called subsidy removal, strike up that worn out tune about how the government can’t support it anymore (somethin’ we all know wasn’t even there in the first place) and how it’ll benefit the people in the long run and expect folks to buy into that bullshit…again.
Isn’t it foolish how a big cahuna like Nigeria when it comes to oil production doesn’t have proper refineries, huh? It is bewildering how successive governments have thought it better to be exportin’ crude, only to import that shit right back as refined oil. Isn’t stupid how Nigerians pay more for petrol than folks in countries where they don’t have a drop of that black gold?
Somebody Get Hugo on the Horn
Did I mention that the zoologist eats like a glutton?
What! Did I say ‘eats like a glutton? I take that back please, what I meant to say was, that this once shoe-less nigga is a glutton!
What, I should apologize for insultin’ Mr. preisdent?
No way! I said it and I stand strong on it, that nigga is a glutton! If he wasn’t,then tell me why his food money, salary and other allowances is three times more than that of Obama?
Somebody need to tell the Zoologist to hit Hugo Chavez up on the phone, so ma Hugo nigga can hook that ass up on what he did to get the Chilean economy up and cruisin’. Hugo knows that to introduce any tough economic policy you gotta tackle corruption first; he cut in half his own salary and those of other political officer holders…
Now that’s how responsible governments behave instead goin around slappin’ the average Joe in the face with half stupid economic policies.
THE ZOOLOGIST
Simple Times
Goin’ down memory lane to my days back in secondary school, I remember how me and my boys on our way back from school would make stops at mango trees jus to get a competition goin’ out of usin’ stones (and unripe mangoes)to pluck them ripe ones from way on high.
*clears throat*Can I tell ya’ll somethin’ about mango-stoning, can I? Good!
That shit is an art form! It isn’t somethin’ everybody can pull off, your ass gon’ need years of practice to get some level of perfection goin’ and guess what? You can never reach perfection, though some of us were more perfect than others. Folks who thought they could do it usually end up wit’ sore shoulders and no ripe mangoes for their delusion! Lol
I remember times when we’d get up on them cashew trees (we had many of those in my home town), eat and then roast them nuts till we got ourselves really crispy fresh nuts that none of these internationally known supermarkets can’t put a light to. Yup, we were good like that!
The Unforgettable Biology Teacher
I remember some of our teachers from back then, I remember the agric. teacher, an affable bald-headed old codger named Mr. Alabi. I remember our fine art teacher, a talented nigga by the name of Mr. Kazeem. I remember a couple of others but one name I couldn’t recollect, no matter how hard I try, was our biology teacher. Jus like our agric teacher, the biology man was a good-humored old nigga who knew how to make every of his class memorable
I can still see how the old biology teacher’s face would light up when he taught us about Robert Hooke and Cell theory, Louis Pasteur and pasteurization, reproduction and them other stuffs and boy, did we love reproduction!
I remember him tellin’ us bout the branches of biology…microbiology, toxicology, soil biology, cell biology, genetics, marine biology and blah blah.
Hold up! I think I left one important piece from that list *taps temple wit fore-finger several times* damn, if my biology teacher was here right now, he won’t be proud of me at all. Yessss, I remember now, Zoo-fucking-logy it is!
Zoology
Zoology is the ancient Greek word for animal knowledge. That shit deals wit the animal kingdom (both livin’ and extinct).
Anyways, that’s the short of it right there guys, don’t wanna burden your asses wit my “geniusness” by delvin’ into the full version cause y’all might not be able to handle me once I put my professorial skate on.lol
Somebody is pro’ly thinkin’, “Why is he zoning in on zoology?
Um, I really don’t give two fucks about zoos or zoology and I’ve actually never met a zoologist in my life except you wanna count the ones I’ve see on animal planet, do they count?
Nah, they don’t?
Ah ha, I thought so.
“Then why are you thinkin’ bout all these zoology stuffs?’’ you ask
Thing is, recent events in Africa’s most populous nation should be held responsible for me bein’ on this train of thought.
Come to think of it, I think I know a zoologist though am not sure if he’s ever stepped a foot in a zoo in his life.
January 1st
Sunday
The Zoologist Gives a Gift
I got my suspicion confirmed on January the first that the zoologist had never practiced before what he supposedly studied at the university, oh yes I did.
And how did I get that?
Well, the zoologist hit the animals in his care wit a New Year present, a gift so important, it had everybody buzzing and nope, the buzz doesn’t have a nice ring to it. Now I even have doubts if this nigga really earned his degree in zoology the old fashioned way.
Why?
I mean, if he did, he woulda known that you don’t treat caged animals’ jus anyhow. If this Good-not fella had earned his stripes as a zoologist, he woulda known that you don’t abruptly introduce beasts to adverse change, you gotta condition their ass first.
Same Old Script
The president of Nigeria is a zoologist (as if y’all didn’t know) and he musta thought he was reigning over a big ass zoo when he doubled the price of gettin’ overnight by doublin’ the pump price of gas in the name of subsidy without a well-articulated plan and palliative measures to cushion the hard knock effect a move like that would have on them ordinary Joes. Men, who does that, huh?
This clueless zoologist got billions of dollars allocated to the presidency for unnecessary domestic and foreign travels. Check it, the Obamas and the Sarkozys of this world travel in stylish necessity but nah, not the zoologist, he continued that stupid tradition of goin’ around in opulent uselessness as laid down by his predecessors
Check it; the Nigerian government gets aids from the US, the UK and other foreign governments, right?
But can somebody tell me how in fucks’ name the Nigerian president and all those other guys in the parliament earn more than those from whom the government get aids from, how come?
Somethin’ tells me that this zoology nigga been entertainin’ stupid fantasies in his idle time (and I have a feelin’ he got a lot of those idle times).
He musta thought Nigeria was one huge zoo wit’ a bunch of docile mutherfuckers where you can jus wake up one fine mornin’, dust up that old script called subsidy removal, strike up that worn out tune about how the government can’t support it anymore (somethin’ we all know wasn’t even there in the first place) and how it’ll benefit the people in the long run and expect folks to buy into that bullshit…again.
Isn’t it foolish how a big cahuna like Nigeria when it comes to oil production doesn’t have proper refineries, huh? It is bewildering how successive governments have thought it better to be exportin’ crude, only to import that shit right back as refined oil. Isn’t stupid how Nigerians pay more for petrol than folks in countries where they don’t have a drop of that black gold?
Somebody Get Hugo on the Horn
Did I mention that the zoologist eats like a glutton?
What! Did I say ‘eats like a glutton? I take that back please, what I meant to say was, that this once shoe-less nigga is a glutton!
What, I should apologize for insultin’ Mr. preisdent?
No way! I said it and I stand strong on it, that nigga is a glutton! If he wasn’t,then tell me why his food money, salary and other allowances is three times more than that of Obama?
Somebody need to tell the Zoologist to hit Hugo Chavez up on the phone, so ma Hugo nigga can hook that ass up on what he did to get the Chilean economy up and cruisin’. Hugo knows that to introduce any tough economic policy you gotta tackle corruption first; he cut in half his own salary and those of other political officer holders…
Now that’s how responsible governments behave instead goin around slappin’ the average Joe in the face with half stupid economic policies.
Goin’ down memory lane to my days back in secondary school, I remember how me and my boys on our way back from school would make stops at mango trees jus to get a competition goin’ out of usin’ stones (and unripe mangoes)to pluck them ripe ones from way on high.
*clears throat*Can I tell ya’ll somethin’ about mango-stoning, can I? Good!
That shit is an art form! It isn’t somethin’ everybody can pull off, your ass gon’ need years of practice to get some level of perfection goin’ and guess what? You can never reach perfection, though some of us were more perfect than others. Folks who thought they could do it usually end up wit’ sore shoulders and no ripe mangoes for their delusion! Lol
I remember times when we’d get up on them cashew trees (we had many of those in my home town), eat and then roast them nuts till we got ourselves really crispy fresh nuts that none of these internationally known supermarkets can’t put a light to. Yup, we were good like that!
The Unforgettable Biology Teacher
I remember some of our teachers from back then, I remember the agric. teacher, an affable bald-headed old codger named Mr. Alabi. I remember our fine art teacher, a talented nigga by the name of Mr. Kazeem. I remember a couple of others but one name I couldn’t recollect, no matter how hard I try, was our biology teacher. Jus like our agric teacher, the biology man was a good-humored old nigga who knew how to make every of his class memorable
I can still see how the old biology teacher’s face would light up when he taught us about Robert Hooke and Cell theory, Louis Pasteur and pasteurization, reproduction and them other stuffs and boy, did we love reproduction!
I remember him tellin’ us bout the branches of biology…microbiology, toxicology, soil biology, cell biology, genetics, marine biology and blah blah.
Hold up! I think I left one important piece from that list *taps temple wit fore-finger several times* damn, if my biology teacher was here right now, he won’t be proud of me at all. Yessss, I remember now, Zoo-fucking-logy it is!
Zoology
Zoology is the ancient Greek word for animal knowledge. That shit deals wit the animal kingdom (both livin’ and extinct).
Anyways, that’s the short of it right there guys, don’t wanna burden your asses wit my “geniusness” by delvin’ into the full version cause y’all might not be able to handle me once I put my professorial skate on.lol
Somebody is pro’ly thinkin’, “Why is he zoning in on zoology?
Um, I really don’t give two fucks about zoos or zoology and I’ve actually never met a zoologist in my life except you wanna count the ones I’ve see on animal planet, do they count?
Nah, they don’t?
Ah ha, I thought so.
“Then why are you thinkin’ bout all these zoology stuffs?’’ you ask
Thing is, recent events in Africa’s most populous nation should be held responsible for me bein’ on this train of thought.
Come to think of it, I think I know a zoologist though am not sure if he’s ever stepped a foot in a zoo in his life.
January 1st
Sunday
The Zoologist Gives a Gift
I got my suspicion confirmed on January the first that the zoologist had never practiced before what he supposedly studied at the university, oh yes I did.
And how did I get that?
Well, the zoologist hit the animals in his care wit a New Year present, a gift so important, it had everybody buzzing and nope, the buzz doesn’t have a nice ring to it. Now I even have doubts if this nigga really earned his degree in zoology the old fashioned way.
Why?
I mean, if he did, he woulda known that you don’t treat caged animals’ jus anyhow. If this Good-not fella had earned his stripes as a zoologist, he woulda known that you don’t abruptly introduce beasts to adverse change, you gotta condition their ass first.
Same Old Script
The president of Nigeria is a zoologist (as if y’all didn’t know) and he musta thought he was reigning over a big ass zoo when he doubled the price of gettin’ overnight by doublin’ the pump price of gas in the name of subsidy without a well-articulated plan and palliative measures to cushion the hard knock effect a move like that would have on them ordinary Joes. Men, who does that, huh?
This clueless zoologist got billions of dollars allocated to the presidency for unnecessary domestic and foreign travels. Check it, the Obamas and the Sarkozys of this world travel in stylish necessity but nah, not the zoologist, he continued that stupid tradition of goin’ around in opulent uselessness as laid down by his predecessors
Check it; the Nigerian government gets aids from the US, the UK and other foreign governments, right?
But can somebody tell me how in fucks’ name the Nigerian president and all those other guys in the parliament earn more than those from whom the government get aids from, how come?
Somethin’ tells me that this zoology nigga been entertainin’ stupid fantasies in his idle time (and I have a feelin’ he got a lot of those idle times).
He musta thought Nigeria was one huge zoo wit’ a bunch of docile mutherfuckers where you can jus wake up one fine mornin’, dust up that old script called subsidy removal, strike up that worn out tune about how the government can’t support it anymore (somethin’ we all know wasn’t even there in the first place) and how it’ll benefit the people in the long run and expect folks to buy into that bullshit…again.
Isn’t it foolish how a big cahuna like Nigeria when it comes to oil production doesn’t have proper refineries, huh? It is bewildering how successive governments have thought it better to be exportin’ crude, only to import that shit right back as refined oil. Isn’t stupid how Nigerians pay more for petrol than folks in countries where they don’t have a drop of that black gold?
Somebody Get Hugo on the Horn
Did I mention that the zoologist eats like a glutton?
What! Did I say ‘eats like a glutton? I take that back please, what I meant to say was, that this once shoe-less nigga is a glutton!
What, I should apologize for insultin’ Mr. preisdent?
No way! I said it and I stand strong on it, that nigga is a glutton! If he wasn’t,then tell me why his food money, salary and other allowances is three times more than that of Obama?
Somebody need to tell the Zoologist to hit Hugo Chavez up on the phone, so ma Hugo nigga can hook that ass up on what he did to get the Chilean economy up and cruisin’. Hugo knows that to introduce any tough economic policy you gotta tackle corruption first; he cut in half his own salary and those of other political officer holders…
Now that’s how responsible governments behave instead goin around slappin’ the average Joe in the face with half stupid economic policies.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
FUTURE SEEN THROUGH A RAY BAN
10 January
Tuesday
10:00
Happenstance
Am sure a lot of you have heard the word before or at least, read it somewhere in some books but for those who haven’t, allow me to take your truant asses to the classroom for a minute.lol
Accident, coincidence, chance, fluke, twist of fate…all these words are synonyms for happenstance. Oh, you didn’t know? Well, now you know and it’s all thanks to that world renowned professor of English himself.
Who? You ask
Me, of course and you better act like you know!
Y’all should be thankin’ me, I jus saved your ass a coupla bucks and time by improvin’ your vocabulary.
Nah am jus’ playin’ wit’ y’all, I know you guys are intelligent folks like that *strokin’ your egos*
09 January
Monday
12:57
La da da da
Hey hey goodbye
Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No ID on the track, let the story begin
This is anti auto-tune, death of ringtones
This isn’t for the iTunes, this ain’t for sing-along
This is Sinatra at the opera, bring a blonde
Preferably wit’ a fat ass who can sing along…
That was the song that started playin’ in my brain as soon as the three chicks stood beside the chair I was coolin’ in. it was as if an invisible DJ had been waitin’ all his life for that moment to happen jus for him to slide that record on and guess what? The song wouldn’t play beyond the part where Jay Z said, “…bring a blonde
Preferably wit’ a fat ass who can sing along” the song kept repeatin’ that same phrase over and over again like a broken record.
One of them chicks was a petit mulatto who wouldn’t stop talkin’, PYT (a pretty young thang) though. The other two were half past chubby. Truth is, one of the chubbies, was borderin’ on the plus-size but being a gentleman (though not always politically correct), I didn’t wanna call her fat…well she was fat (you guys forced my hand).
Is somebody askin’ bout the third chick and why Jay Z was stuck on” bring a blonde preferably wit’ a fat ass who can sing along”?
Well, I’m gon’ put the blame squarely on the ass of the third chick, Jay musta seen what me and many men saw. Shawtie had every eyes (with every eyes, I meant all the men, old and young) at the bus station glued to what her mama gave her. The chick couldn’t have been more than twenty and she had what I’d safely say is the fattest ass I’d ever seen in a red knee length skirt on someone so young! Two grown ass men could sit comfortably on that ass; she had all these uncouth men forgettin’ to pick their jaws from the freakin’ floor!
Monday
09 January
13:48
As soon as the sun shade seller noticed I’d given his wares more than a brief look, he walked up to me with a cigarette smile on his weathered face, makin’ that psst psst sound they all make to attract attention to their goods, nigga musta smelled a sale. I quickly looked back to my laptop and feigned concentration, I made pretend like some serious writer who was tryna finish an important sentence in an epic novel that would soon find its way to the top of the New York Bestsellers’ list.
Without raisin’ my head from the opened computer opened computer, I stole a look to see if the nigga bought my lil pretense and left me alone but no way, his half past dead Nike shoes were starin’ at my eyes like, “yeah, we here and we ain’t leavin’ till you buy som’ from our master”
Since the guy wasn’t budgin’, I thought I might as well check out what the nigga got. As soon as I raised my head to look at the array of shades he got on display, Death of Auto-tune (the same song that was playin’ in my earlier) started playin’ again but this time, it wasn’t jus’ the audio, I could see the video!
Happenstance? Why was Jay’s Music playin’ in my head…again? Are the Illuminatis tryna tell me somethin’? Lmao!
Y’all hold it right there, I know what y’all thinkin’ right now, yep I do. You’re pro’ly thinkin’, “Dobs is finally goin’ off his rockers. Nigga is losin’ his marbles”
Nah, am not losin’ my mind, I got my shit together. I got a good reason for hearin’ and seein’ Jay Z’s DOA in my head.
What’s my reason?
Nah, my reason’s got none to do Blue Ivy Carter.
The reason is found in this two words: Ray Ban!
If y’all remember the video well, Jay Z had a lil fro goin’ (before it was shaved off in the same video) and he was rockin’ a dark Ray Ban, right? I’ve always thought the look was a good one and I could pull it off, especially now that am rockin’ a medium sized fro’.
So, starrin’ at what the shade peddler got, I saw the same kinda shade and I was like well well well, am gon get me one of these babies. And yeah, I knew they were replicas (pro’ly made somewhere in rural China) but who the hell gives a fuck as long as it looks good on a brotha. Besides, y’all wouldn’t know the difference cause a lot of you will only see me rockin’ it in pictures.
“So, did I get my hands on one of those Ray Bans?”
Nope, I changed my mind after I discovered somethin’ on the shades.
The shades weren’t Ray Bans at all, they were Ray Dons!
I told the nigga, “nah, some other time cause I didn’t plan on gettin’ a shade today“
It’s one thing to buy a replica article; it’s another to buy a replica wit some stupid name on it! No way am goin’ to be caught dead in a Ray Don.
Tuesday
10:00
Happenstance
Am sure a lot of you have heard the word before or at least, read it somewhere in some books but for those who haven’t, allow me to take your truant asses to the classroom for a minute.lol
Accident, coincidence, chance, fluke, twist of fate…all these words are synonyms for happenstance. Oh, you didn’t know? Well, now you know and it’s all thanks to that world renowned professor of English himself.
Who? You ask
Me, of course and you better act like you know!
Y’all should be thankin’ me, I jus saved your ass a coupla bucks and time by improvin’ your vocabulary.
Nah am jus’ playin’ wit’ y’all, I know you guys are intelligent folks like that *strokin’ your egos*
09 January
Monday
12:57
La da da da
Hey hey goodbye
Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No ID on the track, let the story begin
This is anti auto-tune, death of ringtones
This isn’t for the iTunes, this ain’t for sing-along
This is Sinatra at the opera, bring a blonde
Preferably wit’ a fat ass who can sing along…
That was the song that started playin’ in my brain as soon as the three chicks stood beside the chair I was coolin’ in. it was as if an invisible DJ had been waitin’ all his life for that moment to happen jus for him to slide that record on and guess what? The song wouldn’t play beyond the part where Jay Z said, “…bring a blonde
Preferably wit’ a fat ass who can sing along” the song kept repeatin’ that same phrase over and over again like a broken record.
One of them chicks was a petit mulatto who wouldn’t stop talkin’, PYT (a pretty young thang) though. The other two were half past chubby. Truth is, one of the chubbies, was borderin’ on the plus-size but being a gentleman (though not always politically correct), I didn’t wanna call her fat…well she was fat (you guys forced my hand).
Is somebody askin’ bout the third chick and why Jay Z was stuck on” bring a blonde preferably wit’ a fat ass who can sing along”?
Well, I’m gon’ put the blame squarely on the ass of the third chick, Jay musta seen what me and many men saw. Shawtie had every eyes (with every eyes, I meant all the men, old and young) at the bus station glued to what her mama gave her. The chick couldn’t have been more than twenty and she had what I’d safely say is the fattest ass I’d ever seen in a red knee length skirt on someone so young! Two grown ass men could sit comfortably on that ass; she had all these uncouth men forgettin’ to pick their jaws from the freakin’ floor!
Monday
09 January
13:48
As soon as the sun shade seller noticed I’d given his wares more than a brief look, he walked up to me with a cigarette smile on his weathered face, makin’ that psst psst sound they all make to attract attention to their goods, nigga musta smelled a sale. I quickly looked back to my laptop and feigned concentration, I made pretend like some serious writer who was tryna finish an important sentence in an epic novel that would soon find its way to the top of the New York Bestsellers’ list.
Without raisin’ my head from the opened computer opened computer, I stole a look to see if the nigga bought my lil pretense and left me alone but no way, his half past dead Nike shoes were starin’ at my eyes like, “yeah, we here and we ain’t leavin’ till you buy som’ from our master”
Since the guy wasn’t budgin’, I thought I might as well check out what the nigga got. As soon as I raised my head to look at the array of shades he got on display, Death of Auto-tune (the same song that was playin’ in my earlier) started playin’ again but this time, it wasn’t jus’ the audio, I could see the video!
Happenstance? Why was Jay’s Music playin’ in my head…again? Are the Illuminatis tryna tell me somethin’? Lmao!
Y’all hold it right there, I know what y’all thinkin’ right now, yep I do. You’re pro’ly thinkin’, “Dobs is finally goin’ off his rockers. Nigga is losin’ his marbles”
Nah, am not losin’ my mind, I got my shit together. I got a good reason for hearin’ and seein’ Jay Z’s DOA in my head.
What’s my reason?
Nah, my reason’s got none to do Blue Ivy Carter.
The reason is found in this two words: Ray Ban!
If y’all remember the video well, Jay Z had a lil fro goin’ (before it was shaved off in the same video) and he was rockin’ a dark Ray Ban, right? I’ve always thought the look was a good one and I could pull it off, especially now that am rockin’ a medium sized fro’.
So, starrin’ at what the shade peddler got, I saw the same kinda shade and I was like well well well, am gon get me one of these babies. And yeah, I knew they were replicas (pro’ly made somewhere in rural China) but who the hell gives a fuck as long as it looks good on a brotha. Besides, y’all wouldn’t know the difference cause a lot of you will only see me rockin’ it in pictures.
“So, did I get my hands on one of those Ray Bans?”
Nope, I changed my mind after I discovered somethin’ on the shades.
The shades weren’t Ray Bans at all, they were Ray Dons!
I told the nigga, “nah, some other time cause I didn’t plan on gettin’ a shade today“
It’s one thing to buy a replica article; it’s another to buy a replica wit some stupid name on it! No way am goin’ to be caught dead in a Ray Don.
FUTURE SEEN THROUGH A RAY BAN
10 January
Tuesday
10:00
Happenstance
Am sure a lot of you have heard the word before or at least, read it somewhere in some books but for those who haven’t, allow me to take your truant asses to the classroom for a minute.lol
Accident, coincidence, chance, fluke, twist of fate…all these words are synonyms for happenstance. Oh, you didn’t know? Well, now you know and it’s all thanks to that world renowned professor of English himself.
Who? You ask
Me, of course and you better act like you know!
Y’all should be thankin’ me, I jus saved your ass a coupla bucks and time by improvin’ your vocabulary.
Nah am jus’ playin’ wit’ y’all, I know you guys are intelligent folks like that *strokin’ your egos*
09 January
Monday
12:57
La da da da
Hey hey goodbye
Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No ID on the track, let the story begin
This is anti auto-tune, death of ringtones
This isn’t for the iTunes, this ain’t for sing-along
This is Sinatra at the opera, bring a blonde
Preferably wit’ a fat ass who can sing along…
That was the song that started playin’ in my brain as soon as the three chicks stood beside the chair I was coolin’ in. it was as if an invisible DJ had been waitin’ all his life for that moment to happen jus for him to slide that record on and guess what? The song wouldn’t play beyond the part where Jay Z said, “…bring a blonde
Preferably wit’ a fat ass who can sing along” the song kept repeatin’ that same phrase over and over again like a broken record.
One of them chicks was a petit mulatto who wouldn’t stop talkin’, PYT (a pretty young thang) though. The other two were half past chubby. Truth is, one of the chubbies, was borderin’ on the plus-size but being a gentleman (though not always politically correct), I didn’t wanna call her fat…well she was fat (you guys forced my hand).
Is somebody askin’ bout the third chick and why Jay Z was stuck on” bring a blonde preferably wit’ a fat ass who can sing along”?
Well, I’m gon’ put the blame squarely on the ass of the third chick, Jay musta seen what me and many men saw. Shawtie had every eyes (with every eyes, I meant all the men, old and young) at the bus station glued to what her mama gave her. The chick couldn’t have been more than twenty and she had what I’d safely say is the fattest ass I’d ever seen in a red knee length skirt on someone so young! Two grown ass men could sit comfortably on that ass; she had all these uncouth men forgettin’ to pick their jaws from the freakin’ floor!
Monday
09 January
13:48
As soon as the sun shade seller noticed I’d given his wares more than a brief look, he walked up to me with a cigarette smile on his weathered face, makin’ that psst psst sound they all make to attract attention to their goods, nigga musta smelled a sale. I quickly looked back to my laptop and feigned concentration, I made pretend like some serious writer who was tryna finish an important sentence in an epic novel that would soon find its way to the top of the New York Bestsellers’ list.
Without raisin’ my head from the opened computer opened computer, I stole a look to see if the nigga bought my lil pretense and left me alone but no way, his half past dead Nike shoes were starin’ at my eyes like, “yeah, we here and we ain’t leavin’ till you buy som’ from our master”
Since the guy wasn’t budgin’, I thought I might as well check out what the nigga got. As soon as I raised my head to look at the array of shades he got on display, Death of Auto-tune (the same song that was playin’ in my earlier) started playin’ again but this time, it wasn’t jus’ the audio, I could see the video!
Happenstance? Why was Jay’s Music playin’ in my head…again? Are the Illuminatis tryna tell me somethin’? Lmao!
Y’all hold it right there, I know what y’all thinkin’ right now, yep I do. You’re pro’ly thinkin’, “Dobs is finally goin’ off his rockers. Nigga is losin’ his marbles”
Nah, am not losin’ my mind, I got my shit together. I got a good reason for hearin’ and seein’ Jay Z’s DOA in my head.
What’s my reason?
Nah, my reason’s got none to do Blue Ivy Carter.
The reason is found in this two words: Ray Ban!
If y’all remember the video well, Jay Z had a lil fro goin’ (before it was shaved off in the same video) and he was rockin’ a dark Ray Ban, right? I’ve always thought the look was a good one and I could pull it off, especially now that am rockin’ a medium sized fro’.
So, starrin’ at what the shade peddler got, I saw the same kinda shade and I was like well well well, am gon get me one of these babies. And yeah, I knew they were replicas (pro’ly made somewhere in rural China) but who the hell gives a fuck as long as it looks good on a brotha. Besides, y’all wouldn’t know the difference cause a lot of you will only see me rockin’ it in pictures.
“So, did I get my hands on one of those Ray Bans?”
Nope, I changed my mind after I discovered somethin’ on the shades.
The shades weren’t Ray Bans at all, they were Ray Dons!
I told the nigga, “nah, some other time cause I didn’t plan on gettin’ a shade today“
It’s one thing to buy a replica article; it’s another to buy a replica wit some stupid name on it! No way am goin’ to be caught dead in a Ray Don.
Tuesday
10:00
Happenstance
Am sure a lot of you have heard the word before or at least, read it somewhere in some books but for those who haven’t, allow me to take your truant asses to the classroom for a minute.lol
Accident, coincidence, chance, fluke, twist of fate…all these words are synonyms for happenstance. Oh, you didn’t know? Well, now you know and it’s all thanks to that world renowned professor of English himself.
Who? You ask
Me, of course and you better act like you know!
Y’all should be thankin’ me, I jus saved your ass a coupla bucks and time by improvin’ your vocabulary.
Nah am jus’ playin’ wit’ y’all, I know you guys are intelligent folks like that *strokin’ your egos*
09 January
Monday
12:57
La da da da
Hey hey goodbye
Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen
No ID on the track, let the story begin
This is anti auto-tune, death of ringtones
This isn’t for the iTunes, this ain’t for sing-along
This is Sinatra at the opera, bring a blonde
Preferably wit’ a fat ass who can sing along…
That was the song that started playin’ in my brain as soon as the three chicks stood beside the chair I was coolin’ in. it was as if an invisible DJ had been waitin’ all his life for that moment to happen jus for him to slide that record on and guess what? The song wouldn’t play beyond the part where Jay Z said, “…bring a blonde
Preferably wit’ a fat ass who can sing along” the song kept repeatin’ that same phrase over and over again like a broken record.
One of them chicks was a petit mulatto who wouldn’t stop talkin’, PYT (a pretty young thang) though. The other two were half past chubby. Truth is, one of the chubbies, was borderin’ on the plus-size but being a gentleman (though not always politically correct), I didn’t wanna call her fat…well she was fat (you guys forced my hand).
Is somebody askin’ bout the third chick and why Jay Z was stuck on” bring a blonde preferably wit’ a fat ass who can sing along”?
Well, I’m gon’ put the blame squarely on the ass of the third chick, Jay musta seen what me and many men saw. Shawtie had every eyes (with every eyes, I meant all the men, old and young) at the bus station glued to what her mama gave her. The chick couldn’t have been more than twenty and she had what I’d safely say is the fattest ass I’d ever seen in a red knee length skirt on someone so young! Two grown ass men could sit comfortably on that ass; she had all these uncouth men forgettin’ to pick their jaws from the freakin’ floor!
Monday
09 January
13:48
As soon as the sun shade seller noticed I’d given his wares more than a brief look, he walked up to me with a cigarette smile on his weathered face, makin’ that psst psst sound they all make to attract attention to their goods, nigga musta smelled a sale. I quickly looked back to my laptop and feigned concentration, I made pretend like some serious writer who was tryna finish an important sentence in an epic novel that would soon find its way to the top of the New York Bestsellers’ list.
Without raisin’ my head from the opened computer opened computer, I stole a look to see if the nigga bought my lil pretense and left me alone but no way, his half past dead Nike shoes were starin’ at my eyes like, “yeah, we here and we ain’t leavin’ till you buy som’ from our master”
Since the guy wasn’t budgin’, I thought I might as well check out what the nigga got. As soon as I raised my head to look at the array of shades he got on display, Death of Auto-tune (the same song that was playin’ in my earlier) started playin’ again but this time, it wasn’t jus’ the audio, I could see the video!
Happenstance? Why was Jay’s Music playin’ in my head…again? Are the Illuminatis tryna tell me somethin’? Lmao!
Y’all hold it right there, I know what y’all thinkin’ right now, yep I do. You’re pro’ly thinkin’, “Dobs is finally goin’ off his rockers. Nigga is losin’ his marbles”
Nah, am not losin’ my mind, I got my shit together. I got a good reason for hearin’ and seein’ Jay Z’s DOA in my head.
What’s my reason?
Nah, my reason’s got none to do Blue Ivy Carter.
The reason is found in this two words: Ray Ban!
If y’all remember the video well, Jay Z had a lil fro goin’ (before it was shaved off in the same video) and he was rockin’ a dark Ray Ban, right? I’ve always thought the look was a good one and I could pull it off, especially now that am rockin’ a medium sized fro’.
So, starrin’ at what the shade peddler got, I saw the same kinda shade and I was like well well well, am gon get me one of these babies. And yeah, I knew they were replicas (pro’ly made somewhere in rural China) but who the hell gives a fuck as long as it looks good on a brotha. Besides, y’all wouldn’t know the difference cause a lot of you will only see me rockin’ it in pictures.
“So, did I get my hands on one of those Ray Bans?”
Nope, I changed my mind after I discovered somethin’ on the shades.
The shades weren’t Ray Bans at all, they were Ray Dons!
I told the nigga, “nah, some other time cause I didn’t plan on gettin’ a shade today“
It’s one thing to buy a replica article; it’s another to buy a replica wit some stupid name on it! No way am goin’ to be caught dead in a Ray Don.
Friday, January 6, 2012
TALES FROM TWO JANUARY FIRSTS
31st December, 2011
Saturday
23:53
I turned the radio up but not all the way, and nah, the time of the night had nothin’ to do wit my reluctance to crank that mother up. Nobody in the neighborhood would mind if I’d maxed out the volume and brought the roof down. Why? ‘Cause the whole freakin’ city was in celebratory mood, it was New Year’s Eve (NYE), baby and everybody was eager to ring the New Year in style.
Different kinds of fireworks were goin’ off wit boomin’ sounds that would knock a dent in any decibel meter , wit’ an atmosphere like that, turnin’ the radio up would have been like a baby’s cry competin’ wit’ the roar of a Mac Truck.
1st January, 2012
Sunday
00:05
Jus before the old year died a natural death, heaven’s vault opened up and 2012 was brought in wit a down pour. Wit’ my ass posted up nicely in bed and that sweet lullaby effect of the rain on the roof, I dove head long into the cyber space and was enjoyin’ the new born wit me, myself and but alas, the telephone company did their thing (again, like they did on Christmas day), the network was snuffed out.
Round 01:00
I tossed and turned and thought about what I’ll bring to the year two thousand and twelve (no use contemplatin’ what the year would bring ‘cause it’ll bring what it’ll bring). And nope, I didn’t jus’ think about the serious stuffs, I thought about the-you-know-whats and those thoughts inspired a lil’ growth in my drawers. Lol!
Sometime around 1 AM, my lids got too heavy and I slipped into temporary death.
19:05
I’d gone out to the pub to watch the game between Sunderland and Man. City and I was feelin’ hella good cause my mustard-sized hope wasn’t misplaced, City lost the game in the most painful way…the mutherfuckers conceded an extra time goal! I was happy, jus like all Man. United fans were, we were level on top of the league.
I’d planned on stayin’ longer at the pub but I was rockin’ my favorite short (truth be told, that was my only short) and the ‘quitoes (that’s mosquitoes to you) wouldn’t let me be, so I took my ass outta there.
See, I do a lot of reflection when am walkin’ (and when am in the loo gettin’ my shit on), and so it was as I was walked home, my mind snap back to another New Year’s Day some years back.
1st January 2003
Wednesday
17:30
Guess what I was wearin’ on the first of January back in ‘03? Yep, you already guessed it, somethin’ very similar to what I wore on the first day of this year.
There’s always that one shirt that we love so much, that one get-on that makes us feel like part-time rock stars, right? When all else fail, there’s always that one shirt/dress we love to rock.
Tees have always been my thin and you can blame that on the good captain (my pops) for puttin’ my ass up on that. I love t-shirts a lot and the one I was sportin’ that day (January 1, ‘03) was my fav at the time.
Posted in front of the extra large white T was a big sepia image of the back of a cowboy hunkerin’ down beside a steed and below this was the inscription “Behind the Chute”, hangin’ on my ass a black baggy Wrangler short and a pair of white Adidas flat soled sneakers completed the ensemble.
What! I was so fresh; Beyonce woulda put me in her “baby boy” video if she knew about me back then.
Huh, does she know about me now?
Um, No comment, sir! Lol!
Anyways, I was fresh like a gift out the wrap and I was headed to a party organized to celebrate my friend’s mother’s birthday. The do was at their crib and it was in full swing wit’ loud music seethin’ from speakers by the time I, the original party starter, the fire-ball of the party got there!
How could they do that to me? Such disrespect! The truth is, nobody knew me except my boy (Shola) who invited me.lol
Shola introduced me to the birthday girl (his momma) and some other guys from the fam, before hookin’ me up wit my own VIP seat, a special table and chair jus for me.
It gets lonely at the VIP when you’re ballin’ all by yourself, you know? Ah ha, thought I’d toss that in there to make some of y’all who’ve never been in the VIP green wit’ envy. Lmao!
Now, what’s a VIP without all the exquisite stuffs, huh? Y’all know that the Hennessey’s, Moet, Chardonnays and of course, the pretty women gotta be up in the mix to make a VIP spot hot, right? Problems is, I wasn’t into booze (and my homie knew that) and I was alone at the table but guess what? All that changed 30 minutes later, nigga brought food, all kinds of exotic juice and some brandy called Esplendido to the table and my spot really began to look like a VIP!
Up until that fateful day in January ‘03, I’d never heard of anythin’ called esplendido and I can assure you, I’ll remember that freakin’ brandy till the day my casket drops. Why, you ask?
Like I’ve always maintained, I don’t do booze (well, not really except you consider sippin’ on ciders boozin’) but then again, my boy put me up on a dare so I said, fuck it, bring the damn thing on. Besides, I wanted to find out what the fuss was all about for guys who made claims for gettin drunk and shit. I wanted to know why these niggas lose their minds and sometime, self respect jus to get brew-high.
So I got my drink on, mixin’ brandy and juice and fried chicken and though Shola would check in on a nigga at regular interval, I was still all by myself at the table. Well, I wasn’t completely honest when I said I was by myself cause I had them ‘quitoes wit me. Those annoyin’ little insects were feastin’ on my fresh legs (y’all remember I was puttin’ a short, right?)
Sometime durin’ the course of the evenin’, Shola brought some chick to the table to keep me company. Soon as we got introduced and I promptly forgot her name cause my ass was half past drunk but surprisingly, I was half conscious of the BS comin’ out my mouth. I and my new companion talked for what seemed to be forever or should I say, I talked or more accurately, the alcohol in me talked for what seemed be forever.
I remember Shola tellin’ me at some point to, “calm down, bro you’re shoutin’’
Considerin’ the loud music playin’, I musta really been screamin’ my lungs out for anybody to even notice that.
“Oh, am shouting?” I said whispering. Only problem wit my supposed whisper was, it wasn’t a whisper at all, it was a fuckin’ shout and Shola told me so!
All the while, the shortie I was coolin’ wit was laughin’ her teeth off (a nigga-you-drunk-typa-laugh) but I couldn’t be bothered cause I was all smiles myself, that goofy alcoholic smile most definitely found a temporary home on my face.
The only thing I remember from my convo wit the chick was her sayin’, “This is the twentieth time you’ve asked for my name”
22:00
It was gettin’ late, I told my boy I needed to skip but he said nah, that he wouldn’t let me go in the condition I was in. I insisted and got my drunken ass outta there.
January 2nd
Thursday
14:00
I woke up wit’ a numbin’ headache and an Oliver Twist sized hunger, my body ached and my mind didn’t belong to me. Before rushin’ to the kitchen to drink water and eat sum’, I went to the bathroom to splash water on my face.
I didn’t notice I was still in the same clothes I’d gone out in until I’d eaten, one look at myself and the memory of the night before hit me smack in the face, especially the part where I threw up the bus on my way home, my fav shirt and wrangler short were puke-stained! It was amazin’ how I didn’t fall off the bike that deposited me at my gate.
I nursed a 3 day hangover and the mosquito bites on my legs took longer to disappear.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)