A SERIES OF UNRELATED INCIDENTS

Sunday Morning

May 20

11:05

Somewhere…

Am not sure I can remember the words of the song playin’ in the background correctly, but they were some’ like

“I give you myself

You can use me”

The piano was mournful but the song was happy and soft. I was hearin’ it for the first time but I was already hummin’ the tune by the second “heard” (if there’s word like that) and that right there is one of the hallmarks of a memorable song.

“Ba ba bay bay, oh god oh god” she said again and again, moaning and shakin’ in a slow dervish motion

I tried to look into her eyes but they were closed as her body vibrated.

“Oh god oh god” she continued as if I wasn’t there, rubbing her body against mine. I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up! Damn, didn’t she know a nigga was trying to concentrate too? But bein’ the considerate man that I am, I held back cause I didn’t want to ruin her high.

“Oooh, oh God,” she continued, whippin’ her “hair” in my face.

Saturday Night

May 19

22:23

At a Pub Somewhere Else…

83^rd minute and Bayern Munich’s Thomas Muller had jus headed home a potential winner against Chelsea wit 7 minutes left on the clock, Barney shouted with great delight from across the table, trying to get heard over the deafenin’ DJ Khalid’s All I Do Win joint booming out the speakers, “your pastor lied!”

“My pastor?” I was amused

He took a swig of his beer, ‘’Ah ha, I knew your pastor was liar,’’ he gloated. His big eyes seemed to grow even bigger wit mirth as he looked at me wit that I-told-you-so look.

I mean, me and this dude are friends (well, kinda) but we’ve never sat down to talk theology or religion front men. We’ve talked pussy and money but never a religion personality.

And of course, I knew who he was talking about but what the fuck, how’s that nigga my pastor? Okay, we are from the same neck of the wood (Nigeria), so what? I mean, I have never met the man or been to his church.

Oh wait, I’ve been to his church once before but it was for somethin’ totally unrelated to gettin’ my worship on or askin’ for a prophecy or some’. I was there wit’ a friend of mine to see a five-oh.

I told Barney the game’s not ended yet so the prophecy might still come true

Friday

May 18

10:39

From the vantage point on the counter where I was perched, I noticed the man but I didn’t really pay his no mind cause I was too busy wit my phone and I noticed he was busy wit his too…two of them, a Nokia and a Samsung and both were touch screen, top of the range shit. This cat was dark and built like a pro rugby player. He had on a navy blue hoodie over faded blue jeans.

Five minutes after I first noticed him, I heard him cussed, loudly. I looked his way; his eyes were glued to the Samsung and saw that both his hands were shakin’ like a drug addict needin’ a fix. My sensors immediately went on alert, call me nosey but I sensed a story in there somewhere, I asked if everthin’ was honky dory and would you believe it, it was as if a floodgate was flung wide open, nigga opened up to me like a confessor would to a father! It’s strange how people tend to open up to me, I mean, I don’t have that trustin’ angel face or anythin’ like that…must be that I have that je ne se quoi!

“Men, I can’t believe my wife has been cheating on me,” he said through clenched teeth

“Whoa!” I exclaimed

“Yes!” His voice sounded like a croak, like some’ was lodge in his throat.

I guess that’s what it sound like when a grown ass man is broken, huh?

“Am sorry, man,” I consoled.

He shook his head and looked at the Samsung phone in his right hand again.

“How’d you find out?” I prodded, givin’ the man an understandin’ look, well at least, what I thought to be an understandin’ look.

In my head, I was like fuck it, I don’t even have a wife, how could I possibly understand what this nigga was goin’ through but hey, I gotta do what I gotta to do to get this tale outta him.

“My wife’s phone, he raised the Samsung, had battery problem. I bought her a new battery but it wasn’t the right one. She suggested I take the phone wit me to town so that there won’t be any more mistake wit the size,” he paused and shook his head again

I wore my saddest look, nodded urgin’ him on

“After I got the right battery I charged it and tried to test it. Then I got curious and put my sim (the wife had removed her) and that was I discovered all the lurid text between my wife and her boyfriends,” I looked into his eyes and they were red. “I called one of the boyfriend and asked him if he knew the woman he was messing around with was married”

“And what’d he say?” I asked

“He said yes and that I should go and talk to my wife instead of bothering him”

I shook my head slowly from side to side as if am in pain

Even though I genuinely was concerned about this man’s agony, I was thinkin’ about y’all, I was fuckin’ hitchin’ to beat you guys over the head wit this true life betrayal!

Back to Saturday Night

22:28

Birney was stunned; his big eyes blew up five times bigger wit incredulity, Didier Drogba had jus rose in the air and powered in an equilizer!

Nigga couldn’t believe his eyes; I was bangin on the table and crackin’. Birney was eatin’his words, alphabet for alphabet.

“Who’s the liar now,” I roared

Sunday

11:15

Soon as we got done, I couldn’t wait to get away from this woman and her bleached out skin, I mean, i understand the concept of love your neighbor and shit but right at that moment while we were kneelin’ there at the alter prayin’, I wasn’t buyin’ into that concept.

Oh, what were you guys thinkin’? I knew what y’all be thinkin’? Dirty minds! Lmao!

Outro

I don’t care if we we’re in church or club, rubbin’ skin or touchin’ a fool who’s got her skin bleached is somethin’ I can’t and I wont condone. God will understand, am sure. He created us beautiful, why fuck it up?

My boy Birney (he’s south African, by the way) left the pub the without tellin’ me...nigga snuck out in shame, I assumed he went home to lick his wound and his words.

I understand that there are many Men Of Dog frontin’ out there like Men Of God and there’s every tendency for us to want some of these guys to get there prophecies wrong so that we can laugh in their faces and tell our folks like "I knew it. I knew that was fake" but hey, it's not up to us to do times job for it...time will flush out the real from the fake, trust me.

As for the stranger who confided in me, he seemed to have made up his mind bout cuttin’ his loses and was determined to head for the hill wit' what's left of his manliness. Told me he's given up on the marriage when i tried tellin' him to sit the woman down and kick some harsh word in her ears. Said he will be headin’ back to Mozambique where he’s been slavin’ his ass off to take care of the wife, oh I mean, ex wife!

As he headed toward the greyhound bus where his soon to be ex mother in law was waitin’ (the woman had no idea what storm was about to erupt), he thanked me for listenin’.