PRIAPISM

Saturday

May 12

03:55

I left several messages for my friend but the dude jus wouldn’t reply or return the calls. I was so fuckin’ worried and considerin’ that I wasn’t really a worrying-man then my concern must be for a damn good reason. See, ever since the story broke that my friend was hitting a big-time multi-national company wit a lawsuit; I thought to myself, this could be the huge pay day we’ve been dreamin’ about, a good one way ticket to easy street and it’d be nice to tag along for the ride!

After readin’ the full gist of the suit I began to have doubts (truth is, I doubted the whole gig from the get-go) cause there were yawnin’ holes in it. I had a feelin’ that even the late great Johnny Cochran on his best day wouldn’t be able to pluck them holes!

At exactly 17:55 out in the west coast of the United States, I tried hittin’ my friend up on the celly again and what would you know, he answered jus when I was about to press the end button

“Sup, old fren’?” he said gruffly

“Fuck you,” I retorted feigning anger

“That woulda been cool if I got a pussy but unfortunately I got the same tool as you and I know we don’t do the backdoors, old fren”

“Nah, speak for yourself,” I said. “I do the backdoor but not jus backdoors like mine”

 “True that, true that, old friend,” he concurred

“What the fuck is up wit this old friend routine?” I added, “I’ve been blowin’ up your cell phone for the past week and now your punk ass wanna act like we’re strangers, huh?”

He laughed so loudly I had to take the cell phone away from my ear and put the damn thing on speaker before I lose an eardrum.

“You got jokes, son” he managed between laughs, “and yeah, I know why your ass been callin’ ”

“Damn well you do and might wanna listen good as I kick knowledge in your ear hole”

Wednesday

May 9

02:23

It was my birthday and my phone wouldn’t access facebook! What? That’s like bein’ left in Alcatraz all by yourself! Ok, that’s an exaggeration but y’all already know I do that sometime, right?

Since I couldn’t get on FB, I fell back to an old habit, somethin’ I used to do way before the invasion of the world by them alien gadgets known as internet enabled cell phones. See, back in the old days when I couldn’t get a wink, I’d turn the radio on and stay up all night flippin’ through the dictionary (I love discoverin’ new words), checkin’ out words I’d jotted down on tiny piece of papers (I still do that, by the way) from novel and magazines I’d read but nowadays, I can’t even remember the last time I held a dictionary in my hand…well, at least not a hard copy.

Luckily for me on this night, hope wasn’t completely lost cause I could get on Google. I fished out a small piece of paper (it was actually a receipt I’d gotten from the mall for somethin’ I bought) from the Robin Cook medical thriller I was readin’, checked the things I’d written behind it and started googlin’ and wikipedia’ing.

Talkin’ about old habits, those words I jotted on the back of the receipt were so tiny, if your sight wasn’t good enough you might mistook them for a bunch of BS, and that my friends, was exactly the point.

Back when I was in school, there was somethin’ we called “chips” and nope, am not talkin’ about computer chips or potato chips.lol…chips are points written down on small pieces of paper wit the intention smugglin’ ‘em into the examination hall to help boost your memory.

Oh, is that cheatin’? hmmm, I didn’t know!

03:10

I almost overlooked the word cause I’d had difficulty makin’ out what I’d written but after givin’ it a long stare, I fin’lly figured the mutherfucker out, the word was PRIAPISM. Aha! I thought so, none of you truants have heard the word before!

I handed the word over to Google and it threw up some educative shit…

“Priapism is a potentially painful medical condition, in which the erect penis or clitoris does not return to its flaccid state.”

“It is a persistent, usually painful erection that lasts for more than four hours and occurs without sexual stimulation”

“Priapism occurs when the blood that fills an erect penis becomes trapped and unable to return to circulation.” NHS

Somethin’ tells me some of the cats readin’ this piece are actually wishin’ to experience this phenomenon, right? You are not alone, bruh. I secretly wish I could a bang a pussy for hours too, men. Wouldn’t that be awesome, huh? A sex superhero! I might even get a comic book named after me after blessin’ a million pussies wit countless hours of service. I can see it all in my head, Marvel comics present Dobs, the incredible fuck man! Then my name will be mentioned in the same breath as Spiderman and ‘em!  But then again, maybe ladies don’t need a man who can camp up in that pussy for four hours or do they?

So, can I educate your asses further by kickin’ this Priapism thing up a notch? Good!

Priapism is of two types: Venocclusive and arterial or low-flow and high-flow…from what I gathered most of the clinically presented cases are basic’lly low-flow.

Am I gettin’ through or should I jus chuck the deuces to this and move on to somethin’ else? Oh, y’all enjoyin’ it? Amazin’! So, let me jus go ahead and summarize the whole pot of soup for the lazy ones among y’all.

Basic’lly the causes of Priapism are

1 Shit could be because of the side effect taken erectile dysfunction drugs like Viagra. Also, antidepressants such as prozac and drugs like risperdal and zyprexa used in treatin’ psychotic disorders could also cause an eternal erection

2 Blood disorders like sickle cell anemia and leukemia could trigger that shit too. The unusual shapes of the red blood cells can block the flow of blood out of a rock hard dick.

3 Goin’ on a bender wit alcohol, marijuana and coke have been known to trigger Priapism.

4 Injury to the spinal cord or trauma to the genitals, the pelvis, or the perineum (the region between the base of the penis and the anus) could also cause the you-know-what.

And here’s my favorite of the lot…poisonous venom from scorpion or black widow spiders can hook a nigga up wit an epic hard on! Amazin’ shit…I would never look at spider the same way again.

Monday

April 30

Word had it that some dude said the seat on his motorcycle gave him an erection that he just couldn’t shake. He claimed that a four hour ride on his BMW motorcycle left him permanently stiff down south; a painful erection he said lasted for two years.

Outro

If Henry Wolf (the 52 year old San Francisco man who brought the law suit against BMW America and Corbin-Pacific, the aftermarket seat maker) was my friend, I’d tell him to get all the shine he can get from this 1 minute in the spotlight cause that’s all he’ll ever get from this whole production. There’s no way in the world any serious judge would even hear this case.

If Mr. Wolf was my buddy, I’d tell him that his best bet was to go and get his gigolo on but he shouldn’t waste his time wit them young girls who got none to offer but their pussies.  I’d go on and tell him to go into the world and satisfy all the rich old ladies til they die and leave him fortunes in their wills.

Only pro'lem now is, i heard Wolf is not able to work up a decent erection anymore...that old sayin' kinda comes to "make hay while the sunshine" which in this case translates to "let that erection get you all the lootyou can get before it goes limp"