I DO

Saturday
27 October, 2012
12:05

Wedding Day
“If any among you here today have any genuine reason why these two should not be joined together as man and wife, say it now or forever hold your mutherfuckin’ peace,” the pastor’s voice boomed across the small church.

Oh, did the pastor really say that?

The answer to that is hell yeah! Every word in that sentence was the pastor’s except for a very tiny part. And what part would that be? I think y’all already mutherfuckin’ know... I snuck that one tiny bit in there for emphasis. Ah ha!

Anyways, up until the moment the pastor spoke those famous words, I had been driftin’ in and out of naps and daydreams, I bolted upright like a sleepwalker who’s just been caught standin’ butt naked in the neighbor’s front porch and the very beautiful Miss Jones had jus’ smacked him across the face to shake some wakefulness into that ass! I came alive. I kinda had a feelin’ that some sort of drama was goin’ to go down.

I’ve heard of weddings where all kinds of people (people in this case would be, women, mostly women scorned) stepped out of the woodworks to throw spanners into whatever productions was goin’ on. Am I being politically incorrect by sayin’ women would rather disrupt a weddin’ than “forever hold their peace?” Maybe I am but I can honestly say I’ve never heard of a situation where a jilted man stooped that low. If somebody decided to get married to somebody else instead of you, what they unwittingly did was to save your ass from future sorrow, jus’ fuckin’ breathe and let that shit go! Hmmm, am beginnin’ to sound like that nigga Dr. Phil, aren’t I?

12:05:56
The silence in the church had that graveyard eeriness to it, every small moment was amplified. I shifted very slowly in my seat, all too aware of the look an exaggerated movement might earn me from fams and friends of the bride and groom. From my position in the back of the church, I craned my neck, tryin’ to see if my nigga, the groom, was sweatin’ bullets but all I was able see was his white suited shoulders and the back of his well-oiled black scull.

I sat there wonderin’ what was goin’ through the couples’ (especially the groom) mind. Now am not sayin’ my boy was a playa but I was damn sure the ghosts of girlfriends past must have flooded his mind’s eyes.

12:07
Jus’ as the pastor was about to get things goin’, a woman holdin’ a child stood up from somewhere in the navel of the church. Heads swivelled  Eyes bulged as the woman made her way to the aisle!

What! Shit was about to get real and all the stories I’ve heard about scorned women shuttin’ weddings down was about to come to life right in front of my naked eyes!

For a moment almost everybody in the church held their breath and you could hear one huge hum as folks collectively exhaled as the woman turned left and headed for the back exit door to breastfeed her baby.

12:12
With the dotted lines signed, the pastor pronounced the couple man and wife at exactly twelve past midday. And that, ladies and gentlemen was the first weddin’ I ever sat through from start to finish.

Outro
I still haven’t asked what was runnin’ through my nigga’s mind durin’ those few minutes the pastor asked them axe grinders to speak up or forever hold their peace but I promise am gon ask as soon as he turns his phone on... he’s away on honeymoon, by the way.

Happy matrimony to everybody who’s done it and to those plannin’ to get those two words in, watch your back especially if you’ve left a trail of broken marriage proposals in your wake.