SUCKICIDE

Sunday

March 8

10:35

Sunday mornin’ I’d had my mind made up to achieve two things; one was to go to church early and that I did cause by the time I stepped in the church, it was half filled. I gave myself a pat on the back for tickin’ that box. I was fuckin’ early for the first time!

Second, I told myself I wasn’t goin’ to be havin’ no dealings wit the spirit of distractions but alas, the moment I sat my ass down in the last seat of the second to the last row, I noticed a tiny tot boucin’ around in his momma’s arms and a familiarly strange (if there’s anythin’ like that) image instantly leapt to mind and the second part of my Sunday resolution went out the door!

The little infant’s eyes were big and round and innocent but they reminded me of someone else, some grown ass punk who chickened out of an agreement we had. My first thought when I saw the kid was to snatch him from the mother’s arm and put a call through to the punk ass and tell him, “Schmuck, I got your lil boy. Pay me what you fuckin’ owe me or you’ll never set eyes on your son again!”

But of course I didn’t do nuthin’ like that, I jus sat there calmly like a good Christian I was and try to get my concentration on but gawd, the lil boy looked so much like Anderson and for a brief moment I wished he was right there so I could plant a ferocious right fist into his face and beat the Judas out of his punk ass.

I know y’all be thinkin’ “why is this guy driftin’ and havin’ violent thoughts in church?”

It’s not my fault, man. I’ve been havin’ thoughts of Bruce Lee’ing that nigga ass ever since he got the nerve up to blow up my phone one fine evenin’ in early March threatenin’ to hit me wit a court case. The ungrateful bastard said I stiffed him out of a deal when in fact he owed me. He was goin’ off on the phone about how he’d consulted wit his lawyer and shit. I mean, I knew this nigga wouldn’t even know what to do wit a lawyer even if he was offered a pro bono service!

10:36

Funny thing was that all those devilish thoughts (as some of you might refer to them) only lasted less than a minute! How’d I know? I checked my phone. Oops, you caught me. Yeah, I know I should’ve turned off the damn thing but hey, putting’ it on silent should count for somethin’, shouldn’t it?

11:05

The pastor performed a baby dedication and got right back into his sermon (he was already preachin’ when I got in the church but he snuck in the baby dedication cause the new mum was delayed).

And what was the title of the sermon was again?

Covenant partnership. Ah ha, oh, y’all thought I wasn’t payin’ attention, didn’t y’all? The pastor talked about how one needed to partner wit the good Lord by payin’ tithe and checkin’ ones first fruit in wit the God and shit. He went on to break it down on how hard it was for him in the beginnin’ to practice all those things he preached…

12:35

Anyways, that was the high point of the sermon for me and before long; I began to slip into idle mode again (what did say about idle minds and the devil’s workshop again?). I kept checkin’ the time and thinkin’ to myself that if the MOG (man of God) doesn’t wrap his production up by thirteen hundred that am gonna have to jet. I got the EPL (English premier league) on my mind. Vain stuff, huh? I know but who doesn’t need an escape? I thought so!

12:42

The little boy that got me thinkin’ about KO’ing Anderson ass earlier started cryin’, I caught his big innocent as the mother positioned him for some of that good ol’ breast suck. I quickly looked away as the young mother whipped out an enormous boob. And nope, I didn’t see the milk factory but then again, I don’t really need to see a boob to be able to gauge how big it is, do I?

12:44

Lil Anderson stopped cryin’ for a bit but a few seconds later, he kicked his cryin’ fest up a notch and that’s the kinda shit that’d chip away even at a monk’s patience.

I tried my best not to look at mother and child and whatever it was they were disagreein’ about but it became increasingly hard not to sneak a look. So I did what any good Christian who cared about his neighbor would do, I looked and what I saw was distressin to me. I mean, who covers their boobs when breastfeedin’ a baby, huh?

This chick had the baby’s head covered whilst tryna shield her breast from bein’ exposed. Lil nigga was sweatin’ like a sailor in the boiler room. I wanted to slap the chick upside the head and tell her to fuckin’ let the baby suck that mutherfuckin’ boob freely (isn’t that one of the lil fella’s fundamental human right, huh?) but instead, I tapped her on the shoulder and said; “don’t you think your son needs to breath. You got his beautiful head covered”.