SHOPPIN' LIST

Tuesday

April 17

17:52

Soon as I swaggered up to the big assed-body-heat-detectin’ glass doors, it parted for me like the red sea did for that staff-wielding bearded nigga from the Old Testament and them Israelites. I remember once tellin’ a friend of mine that I like the way those doors slide open like the way the thighs of a hard workin’ prostitute does for a well-payin’ client and she looked at like me, “what an example!”. Truth is, if I was a teacher, none of my students would fail ‘cause I give easy and saintly examples.

A week earlier I’d had no such good fortune wit them doors. I’d missed the small written warnin’ that said the door was faulty and bumped headlong into the mutherfuckin’ doors before I realized it! Thankfully, no cracked skull or broken cell phones.

I sauntered into the mall like a man on a mission, I felt like Tom Cruise in mission impossible and I looked the part! Expensive brand-less dark shade in hand (don’t take my word for the shade bein’ expensive), backpack on my back, straight leg black jean on my ass and springs in my steps.

And what was my mission?

What! Nah, I wasn’t there to save the world or to perform heroics, those are jobs for Paul Blart the mall cop or Jack Bauer. I was there get me two oven-fresh breads!

Pick ‘N Pay

18:10

After stayin’ on the bread line for about four minutes I got two hot loaves. The smell and the warmth those loaves gave off kinda made me feel like every minute I spent waitin' on that line was worth well it. 

The four minutes’ wait was actually a quick time considerin’ that, at that time of the day on week days, one could stay on the line for at least ten minutes to get a freakin’ bread! Who does that? Breadaholics like me, that’s who! Wow, look, I even invented a new word…breadaholic. Lol! Some days while waitin’ on the queue, I’d fantasize about holdin’ the bakers at gun point and make ‘em reveal their recipe. Yeah, I know its idle thinkin’ but what else can you think about while waitin’ for bread, huh?

18:15

As I was walked away from the cashier with my precious loaves and my change, somebody wit a cheerful voice called my name, it was a voice I haven’t heard in more than a year, It was my friend Laura! I stuck out my hand tryna shake but she rewarded my modesty wit a hug, a side hug. 

What an abominable act! I protested, told her no lady gives Dobs a side hug, it was unacceptable. No half steppin’ when you’re huggin’ me, you better come through wit that full frontal put-it-all-on-me type of hug. She laughed and introduced me to her sister and her mum, told them bout how I used to give her hell and stuff back when we were studying for CIM (Chartered Institute of Marketing) together.

18:22

We caught up on a few gists as we made our way toward the exit but then remembered she had to get some wrist bead at one of the shops close to the entrance. She dragged me along and told me she’s goin’ to put it on my tab…I could hear tires screechin’ to a halt in my head! The not so-bad-lookin’ sales girls got their eyes (three pairs of ‘em) on me. What! Shawtie threw me in the spotlight jus like that! I could feel the four ladies’ eyes burnin’ into me, waitin’ on me, pro’ly holdin’ their breaths like they did when Romeo kissed Juliet or when Jack swapped spit wit Rose…I knew they were waitin’ on my response, so I let ‘em stew a few more seconds.

Wednesday

April 18

13:41

After I got done from the internet café, I rolled into the opposite shop (baby clothes and things) to holla at my friends there and what would you know, I walked into a freakin’ ambush…five grown ass chicks looked at me like an uninvited guest had crashed their little powwow but what the hell, I was already there and what I saw the ladies doin’ was too good to jus turn around and walk out. No way, Jose!

And what were the ladies doin’?

They were tryna cop themselves panties and bras!

I smiled to myself and told the ladies to get on wit their trade. The undies’ merchant retrieved her bag of goodies where she had hurriedly pushed it when I walked in. I grabbed a seat and watched as the ladies examined all kinds of boob hangers (a.k.a bras) and pants

Danglin’ a bra on her index finger, one of the chicks said, “you can’t jus sit here like that, get me of these”

What! Is this déjà vu or what? I told myself this shit can’t be happenin’ again but fuck, it was.

I did one-two and asked myself, “What would Johnny Bravo do if he was caught in this type of situation?”

“Oh, why should I buy a bra for you, huh?” I chuckled, “what would I chalk it down to?”

“C’mon, just buy” she urged

“Um, ok why don’t you let cop a good feel of your breasts and I’ll buy you one” I baited her

And guess what? She said yeah!

Oh mine, are you serious? To press her point home she up her rack in my face, darin’ me to feel upon them titties!

Back at the Shop wit’ Me and Laura

April 17

18:25

What! How a lady gon’ hit a brotha wit an unplanned expense jus like that, huh? Jus like that, boom outta the blues! Nah, I don’t roll like that so I put the ladies out of their misery so that they could breathe again, I told Laura, “Nah, am not goin’ to pay for that. I don’t have cash for that and even if I do, it wasn’t in my plan”

I know some of you ladies are pro’ly wringin’ your powdered nose at me right about now, callin’ me all kinds of names, huh? Did y’all jus call me cheap ass? Well, I got news for you…I can’t hear y’all *tongue out*

Outro

Did I cup a feel of those racks? Nah, I didn’t but its jus kinda funny what these ladies would let a man get away wit’ if he can hook that ass up wit some’ extra.

And oh, did I mention that my friend Laura was carryin’ a genuine brown Gucci leather bag and a pair of six inch heels to match?