I threw up the deuce to the cute girl down the aisle without meanin' to. You can blame that involuntary hand gesture on the infectious tune bangin' in my eardrum via my celly's headphones; Chris Breezy, Kevin McCall and Tyga's Deuces won't stop tellin' me to flip both the index and middle finger. And would you believe? She smiled and waved back at me! The other “girl” she was with didn't even notice our little exchange, she was too busy tryna pick some grocery from the shelf.
I turned and walked to my favorite part of the stores…the bread counter! I love bread. Back when we were in the university tryna hustle for that degree, my boy Ameh a.k.a Amazin' used to call me the Ginger Bread Man, a testament to the undyin' love affair between me and that big ass loaf of bread.
I got my oven fresh bread and headed to counter to lay the cash down and bam! There was she was, right in front of me! That same cute girl from earlier... "standin'" right there, smilin' and reachin' out her cute hand to me like she knew me. Now what kinda man would I be if I let this new sweet familiarity go without showin' some love in return? Nah am not that kinda man. So, I reached out and touched her hand. Her excited movement made the "girl" she was with turned to looked at me.
"Hi", I said, removing my headphones while still holdin' on to the cute girl's hand.
"Hi", she said. I didn't really hear what she said but I read her lips. The noise level was a bit high, plus her voice was real low and soft. She smiled. Her smile, a carbon copy of the one the cute girl got.
"You guys look so much alike", I said, in my deepest voice.
She nodded and said, "Thanks".
She paid and as they turned to leave, the cute girl started cryin'. Her pretty eyes had cute lil' tears in 'em. I paid for my bread and caught up with them jus' as they reached their car then somethin' so freakin' surprisin' happened... the cute girl, the little two year old I jus' met called me Daddy!
What! My mouth weighed a ton, I tried but I jus' couldn't pull my thick lips together. The mother had a devious lil' smile on her face as she tried to load her loot from the store in the car while the baby cried for me…the new daddy. I scooped the lil' angel up in my arms and tried my best to soosh her up by rockin' her back and forth. After the mother got done, I pretended like my phone rang…
"Hello", I said to the dead phone while I stylishly made a quick get away from my new found daughter.
Imagine what would've happened if the husband or the father of the kid was there. Did somebody say paternity test?
I threw up the deuce to the cute girl down the aisle without meanin' to. You can blame that involuntary hand gesture on the infectious tune bangin' in my eardrum via my celly's headphones; Chris Breezy, Kevin McCall and Tyga's Deuces won't stop tellin' me to flip both the index and middle finger. And would you believe? She smiled and waved back at me! The other “girl” she was with didn't even notice our little exchange, she was too busy tryna pick some grocery from the shelf.
I turned and walked to my favorite part of the stores…the bread counter! I love bread. Back when we were in the university tryna hustle for that degree, my boy Ameh a.k.a Amazin' used to call me the Ginger Bread Man, a testament to the undyin' love affair between me and that big ass loaf of bread.
I got my oven fresh bread and headed to counter to lay the cash down and bam! There was she was, right in front of me! That same cute girl from earlier... "standin'" right there, smilin' and reachin' out her cute hand to me like she knew me. Now what kinda man would I be if I let this new sweet familiarity go without showin' some love in return? Nah am not that kinda man. So, I reached out and touched her hand. Her excited movement made the "girl" she was with turned to looked at me.
"Hi", I said, removing my headphones while still holdin' on to the cute girl's hand.
"Hi", she said. I didn't really hear what she said but I read her lips. The noise level was a bit high, plus her voice was real low and soft. She smiled. Her smile, a carbon copy of the one the cute girl got.
"You guys look so much alike", I said, in my deepest voice.
She nodded and said, "Thanks".
She paid and as they turned to leave, the cute girl started cryin'. Her pretty eyes had cute lil' tears in 'em. I paid for my bread and caught up with them jus' as they reached their car then somethin' so freakin' surprisin' happened... the cute girl, the little two year old I jus' met called me Daddy!
What! My mouth weighed a ton, I tried but I jus' couldn't pull my thick lips together. The mother had a devious lil' smile on her face as she tried to load her loot from the store in the car while the baby cried for me…the new daddy. I scooped the lil' angel up in my arms and tried my best to soosh her up by rockin' her back and forth. After the mother got done, I pretended like my phone rang…
"Hello", I said to the dead phone while I stylishly made a quick get away from my new found daughter.
Imagine what would've happened if the husband or the father of the kid was there. Did somebody say paternity test?
Saturday Just before 11:00hrs My mood was a deeper shade of blue, the weather was gettin' hot and I was restless. I needed some distractions, alil' some' to take my mind off things. So, there I was layin' on my stomach, surfin' through stations on the radio tryna while away the time before one of my fav programs on radio comes on BBC; Top of the Pops (am a radio addict, by the way). If I'm told to choose between pussy and the radio... I'll choose both! Got ya! Lmao…I love lettin' my ears be held hostage by the radio.
Two Hours Later Just before jumpin' in the shower, I took one of the best dumps I’ve taken in a long while and when I got done, I felt like I had cum... felt like an orgasm! Ok, maybe not quite but it felt so fuckin' good I coulda sworn I came. I don't know, you ever taken one of those mood-alterin' dump or piss before? If you've not, then you've not known one of life's sweetest free gifts. Trust me on that one.
Suddenly, I was happy. My Saturday afternoon was lookin' like some' outta Louis Armstrong's Wonderful World... ooooh yea *in my best Satchmo voice*. I even whistled a song I love to hate, LMFAO’s Party Rock while in the shower getting' my ass washed.
21:00hrs I was feelin' hella good; the evening was look like it'd end in a good night. Man. United had jus' given Bolton a good ass whoopin', though not as monumental as the drubbin' the Gunners got 'bout a forth night ago but it was a good signal to all the other pretenders in the premiership that we (we, as in Man. United) ain't playin'! The other big boys in the league are shakin' in their boots right about now.
Samson, I meant Wayne Rooney can't stop bangin' in the goals. That boy's on fire. I have a conspiracy theory bout Rooney's new found form and his new head of full hair got some' to do with it... am jus' sayin'.
So am walkin' home, the moon beamin' happily in the sky jus' like my smile. The Ho's were out at their usual spots, callin' every Dobs, DICK and Harry baby or darlin'. I've often wondered why these girls chose these well to do neighborhood to sell that punany. Tree-lined streets, well paved roads, all quiet and shit, hands down, this is one of the best parts of this city... about 10 meters away from the pussy-mongers, I slipped and fell. Thank God my best friend was ok... oh, sorry, that was my phone in case you're wonderin' how a mysterious friend I didn’t mention suddenly appeared in this lil' true life tale. Satisfied we're both ok except for my stained pant, I checked for what had caused my "downfall" and you wouldn't have been able to guess in a million years what it was if I told you to take a stab at it... A USED CONDOM with sperm still oozing out of the damn thang!
Imagine how some other people's fuckin' bi'ness/ pleasure fuckin' nearly ruined such a good night. I smiled to myself, signed in to me Facebook account and was about to update when…
Saturday Just before 11:00hrs
My mood was a deeper shade of blue, the weather was gettin' hot and I was restless. I needed some distractions, alil' some' to take my mind off things. So, there I was layin' on my stomach, surfin' through stations on the radio tryna while away the time before one of my fav programs on radio comes on BBC; Top of the Pops (am a radio addict, by the way). If I'm told to choose between pussy and the radio... I'll choose both! Got ya! Lmao…I love lettin' my ears be held hostage by the radio.
Two Hours Later
Just before jumpin' in the shower, I took one of the best dumps I’ve taken in a long while and when I got done, I felt like I had cum... felt like an orgasm! Ok, maybe not quite but it felt so fuckin' good I coulda sworn I came. I don't know, you ever taken one of those mood-alterin' dump or piss before? If you've not, then you've not known one of life's sweetest free gifts. Trust me on that one.
Suddenly, I was happy. My Saturday afternoon was lookin' like some' outta Louis Armstrong's Wonderful World... ooooh yea *in my best Satchmo voice*. I even whistled a song I love to hate, LMFAO’s Party Rock while in the shower getting' my ass washed.
21:00hrs
I was feelin' hella good; the evening was look like it'd end in a good night. Man. United had jus' given Bolton a good ass whoopin', though not as monumental as the drubbin' the Gunners got 'bout a forth night ago but it was a good signal to all the other pretenders in the premiership that we (we, as in Man. United) ain't playin'! The other big boys in the league are shakin' in their boots right about now.
Samson, I meant Wayne Rooney can't stop bangin' in the goals. That boy's on fire. I have a conspiracy theory bout Rooney's new found form and his new head of full hair got some' to do with it... am jus' sayin'.
So am walkin' home, the moon beamin' happily in the sky jus' like my smile. The Ho's were out at their usual spots, callin' every Dobs, DICK and Harry baby or darlin'. I've often wondered why these girls chose these well to do neighborhood to sell that punany. Tree-lined streets, well paved roads, all quiet and shit, hands down, this is one of the best parts of this city... about 10 meters away from the pussy-mongers, I slipped and fell. Thank God my best friend was ok... oh, sorry, that was my phone in case you're wonderin' how a mysterious friend I didn’t mention suddenly appeared in this lil' true life tale. Satisfied we're both ok except for my stained pant, I checked for what had caused my "downfall" and you wouldn't have been able to guess in a million years what it was if I told you to take a stab at it... A USED CONDOM with sperm still oozing out of the damn thang!
Imagine how some other people's fuckin' bi'ness/ pleasure fuckin' nearly ruined such a good night. I smiled to myself, signed in to me Facebook account and was about to update when…
On Friday I caught the train down to the city to have a “study night” with my friend C. I say “study” because I am not sure how much we actually ended up doing! Perhaps that’s just the code name I used so I could go down and spend time with my new friend. We met just over a month ago on our first day of class. We were standing around waiting for the lecturer to arrive and just started talking. Since that day we’ve hit it off as best friends and it feels like we’ve known each other forever. C’s fiancé calls us twins even though we’re the complete opposite physically – me the “white as white” Aussie and C the “dark but lovely” African Australian – originating from Sierra Leone. Part of the reason we get on so well is I’ve spent time in Africa before and just warm to, love and accept people of all cultures. And Friday night turned out to be a cultural experience for real! I actually ended up leaving Sunday morning!
C lives with her fiancé CP, sister M and her mother affectionately known as “Big Mama”. When I first met the family I was told no one even knows her real name they just call her Big Mama. Like the movie she’s big, she’s round but she’s loving and affectionate and you immediately feel at ease in her presence. The first time I met her she had just come home from an outing and with a big smile she said, “Welcome to my home”. She hugged me and said, “You! I like! You are big like me! Not like my daughter,” glancing at C who has previously done modelling and has the body to match. Everyone immediately laughed. CP of Italian origin piped in “Mama you can’t say that!” But everyone was laughing, including me, I said it was fine! CP explained it’s just the African sense of humour. But it’s true, I am not the smallest of smallest girls. To my next surprise Mama removed a wig to reveal her curly grey Afro-hair and said, “Now you know my secret!” I had thought it was her real hair so I was quite in shock but laughing too! Mama couldn’t refrain her laughter either.
Me and C did end up getting a bit of study done but the majority of the time was spent looking at each other’s photos and talking as girls do. I planned on staying the night because it was too far and late to get home. I asked, “so where am I sleeping tonight?” Last time I had slept in M’s bed who was supposed to be out at a friend’s. And when she came home and discovered I was going to be sleeping in her bed she did not look too happy, although she had been upset that day so I was told not to let it bother me. Later C and I had our combined birthday party as we discovered our birthdays were only 5 days apart and decided to celebrate together. While we were lining up to get into the restaurant I apologised to M for sleeping in her bed, she said it was alright. Mama was shaking her head that I even apologised saying next time I would sleep in her bed! So C and her Mum looked at me. “What did we say last time?” C’s Mum asked. “Your bed,” I replied. C asked me if that was still okay and I said – of course; I didn’t mind. I loved Big Mama and I already felt like family by now. Mama said, “Don’t worry; I’m now an old woman to be making love to you so you don’t need to worry”. Oh my goodness I laughed! In Australia it’s not common to share a bed with family but in Africa it’s the norm. It personally didn’t bother me and I knew it would be fine and as CP explained to me, “you know how it is in Africa”.
That night I was trying to get to sleep; and you know how it is when you’re in a new place and sleeping in a new bed. Mama left the light on for me and I switched it off as I came in. As I got into my side of the bed I discovered the electric blanket was on and it was so hot I was sweating! Feeling a bit shy I didn’t want to say anything but endeavoured I was going to endure it. I pretty much only had a tiny bit of blanket on and stuck all my arms and legs out to avoid the heat! As I lay there trying to sleep – Mama was snoring away loudly! Haha! It didn’t bother me that much, but then downstairs I heard someone knocking on the door and calling out (someone knocking on the neighbour’s house). The knocking was not getting any quieter either! I was doomed not to get any sleep. Mum got up to go to the bathroom at one stage and I decided this was my chance to turn off the electric blanket! I found the switch and turned it off. I eventually started feeling exhausted and drifted in and out of sleep. The funny thing is I woke up feeling cold even though I went to bed feeling hot!
Saturday morning we all came down for breakfast. Mama asked me, “Did I snore?” I blushed a little and I said, “Nah Mum, you were alright.” The sisters looked at me and said they knew their Mum snored. They kept pressing me til I eventually said, “well maybe you were breathing a little loudly”. The whole family were laughing and carrying on. C asked me to give her five, telling her Mum, “see I told you so! Thank you HH, maybe now she will believe me.” Mama was funny asking me how she sounded and said “the funny thing is you wouldn’t know that you snore!” Then she started making different sounds asking me if that’s what her snore sounded like! Hahaha!
Mama started preparing a Sierra Leone dish with okra, fish and spices. She was so excited about me trying it once it was done. C asked me what time I was staying and asked if I was staying til Sunday? I was supposed to go home that Saturday but they wanted me to stay another day. I said, “I would love to as long as I am not bothering any one and you don’t mind”. Mama said, “No, of course not I can’t wait for you to try my okra – you’re going to love it.” In fact it was a delicious meal but very spicy! My white tastebuds were crying for some milk to cool the burn!
Mama was going out to a party with friends and since I shared a bed with Mama, C joked, “I don’t know Mum – is HH going to let you go out?” We were joking I was now her lover/ partner so I had to give permission. I asked Mama what time she would be home cos she had to be there to tuck me in! I said, “Make sure you behave yourself and don’t stay out too late!”
While Mama was out – C, M and I belted out the African music starting with a Sierra Leonean classic “Che Che” by Daddy Saj. C was showing me all the moves which require a lot of booty shaking and getting lower and lower! The girls had me dancing with them, I was feeling kinda embarrassed but I tried. I couldn’t quite shake it like them and as I got lower my thighs were giving way not wanting to hold me up and I kept falling. The girls were laughing as they danced wildly and kept encouraging me to do more. I couldn’t quite keep up, but I tried! The girls changed into short things but I just threw off my jacket. I was feeling exhausted by the end of that but I was told this is a regular occurrence in the household with all three girls dancing (Mum and daughters). But boy we were hot by the end of that!
Later Mama got home although we got to bed quite late. Sunday morning when the whole family was downstairs again, Mama loudly proclaimed, “I’ve got news for everyone!” CP jumped in, “Who’s pregnant?” Mama ignored him and said, “My news is... last night we very tired and in a moment of tiredness... HH snored!” The whole room burst out into laughter. Mama continued “she was so tired... she even put her arms around me in the night...” I was also laughing but I said, “Mama you are making that up!”
This morning I said goodbye to my adopted Sierra Leonean family but my time spent with them is not something I will easily forget. I will always cherish the memories and I can’t wait til next time!
On Friday I caught the train down to the city to have a “study night” with my friend C. I say “study” because I am not sure how much we actually ended up doing! Perhaps that’s just the code name I used so I could go down and spend time with my new friend. We met just over a month ago on our first day of class. We were standing around waiting for the lecturer to arrive and just started talking. Since that day we’ve hit it off as best friends and it feels like we’ve known each other forever. C’s fiancé calls us twins even though we’re the complete opposite physically – me the “white as white” Aussie and C the “dark but lovely” African Australian – originating from Sierra Leone. Part of the reason we get on so well is I’ve spent time in Africa before and just warm to, love and accept people of all cultures. And Friday night turned out to be a cultural experience for real! I actually ended up leaving Sunday morning!
C lives with her fiancé CP, sister M and her mother affectionately known as “Big Mama”. When I first met the family I was told no one even knows her real name they just call her Big Mama. Like the movie she’s big, she’s round but she’s loving and affectionate and you immediately feel at ease in her presence. The first time I met her she had just come home from an outing and with a big smile she said, “Welcome to my home”. She hugged me and said, “You! I like! You are big like me! Not like my daughter,” glancing at C who has previously done modelling and has the body to match. Everyone immediately laughed. CP of Italian origin piped in “Mama you can’t say that!” But everyone was laughing, including me, I said it was fine! CP explained it’s just the African sense of humour. But it’s true, I am not the smallest of smallest girls. To my next surprise Mama removed a wig to reveal her curly grey Afro-hair and said, “Now you know my secret!” I had thought it was her real hair so I was quite in shock but laughing too! Mama couldn’t refrain her laughter either.
Me and C did end up getting a bit of study done but the majority of the time was spent looking at each other’s photos and talking as girls do. I planned on staying the night because it was too far and late to get home. I asked, “so where am I sleeping tonight?” Last time I had slept in M’s bed who was supposed to be out at a friend’s. And when she came home and discovered I was going to be sleeping in her bed she did not look too happy, although she had been upset that day so I was told not to let it bother me. Later C and I had our combined birthday party as we discovered our birthdays were only 5 days apart and decided to celebrate together. While we were lining up to get into the restaurant I apologised to M for sleeping in her bed, she said it was alright. Mama was shaking her head that I even apologised saying next time I would sleep in her bed! So C and her Mum looked at me. “What did we say last time?” C’s Mum asked. “Your bed,” I replied. C asked me if that was still okay and I said – of course; I didn’t mind. I loved Big Mama and I already felt like family by now. Mama said, “Don’t worry; I’m now an old woman to be making love to you so you don’t need to worry”. Oh my goodness I laughed! In Australia it’s not common to share a bed with family but in Africa it’s the norm. It personally didn’t bother me and I knew it would be fine and as CP explained to me, “you know how it is in Africa”.
That night I was trying to get to sleep; and you know how it is when you’re in a new place and sleeping in a new bed. Mama left the light on for me and I switched it off as I came in. As I got into my side of the bed I discovered the electric blanket was on and it was so hot I was sweating! Feeling a bit shy I didn’t want to say anything but endeavoured I was going to endure it. I pretty much only had a tiny bit of blanket on and stuck all my arms and legs out to avoid the heat! As I lay there trying to sleep – Mama was snoring away loudly! Haha! It didn’t bother me that much, but then downstairs I heard someone knocking on the door and calling out (someone knocking on the neighbour’s house). The knocking was not getting any quieter either! I was doomed not to get any sleep. Mum got up to go to the bathroom at one stage and I decided this was my chance to turn off the electric blanket! I found the switch and turned it off. I eventually started feeling exhausted and drifted in and out of sleep. The funny thing is I woke up feeling cold even though I went to bed feeling hot!
Saturday morning we all came down for breakfast. Mama asked me, “Did I snore?” I blushed a little and I said, “Nah Mum, you were alright.” The sisters looked at me and said they knew their Mum snored. They kept pressing me til I eventually said, “well maybe you were breathing a little loudly”. The whole family were laughing and carrying on. C asked me to give her five, telling her Mum, “see I told you so! Thank you HH, maybe now she will believe me.” Mama was funny asking me how she sounded and said “the funny thing is you wouldn’t know that you snore!” Then she started making different sounds asking me if that’s what her snore sounded like! Hahaha!
Mama started preparing a Sierra Leone dish with okra, fish and spices. She was so excited about me trying it once it was done. C asked me what time I was staying and asked if I was staying til Sunday? I was supposed to go home that Saturday but they wanted me to stay another day. I said, “I would love to as long as I am not bothering any one and you don’t mind”. Mama said, “No, of course not I can’t wait for you to try my okra – you’re going to love it.” In fact it was a delicious meal but very spicy! My white tastebuds were crying for some milk to cool the burn!
Mama was going out to a party with friends and since I shared a bed with Mama, C joked, “I don’t know Mum – is HH going to let you go out?” We were joking I was now her lover/ partner so I had to give permission. I asked Mama what time she would be home cos she had to be there to tuck me in! I said, “Make sure you behave yourself and don’t stay out too late!”
While Mama was out – C, M and I belted out the African music starting with a Sierra Leonean classic “Che Che” by Daddy Saj. C was showing me all the moves which require a lot of booty shaking and getting lower and lower! The girls had me dancing with them, I was feeling kinda embarrassed but I tried. I couldn’t quite shake it like them and as I got lower my thighs were giving way not wanting to hold me up and I kept falling. The girls were laughing as they danced wildly and kept encouraging me to do more. I couldn’t quite keep up, but I tried! The girls changed into short things but I just threw off my jacket. I was feeling exhausted by the end of that but I was told this is a regular occurrence in the household with all three girls dancing (Mum and daughters). But boy we were hot by the end of that!
Later Mama got home although we got to bed quite late. Sunday morning when the whole family was downstairs again, Mama loudly proclaimed, “I’ve got news for everyone!” CP jumped in, “Who’s pregnant?” Mama ignored him and said, “My news is... last night we very tired and in a moment of tiredness... HH snored!” The whole room burst out into laughter. Mama continued “she was so tired... she even put her arms around me in the night...” I was also laughing but I said, “Mama you are making that up!”
This morning I said goodbye to my adopted Sierra Leonean family but my time spent with them is not something I will easily forget. I will always cherish the memories and I can’t wait til next time!
Ever sat down to think about Jesus? You have, right? I thought so. Ok, what about Black Jesus? Huh uh? Why not? Ok, now take a few seconds to chew on that... What would he look like? What country would he have been from? Snap back to reality!
How many of you guys remember Black Jesus, that hot record that the late great Tupac Amaru Shakur a.k.a 2pac and his crew, Outlaws put out back in the 90s?
Searching for Back Jesus It’s hard, it’s hard We need help out here So we searching for Black Jesus...
It's ok if you've never heard it…but then again, what you waitin'? Get your ass up and go diggin’ in your uncle's crates. Oops! Did I say crates? My bad, YouTube or Google the dam thang!
I've been looking at the ways different societies have portrayed Jesus as their own race in their art; for example, He is primarily European in the West. To the Native Americans, He appeared in their art as Native American. Am yet to come across a black depiction of Jesus and though I know it’s there, it’s nowhere as common as the ubiquitous European Jesus. Our medulla oblongatas have been conditioned by hundreds of years of exposure to European arts and paintings which depicted Him as a bearded, long dark haired, solemn looking kinda guy.
Anyways, I bet Pac woulda known two facts by now…one, that Jesus wasn’t a black man, and two, if there’s really a heaven for a G. Of course, it’d be preposterous to think Jesus was a black man but I understand what my nigga Pac was tryna put across to Uncle Sam and ‘em. Deep nigga, dat boy Pac!
What got me thinking about Back Jesus and stuff is the new video piece by the German artist Christian Jankowski. This dude used an X-Factor-Idol-like format to cast an actor who best interprets the role of Jesus for a short movie as part of an artistic performance.
I thought it was pure genius... sounds like some' I would think of (ah ha butterin' myself up, I know). He had 13 Jesuses competing against each other. Imagine the kinda of bitching that goes down in competitions like these. At the beginnin' of the show, these dudes had no beard... two weeks into it; cats started growin' their mane and beard without being told to. Am sure the real Jesus is coolin' up there, all amused and things at how these guys were jostle to be the winnin' Jesus.
Back to one of my original questions, what would a Black Jesus look like? If you were to cast a black man the role of Jesus, what physical characteristics would you be lookin' for?
