BURN NOTE AFTER READIN'

AFriday

13 July

16:28

I saw her way before she and her tall self brought themselves through the door and somehow I knew she was goin’ to come to my counter for some help (there were five counters there, by the way). Once in the door, she went to the security lady standin’ by the display glass to inquire bout some’ as I turned my attention to gatherin’ my papers together and gettin’ ready to call it a fuckin’ day.

In mid-yawn a minute later, I saw the security lady pointin’ Miss Tall in my direction and bzzzzt, the buzzer went off in my head, and the crowd began to cheer and my boys bum-rushed the stage, givin’ me hugs and pounds. The show host was blown; he had that you-son-of-gun-how- did-you-know look on his freakin’ face. I looked at him, threw both my hands up and shrugged like hey, it ain’t a thing. Am a prophet like that!

Ladies and gentlemen, the prophecy was comin’ true right in front of my eyes. What prophecy was that again, you say? The one I told y’all about me knowin’ that the girl would come to me for help even right before she walked in the door…hello! Lol.

Stop it, I told myself! And jus in time for her arrival at my counter, I cut the yawn short, kill off the light on the imaginary crowd cheerin’ for me and turned on my Bruce Willis smile (a smile in the corner of your mouth), I said, “hi, how may I help you…you tall glass of Smirnoff spin?” Ok, am lyin’, that ‘tall glass of Smirnoff spin’ bit wasn’t said…it was jus a thought left for future use.

“Hi,” she replied, rewardin me wit’ a smile as she set an iPhone, a blackberry and her bag down on the counter. “I need to get some money from my mobile money account but I’ve forgotten my pin (number). Can you please help with it?” she continued

Still wearin’ that Die Hard smile (Bruce Willis’ style), I answered, “I could but it can’t be done today. The guys am suppose to call to help wit’ the password reset already shut down for the day”

Leaning forward, “Please, I really need to get some money out of the account ‘cause there’s something I need to do like urgently,” she plead

I rubbed my eyes and shook my slowly.

“You know, I’ve been here a couple of times for mobile money,” she said

“Oh really,” I dimmed my eyes and quickly rummaged through my mental folders for her file but I came up wit nothin’, “how come I don’t remember you?”

“That’s because you’ve never served me” her BlackBerry chimed, she picked it up and typed a reply to some BBM. “I mostly come in for BIS subscription renewal. I see you all the time”

“Oh, ok! Here I am thinkin’ you musta seen me on TV coolin’ Kanye and ‘em”

“You wish” she smiled and said softly, “So, are you going to help me?”

“Well, if you had been here fifteen minutes earlier, I woulda done it for you,” I responded

Crushed, she rested both elbows on the counter, cupped her face in her palms, “pleeease,” she whispered.

Shawtie had a look on her face, the kinda look a lil girl would give an evil uncle who’s refused to let her have some Hershey’s (chocolate).

“Ah! You’re tryna blackmail a brotha wit that look, aren’t you?” I said in mock horror

Batting her fake ass lashes, “Nooo!” she giggled, “Besides, the security lady said if I talk to you nicely that you might help”

“Ok, Lemme see what I can do. Give me your national id and write your phone number down on that, “I said, Slidin’ her a lil piece of paper.

20 Minutes Later

Everythin’ done, Ms. Tall was happy, lookin’ every inch a satisfied customer that she was. I got the feelin’ I’d morphed from an evil chocolate hoardin’ uncle to a generous mutherfucker. She said thanks. I told her she was welcome.

“Can I ask you something?” she asked

“Oh wait, lemme guess, you want to ask me to marry you?” I teased

“Wait, let me think about it” she paused “well I thought about it and Nahhh”

“Oh ok” I covered my face and feigned sadness, “so what was it you wanted to ask”

“Why do keep such an unruly beard”

“’Cause I want to join the talibans” I quipped. “Besides, my wife and kids love it,”

“Puh-lease, you’re not even married” she hissed

Before she scooped her bag gracefully from the counter to leave, she handed me a folded lil piece of paper she’d written somethin’ on. I unfolded it and for a second, my jaws dropped. I picked ‘em up quickly and acted like a boss would; I smiled. She winked, turned and sashayed out the door.

Thursday

15 August

18:39

I stood in front of one of the huge open fridges at Pick N Pack shop (a supermarket); nonchalantly singin’ John Mayer’s waiting for the world to change, contemplatin’ what brand of butter I should cop. Truth is, I was makin’ calculations in my head, tryin’ to see if I have enough for the brand I wanted and two loaves of freshly baked bread.

“Hi there” a female voice pulled me out of my contemplation. I turned around slowly (couldn’t turn my neck, shit’s been stiff for weeks now) and bam, it was the girl from a month ago, the one who left me a jaw-droppin’ note! There she was, she and her friend and a cart filled wit groceries.

“Look at you, standin’ there, singin’ to the fridge?” she said with a smirk

I told her I was groomin’ my ass for the day I’ll become a rock star performin’ to a packed out stadium. She laughed and introduced me to her friend. We said the customary nice to ya. As we parted a few minutes later, she puts her hand to the side of her face, pinky to mouth, thumb to ear, mimicking a telephone and said, “Make use of that note”

Outro

Oh yeah, about the note…what’s the biggie about the doggone note anyways, you ask? Well, there’s really no big deal if you’re a magic Don Juan like me…nah, am jus playin’. On a Don Juan scale, I don’t even measure. Lol

The note says “something tells me u and me will fuck someday. Call me”

My jaws were justified for fallin’, right? I mean, shit like don’t happen every day to an average Joe. Except your name is Usher, you jus don’t get females droppin’ notes like that on ya, do you? I don’t think so.

What did I do wit the number and the note? I tore it the moment she walked out the door. Now, I know alotta head-shakers might not believe I did that but that’s the true story right there.

Why did I tear the note? Well, business and pleasure don’t usually mix well and I knew if I kept the note, then there was every possibility that a nigga might make use of the number.

Now, no prize for guessin’ that if I’d shaken that tall tree jus a tiny bit, alil somethin’ somethin’ juicy would have fallen.