BLUE TO THE HEAD

Today

Monday

28 May

00:05

I’ve heard and read so many stories about Afghanistan and Afghans and I can say without paintin’ over the ugly truth wit’ some pretty colors that none of those stories are good...they are fuckin’ grim!

Every time I turn around, there’s always a young man tryin’ to blow up and I don’t mean the empty hip hop type braggacio rappers throw around on their records, I mean, a suicide vested dude actually goin’ ka-boom on that ass! Yep, no props, no stuntmen or CGIs (computer generated images) jus’ a real life young man blowin’ himself up and snuffing the breath out of tens of innocent and not so innocent folks in the process ( which is essentially the point, kill people and blame the damn thing on jihad).

Every other top of the hour news story usually has some afghan flavor sprinkled all over it. Somethin’ tells me before I finish puttin’ this lil’ blog together, some bearded motherfucker wit grenade hidden in his turban will run toward a major gatherin’ of tribal leaders or some NATO forces and go, yeah, you already guessed it, ka-boom on that ass!

A Warrin’ People

I can bet my fortune, the whole twenty billion dollars of it that very few of y’all have ever took the time to read up on Afghanistan, right?

What, is somebody raisin’ their eyebrows at the mention of my billion dollar loot? Doubt no more, you Thomas, the fortune’s still in the future and I promise you, I’ll make it!

Wit’ a population of around 30 million, Afghanistan is the 42^ndmost populous nation in the world. The population figure is most definitely js a rough estimate ‘cause no census has been conducted up in there since 1979…that’s thirty three years if y’all do that math.

These guys have been warrin’ in the last three decades, matter of fact, as at 8^th of May 2012, the death per 1000 stands at 14.59 deaths! Mind blowin’ shit, huh? Here’s some’ else I found, 75% of the total populations of Afghanistan are not Afghans! Do I know that for a fact? Nah, I stole that from the CIA website! Ah!

Saturday

20 December 2008

Kabul

22:15

A young man in his late twenties, clearly western despite wrappin’ his face up in a black and white checked turban made his way through a large opium field wit his afghan companion (that’s a cash crop right there, Afghanistan is the largest producer of opium in the world), they came to a stop at a black back gate (if you could call it that) of a relatively big compound, tapped on it three times, the gate opened, revealin’ a wiry middle aged man who beckoned them toward a room near the right side of a one bungalow. Ten afghans tribal leaders were waitin’ when the two visitors were ushered in.

The western man spoke while his afghan companion translated, fifteen minutes later, the meeting was over and they headed out and slipped into the young night from whence they came.

Now, what I left out in this lil get-together was a lil package that got exchanged and nope, it’s not what you’re thinkin’. I guarantee you that.

Wednesday

16 May

Kabul Open Market

13:43

Here, jus like any other open markets anywhere in this big assed world, prices are relatively low and you can get almost anythin’ you want. And oh, don’t be fooled by the word “open” in the name ‘course a lot of secret/illegal shit that could possibly go down in a black market does go down here…in the “open”!

Take for example the bearded young man standin’ close to a table sellin’ painkillers and shit, on the face of it, nothin’ seemed out of place until you take a closer look and noticed that it was men that sidles up to him. But then again, that’s not strange in a muslim country where dicks and pussies don’t parley in public. What raises eyebrow is the swiftness wit which “pharmacist” and customers lock palms with each other and business is done before you could blink! And nope, it’s not what you’re thinkin’. I guarantee you that.

Outro

01:10

The afghan government (whatever that means, course Mr. Karzai seems to always be in constant battle for the soul of the country wit the Talibans) allows the importation of up to two million Viagra pills every year but they believe that what enters the country illegally is probably more than double the amount-which means afghan man are consuming around four million or more Viagra pills per year.

Juxtapose the estimated adult male population of Afghanistan of around 9 million wit over 4 million blue pills and tell me what you think.

Ah ha, three decades of constantly watchin’ your back and dodgin’ bullets can make a man lose the will or forget how to work up an erection, or can’t it? And yeah, there must be enough erection to go round four wives or more cause you can hardly find a one wife kinda man in this neck of the wood.

Here’s another one y’all didn’t know, CIA’s (as far back as ‘08) has been slippin’ them Afghan tribal leaders those blue pills as bribe!

I think I might have finally found my callin’ and a way to make that twenty billion dollars I talked about earlier, and jus incase I don’t blog again in the next three months, do not panic, am pro’ly somewhere in Kabul doin’ good bi’ness wit the Pashtus, the Daris or the Talibans.