BLUE TO THE HEAD

Today

Monday

28 May

00:05

I’ve heard and read so many stories about Afghanistan and Afghans and I can say without paintin’ over the ugly truth wit’ some pretty colors that none of those stories are good...they are fuckin’ grim!

Every time I turn around, there’s always a young man tryin’ to blow up and I don’t mean the empty hip hop type braggacio rappers throw around on their records, I mean, a suicide vested dude actually goin’ ka-boom on that ass! Yep, no props, no stuntmen or CGIs (computer generated images) jus’ a real life young man blowin’ himself up and snuffing the breath out of tens of innocent and not so innocent folks in the process ( which is essentially the point, kill people and blame the damn thing on jihad).

Every other top of the hour news story usually has some afghan flavor sprinkled all over it. Somethin’ tells me before I finish puttin’ this lil’ blog together, some bearded motherfucker wit grenade hidden in his turban will run toward a major gatherin’ of tribal leaders or some NATO forces and go, yeah, you already guessed it, ka-boom on that ass!

A Warrin’ People

I can bet my fortune, the whole twenty billion dollars of it that very few of y’all have ever took the time to read up on Afghanistan, right?

What, is somebody raisin’ their eyebrows at the mention of my billion dollar loot? Doubt no more, you Thomas, the fortune’s still in the future and I promise you, I’ll make it!

Wit’ a population of around 30 million, Afghanistan is the 42^ndmost populous nation in the world. The population figure is most definitely js a rough estimate ‘cause no census has been conducted up in there since 1979…that’s thirty three years if y’all do that math.

These guys have been warrin’ in the last three decades, matter of fact, as at 8^th of May 2012, the death per 1000 stands at 14.59 deaths! Mind blowin’ shit, huh? Here’s some’ else I found, 75% of the total populations of Afghanistan are not Afghans! Do I know that for a fact? Nah, I stole that from the CIA website! Ah!

Saturday

20 December 2008

Kabul

22:15

A young man in his late twenties, clearly western despite wrappin’ his face up in a black and white checked turban made his way through a large opium field wit his afghan companion (that’s a cash crop right there, Afghanistan is the largest producer of opium in the world), they came to a stop at a black back gate (if you could call it that) of a relatively big compound, tapped on it three times, the gate opened, revealin’ a wiry middle aged man who beckoned them toward a room near the right side of a one bungalow. Ten afghans tribal leaders were waitin’ when the two visitors were ushered in.

The western man spoke while his afghan companion translated, fifteen minutes later, the meeting was over and they headed out and slipped into the young night from whence they came.

Now, what I left out in this lil get-together was a lil package that got exchanged and nope, it’s not what you’re thinkin’. I guarantee you that.

Wednesday

16 May

Kabul Open Market

13:43

Here, jus like any other open markets anywhere in this big assed world, prices are relatively low and you can get almost anythin’ you want. And oh, don’t be fooled by the word “open” in the name ‘course a lot of secret/illegal shit that could possibly go down in a black market does go down here…in the “open”!

Take for example the bearded young man standin’ close to a table sellin’ painkillers and shit, on the face of it, nothin’ seemed out of place until you take a closer look and noticed that it was men that sidles up to him. But then again, that’s not strange in a muslim country where dicks and pussies don’t parley in public. What raises eyebrow is the swiftness wit which “pharmacist” and customers lock palms with each other and business is done before you could blink! And nope, it’s not what you’re thinkin’. I guarantee you that.

Outro

01:10

The afghan government (whatever that means, course Mr. Karzai seems to always be in constant battle for the soul of the country wit the Talibans) allows the importation of up to two million Viagra pills every year but they believe that what enters the country illegally is probably more than double the amount-which means afghan man are consuming around four million or more Viagra pills per year.

Juxtapose the estimated adult male population of Afghanistan of around 9 million wit over 4 million blue pills and tell me what you think.

Ah ha, three decades of constantly watchin’ your back and dodgin’ bullets can make a man lose the will or forget how to work up an erection, or can’t it? And yeah, there must be enough erection to go round four wives or more cause you can hardly find a one wife kinda man in this neck of the wood.

Here’s another one y’all didn’t know, CIA’s (as far back as ‘08) has been slippin’ them Afghan tribal leaders those blue pills as bribe!

I think I might have finally found my callin’ and a way to make that twenty billion dollars I talked about earlier, and jus incase I don’t blog again in the next three months, do not panic, am pro’ly somewhere in Kabul doin’ good bi’ness wit the Pashtus, the Daris or the Talibans.

BLUE TO THE HEAD

Today

Monday

28 May

00:05

I’ve heard and read so many stories about Afghanistan and Afghans and I can say without paintin’ over the ugly truth wit’ some pretty colors that none of those stories are good...they are fuckin’ grim!

Every time I turn around, there’s always a young man tryin’ to blow up and I don’t mean the empty hip hop type braggacio rappers throw around on their records, I mean, a suicide vested dude actually goin’ ka-boom on that ass! Yep, no props, no stuntmen or CGIs (computer generated images) jus’ a real life young man blowin’ himself up and snuffing the breath out of tens of innocent and not so innocent folks in the process ( which is essentially the point, kill people and blame the damn thing on jihad).

Every other top of the hour news story usually has some afghan flavor sprinkled all over it. Somethin’ tells me before I finish puttin’ this lil’ blog together, some bearded motherfucker wit grenade hidden in his turban will run toward a major gatherin’ of tribal leaders or some NATO forces and go, yeah, you already guessed it, ka-boom on that ass!

A Warrin’ People

I can bet my fortune, the whole twenty billion dollars of it that very few of y’all have ever took the time to read up on Afghanistan, right?

What, is somebody raisin’ their eyebrows at the mention of my billion dollar loot? Doubt no more, you Thomas, the fortune’s still in the future and I promise you, I’ll make it!

Wit’ a population of around 30 million, Afghanistan is the 42^nd most populous nation in the world. The population figure is most definitely js a rough estimate ‘cause no census has been conducted up in there since 1979…that’s thirty three years if y’all do that math.

These guys have been warrin’ in the last three decades, matter of fact, as at 8^th of May 2012, the death per 1000 stands at 14.59 deaths! Mind blowin’ shit, huh? Here’s some’ else I found, 75% of the total populations of Afghanistan are not Afghans! Do I know that for a fact? Nah, I stole that from the CIA website! Ah!

Saturday

20 December 2008

Kabul

22:15

A young man in his late twenties, clearly western despite wrappin’ his face up in a black and white checked turban made his way through a large opium field wit his afghan companion (that’s a cash crop right there, Afghanistan is the largest producer of opium in the world), they came to a stop at a black back gate (if you could call it that) of a relatively big compound, tapped on it three times, the gate opened, revealin’ a wiry middle aged man who beckoned them toward a room near the right side of a one bungalow. Ten afghans tribal leaders were waitin’ when the two visitors were ushered in.

The western man spoke while his afghan companion translated, fifteen minutes later, the meeting was over and they headed out and slipped into the young night from whence they came.

Now, what I left out in this lil get-together was a lil package that got exchanged and nope, it’s not what you’re thinkin’. I guarantee you that.

Wednesday

16 May

Kabul Open Market

13:43

Here, jus like any other open markets anywhere in this big assed world, prices are relatively low and you can get almost anythin’ you want. And oh, don’t be fooled by the word “open” in the name ‘course a lot of secret/illegal shit that could possibly go down in a black market does go down here…in the “open”!

Take for example the bearded young man standin’ close to a table sellin’ painkillers and shit, on the face of it, nothin’ seemed out of place until you take a closer look and noticed that it was men that sidles up to him. But then again, that’s not strange in a muslim country where dicks and pussies don’t parley in public. What raises eyebrow is the swiftness wit which “pharmacist” and customers lock palms with each other and business is done before you could blink! And nope, it’s not what you’re thinkin’. I guarantee you that.

Outro

01:10

The afghan government (whatever that means, course Mr. Karzai seems to always be in constant battle for the soul of the country wit the Talibans) allows the importation of up to two million Viagra pills every year but they believe that what enters the country illegally is probably more than double the amount-which means afghan man are consuming around four million or more Viagra pills per year.

Juxtapose the estimated adult male population of Afghanistan of around 9 million wit over 4 million blue pills and tell me what you think.

Ah ha, three decades of constantly watchin’ your back and dodgin’ bullets can make a man lose the will or forget how to work up an erection, or can’t it? And yeah, there must be enough erection to go round four wives or more cause you can hardly find a one wife kinda man in this neck of the wood.

Here’s another one y’all didn’t know, CIA’s (as far back as ‘08) has been slippin’ them Afghan tribal leaders those blue pills as bribe!

I think I might have finally found my callin’ and a way to make that twenty billion dollars I talked about earlier, and jus incase I don’t blog again in the next three months, do not panic, am pro’ly somewhere in Kabul doin’ good bi’ness wit the Pashtus, the Daris or the Talibans.

A SERIES OF UNRELATED INCIDENTS

Sunday Morning

May 20

11:05

Somewhere…

Am not sure I can remember the words of the song playin’ in the background correctly, but they were some’ like

“I give you myself

You can use me”

The piano was mournful but the song was happy and soft. I was hearin’ it for the first time but I was already hummin’ the tune by the second “heard” (if there’s word like that) and that right there is one of the hallmarks of a memorable song.

“Ba ba bay bay, oh god oh god” she said again and again, moaning and shakin’ in a slow dervish motion

I tried to look into her eyes but they were closed as her body vibrated.

“Oh god oh god” she continued as if I wasn’t there, rubbing her body against mine. I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up! Damn, didn’t she know a nigga was trying to concentrate too? But bein’ the considerate man that I am, I held back cause I didn’t want to ruin her high.

“Oooh, oh God,” she continued, whippin’ her “hair” in my face.

Saturday Night

May 19

22:23

At a Pub Somewhere Else…

83^rdminute and Bayern Munich’s Thomas Muller had jus headed home a potential winner against Chelsea wit 7 minutes left on the clock, Barney shouted with great delight from across the table, trying to get heard over the deafenin’ DJ Khalid’s All I Do Win joint booming out the speakers, “your pastor lied!”

“My pastor?” I was amused

He took a swig of his beer, ‘’Ah ha, I knew your pastor was liar,’’ he gloated. His big eyes seemed to grow even bigger wit mirth as he looked at me wit that I-told-you-so look.

I mean, me and this dude are friends (well, kinda) but we’ve never sat down to talk theology or religion front men. We’ve talked pussy and money but never a religion personality.

And of course, I knew who he was talking about but what the fuck, how’s that nigga my pastor? Okay, we are from the same neck of the wood (Nigeria), so what? I mean, I have never met the man or been to his church.

Oh wait, I’ve been to his church once before but it was for somethin’ totally unrelated to gettin’ my worship on or askin’ for a prophecy or some’. I was there wit’ a friend of mine to see a five-oh.

I told Barney the game’s not ended yet so the prophecy might still come true

Friday

May 18

10:39

From the vantage point on the counter where I was perched, I noticed the man but I didn’t really pay his no mind cause I was too busy wit my phone and I noticed he was busy wit his too…two of them, a Nokia and a Samsung and both were touch screen, top of the range shit. This cat was dark and built like a pro rugby player. He had on a navy blue hoodie over faded blue jeans.

Five minutes after I first noticed him, I heard him cussed, loudly. I looked his way; his eyes were glued to the Samsung and saw that both his hands were shakin’ like a drug addict needin’ a fix. My sensors immediately went on alert, call me nosey but I sensed a story in there somewhere, I asked if everthin’ was honky dory and would you believe it, it was as if a floodgate was flung wide open, nigga opened up to me like a confessor would to a father! It’s strange how people tend to open up to me, I mean, I don’t have that trustin’ angel face or anythin’ like that…must be that I have that je ne se quoi!

“Men, I can’t believe my wife has been cheating on me,” he said through clenched teeth

“Whoa!” I exclaimed

“Yes!” His voice sounded like a croak, like some’ was lodge in his throat.

I guess that’s what it sound like when a grown ass man is broken, huh?

“Am sorry, man,” I consoled.

He shook his head and looked at the Samsung phone in his right hand again.

“How’d you find out?” I prodded, givin’ the man an understandin’ look, well at least, what I thought to be an understandin’ look.

In my head, I was like fuck it, I don’t even have a wife, how could I possibly understand what this nigga was goin’ through but hey, I gotta do what I gotta to do to get this tale outta him.

“My wife’s phone, he raised the Samsung, had battery problem. I bought her a new battery but it wasn’t the right one. She suggested I take the phone wit me to town so that there won’t be any more mistake wit the size,” he paused and shook his head again

I wore my saddest look, nodded urgin’ him on

“After I got the right battery I charged it and tried to test it. Then I got curious and put my sim (the wife had removed her) and that was I discovered all the lurid text between my wife and her boyfriends,” I looked into his eyes and they were red. “I called one of the boyfriend and asked him if he knew the woman he was messing around with was married”

“And what’d he say?” I asked

“He said yes and that I should go and talk to my wife instead of bothering him”

I shook my head slowly from side to side as if am in pain

Even though I genuinely was concerned about this man’s agony, I was thinkin’ about y’all, I was fuckin’ hitchin’ to beat you guys over the head wit this true life betrayal!

Back to Saturday Night

22:28

Birney was stunned; his big eyes blew up five times bigger wit incredulity, Didier Drogba had jus rose in the air and powered in an equilizer!

Nigga couldn’t believe his eyes; I was bangin on the table and crackin’. Birney was eatin’his words, alphabet for alphabet.

“Who’s the liar now,” I roared

Sunday

11:15

Soon as we got done, I couldn’t wait to get away from this woman and her bleached out skin, I mean, i understand the concept of love your neighbor and shit but right at that moment while we were kneelin’ there at the alter prayin’, I wasn’t buyin’ into that concept.

Oh, what were you guys thinkin’? I knew what y’all be thinkin’? Dirty minds! Lmao!

Outro

I don’t care if we we’re in church or club, rubbin’ skin or touchin’ a fool who’s got her skin bleached is somethin’ I can’t and I wont condone. God will understand, am sure. He created us beautiful, why fuck it up?

My boy Birney (he’s south African, by the way) left the pub the without tellin’ me...nigga snuck out in shame, I assumed he went home to lick his wound and his words.

I understand that there are many Men Of Dog frontin’ out there like Men Of God and there’s every tendency for us to want some of these guys to get there prophecies wrong so that we can laugh in their faces and tell our folks like "I knew it. I knew that was fake" but hey, it's not up to us to do times job for it...time will flush out the real from the fake, trust me.

As for the stranger who confided in me, he seemed to have made up his mind bout cuttin’ his loses and was determined to head for the hill wit' what's left of his manliness. Told me he's given up on the marriage when i tried tellin' him to sit the woman down and kick some harsh word in her ears. Said he will be headin’ back to Mozambique where he’s been slavin’ his ass off to take care of the wife, oh I mean, ex wife!

As he headed toward the greyhound bus where his soon to be ex mother in law was waitin’ (the woman had no idea what storm was about to erupt), he thanked me for listenin’.

A SERIES OF UNRELATED INCIDENTS

Sunday Morning

May 20

11:05

Somewhere…

Am not sure I can remember the words of the song playin’ in the background correctly, but they were some’ like

“I give you myself

You can use me”

The piano was mournful but the song was happy and soft. I was hearin’ it for the first time but I was already hummin’ the tune by the second “heard” (if there’s word like that) and that right there is one of the hallmarks of a memorable song.

“Ba ba bay bay, oh god oh god” she said again and again, moaning and shakin’ in a slow dervish motion

I tried to look into her eyes but they were closed as her body vibrated.

“Oh god oh god” she continued as if I wasn’t there, rubbing her body against mine. I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up! Damn, didn’t she know a nigga was trying to concentrate too? But bein’ the considerate man that I am, I held back cause I didn’t want to ruin her high.

“Oooh, oh God,” she continued, whippin’ her “hair” in my face.

Saturday Night

May 19

22:23

At a Pub Somewhere Else…

83^rd minute and Bayern Munich’s Thomas Muller had jus headed home a potential winner against Chelsea wit 7 minutes left on the clock, Barney shouted with great delight from across the table, trying to get heard over the deafenin’ DJ Khalid’s All I Do Win joint booming out the speakers, “your pastor lied!”

“My pastor?” I was amused

He took a swig of his beer, ‘’Ah ha, I knew your pastor was liar,’’ he gloated. His big eyes seemed to grow even bigger wit mirth as he looked at me wit that I-told-you-so look.

I mean, me and this dude are friends (well, kinda) but we’ve never sat down to talk theology or religion front men. We’ve talked pussy and money but never a religion personality.

And of course, I knew who he was talking about but what the fuck, how’s that nigga my pastor? Okay, we are from the same neck of the wood (Nigeria), so what? I mean, I have never met the man or been to his church.

Oh wait, I’ve been to his church once before but it was for somethin’ totally unrelated to gettin’ my worship on or askin’ for a prophecy or some’. I was there wit’ a friend of mine to see a five-oh.

I told Barney the game’s not ended yet so the prophecy might still come true

Friday

May 18

10:39

From the vantage point on the counter where I was perched, I noticed the man but I didn’t really pay his no mind cause I was too busy wit my phone and I noticed he was busy wit his too…two of them, a Nokia and a Samsung and both were touch screen, top of the range shit. This cat was dark and built like a pro rugby player. He had on a navy blue hoodie over faded blue jeans.

Five minutes after I first noticed him, I heard him cussed, loudly. I looked his way; his eyes were glued to the Samsung and saw that both his hands were shakin’ like a drug addict needin’ a fix. My sensors immediately went on alert, call me nosey but I sensed a story in there somewhere, I asked if everthin’ was honky dory and would you believe it, it was as if a floodgate was flung wide open, nigga opened up to me like a confessor would to a father! It’s strange how people tend to open up to me, I mean, I don’t have that trustin’ angel face or anythin’ like that…must be that I have that je ne se quoi!

“Men, I can’t believe my wife has been cheating on me,” he said through clenched teeth

“Whoa!” I exclaimed

“Yes!” His voice sounded like a croak, like some’ was lodge in his throat.

I guess that’s what it sound like when a grown ass man is broken, huh?

“Am sorry, man,” I consoled.

He shook his head and looked at the Samsung phone in his right hand again.

“How’d you find out?” I prodded, givin’ the man an understandin’ look, well at least, what I thought to be an understandin’ look.

In my head, I was like fuck it, I don’t even have a wife, how could I possibly understand what this nigga was goin’ through but hey, I gotta do what I gotta to do to get this tale outta him.

“My wife’s phone, he raised the Samsung, had battery problem. I bought her a new battery but it wasn’t the right one. She suggested I take the phone wit me to town so that there won’t be any more mistake wit the size,” he paused and shook his head again

I wore my saddest look, nodded urgin’ him on

“After I got the right battery I charged it and tried to test it. Then I got curious and put my sim (the wife had removed her) and that was I discovered all the lurid text between my wife and her boyfriends,” I looked into his eyes and they were red. “I called one of the boyfriend and asked him if he knew the woman he was messing around with was married”

“And what’d he say?” I asked

“He said yes and that I should go and talk to my wife instead of bothering him”

I shook my head slowly from side to side as if am in pain

Even though I genuinely was concerned about this man’s agony, I was thinkin’ about y’all, I was fuckin’ hitchin’ to beat you guys over the head wit this true life betrayal!

Back to Saturday Night

22:28

Birney was stunned; his big eyes blew up five times bigger wit incredulity, Didier Drogba had jus rose in the air and powered in an equilizer!

Nigga couldn’t believe his eyes; I was bangin on the table and crackin’. Birney was eatin’his words, alphabet for alphabet.

“Who’s the liar now,” I roared

Sunday

11:15

Soon as we got done, I couldn’t wait to get away from this woman and her bleached out skin, I mean, i understand the concept of love your neighbor and shit but right at that moment while we were kneelin’ there at the alter prayin’, I wasn’t buyin’ into that concept.

Oh, what were you guys thinkin’? I knew what y’all be thinkin’? Dirty minds! Lmao!

Outro

I don’t care if we we’re in church or club, rubbin’ skin or touchin’ a fool who’s got her skin bleached is somethin’ I can’t and I wont condone. God will understand, am sure. He created us beautiful, why fuck it up?

My boy Birney (he’s south African, by the way) left the pub the without tellin’ me...nigga snuck out in shame, I assumed he went home to lick his wound and his words.

I understand that there are many Men Of Dog frontin’ out there like Men Of God and there’s every tendency for us to want some of these guys to get there prophecies wrong so that we can laugh in their faces and tell our folks like "I knew it. I knew that was fake" but hey, it's not up to us to do times job for it...time will flush out the real from the fake, trust me.

As for the stranger who confided in me, he seemed to have made up his mind bout cuttin’ his loses and was determined to head for the hill wit' what's left of his manliness. Told me he's given up on the marriage when i tried tellin' him to sit the woman down and kick some harsh word in her ears. Said he will be headin’ back to Mozambique where he’s been slavin’ his ass off to take care of the wife, oh I mean, ex wife!

As he headed toward the greyhound bus where his soon to be ex mother in law was waitin’ (the woman had no idea what storm was about to erupt), he thanked me for listenin’.

UGLY IS NUTHIN' WHEN

UGLY IS NUTHIN' WHEN YOU GOT MONEY.

"UGLY IS NUTHIN' WHEN YOU GOT MONEY"

PRIAPISM

Saturday

May 12

03:55

I left several messages for my friend but the dude jus wouldn’t reply or return the calls. I was so fuckin’ worried and considerin’ that I wasn’t really a worrying-man then my concern must be for a damn good reason. See, ever since the story broke that my friend was hitting a big-time multi-national company wit a lawsuit; I thought to myself, this could be the huge pay day we’ve been dreamin’ about, a good one way ticket to easy street and it’d be nice to tag along for the ride!

After readin’ the full gist of the suit I began to have doubts (truth is, I doubted the whole gig from the get-go) cause there were yawnin’ holes in it. I had a feelin’ that even the late great Johnny Cochran on his best day wouldn’t be able to pluck them holes!

At exactly 17:55 out in the west coast of the United States, I tried hittin’ my friend up on the celly again and what would you know, he answered jus when I was about to press the end button

“Sup, old fren’?” he said gruffly

“Fuck you,” I retorted feigning anger

“That woulda been cool if I got a pussy but unfortunately I got the same tool as you and I know we don’t do the backdoors, old fren”

“Nah, speak for yourself,” I said. “I do the backdoor but not jus backdoors like mine”

 “True that, true that, old friend,” he concurred

“What the fuck is up wit this old friend routine?” I added, “I’ve been blowin’ up your cell phone for the past week and now your punk ass wanna act like we’re strangers, huh?”

He laughed so loudly I had to take the cell phone away from my ear and put the damn thing on speaker before I lose an eardrum.

“You got jokes, son” he managed between laughs, “and yeah, I know why your ass been callin’ ”

“Damn well you do and might wanna listen good as I kick knowledge in your ear hole”

Wednesday

May 9

02:23

It was my birthday and my phone wouldn’t access facebook! What? That’s like bein’ left in Alcatraz all by yourself! Ok, that’s an exaggeration but y’all already know I do that sometime, right?

Since I couldn’t get on FB, I fell back to an old habit, somethin’ I used to do way before the invasion of the world by them alien gadgets known as internet enabled cell phones. See, back in the old days when I couldn’t get a wink, I’d turn the radio on and stay up all night flippin’ through the dictionary (I love discoverin’ new words), checkin’ out words I’d jotted down on tiny piece of papers (I still do that, by the way) from novel and magazines I’d read but nowadays, I can’t even remember the last time I held a dictionary in my hand…well, at least not a hard copy.

Luckily for me on this night, hope wasn’t completely lost cause I could get on Google. I fished out a small piece of paper (it was actually a receipt I’d gotten from the mall for somethin’ I bought) from the Robin Cook medical thriller I was readin’, checked the things I’d written behind it and started googlin’ and wikipedia’ing.

Talkin’ about old habits, those words I jotted on the back of the receipt were so tiny, if your sight wasn’t good enough you might mistook them for a bunch of BS, and that my friends, was exactly the point.

Back when I was in school, there was somethin’ we called “chips” and nope, am not talkin’ about computer chips or potato chips.lol…chips are points written down on small pieces of paper wit the intention smugglin’ ‘em into the examination hall to help boost your memory.

Oh, is that cheatin’? hmmm, I didn’t know!

03:10

I almost overlooked the word cause I’d had difficulty makin’ out what I’d written but after givin’ it a long stare, I fin’lly figured the mutherfucker out, the word was PRIAPISM. Aha! I thought so, none of you truants have heard the word before!

I handed the word over to Google and it threw up some educative shit…

“Priapism is a potentially painful medical condition, in which the erect penis or clitoris does not return to its flaccid state.”

“It is a persistent, usually painful erection that lasts for more than four hours and occurs without sexual stimulation”

“Priapism occurs when the blood that fills an erect penis becomes trapped and unable to return to circulation.” NHS

Somethin’ tells me some of the cats readin’ this piece are actually wishin’ to experience this phenomenon, right? You are not alone, bruh. I secretly wish I could a bang a pussy for hours too, men. Wouldn’t that be awesome, huh? A sex superhero! I might even get a comic book named after me after blessin’ a million pussies wit countless hours of service. I can see it all in my head, Marvel comics present Dobs, the incredible fuck man! Then my name will be mentioned in the same breath as Spiderman and ‘em!  But then again, maybe ladies don’t need a man who can camp up in that pussy for four hours or do they?

So, can I educate your asses further by kickin’ this Priapism thing up a notch? Good!

Priapism is of two types: Venocclusive and arterial or low-flow and high-flow…from what I gathered most of the clinically presented cases are basic’lly low-flow.

Am I gettin’ through or should I jus chuck the deuces to this and move on to somethin’ else? Oh, y’all enjoyin’ it? Amazin’! So, let me jus go ahead and summarize the whole pot of soup for the lazy ones among y’all.

Basic’lly the causes of Priapism are

1 Shit could be because of the side effect taken erectile dysfunction drugs like Viagra. Also, antidepressants such as prozac and drugs like risperdal and zyprexa used in treatin’ psychotic disorders could also cause an eternal erection

2 Blood disorders like sickle cell anemia and leukemia could trigger that shit too. The unusual shapes of the red blood cells can block the flow of blood out of a rock hard dick.

3 Goin’ on a bender wit alcohol, marijuana and coke have been known to trigger Priapism.

4 Injury to the spinal cord or trauma to the genitals, the pelvis, or the perineum (the region between the base of the penis and the anus) could also cause the you-know-what.

And here’s my favorite of the lot…poisonous venom from scorpion or black widow spiders can hook a nigga up wit an epic hard on! Amazin’ shit…I would never look at spider the same way again.

Monday

April 30

Word had it that some dude said the seat on his motorcycle gave him an erection that he just couldn’t shake. He claimed that a four hour ride on his BMW motorcycle left him permanently stiff down south; a painful erection he said lasted for two years.

Outro

If Henry Wolf (the 52 year old San Francisco man who brought the law suit against BMW America and Corbin-Pacific, the aftermarket seat maker) was my friend, I’d tell him to get all the shine he can get from this 1 minute in the spotlight cause that’s all he’ll ever get from this whole production. There’s no way in the world any serious judge would even hear this case.

If Mr. Wolf was my buddy, I’d tell him that his best bet was to go and get his gigolo on but he shouldn’t waste his time wit them young girls who got none to offer but their pussies.  I’d go on and tell him to go into the world and satisfy all the rich old ladies til they die and leave him fortunes in their wills.

Only pro'lem now is, i heard Wolf is not able to work up a decent erection anymore...that old sayin' kinda comes to "make hay while the sunshine" which in this case translates to "let that erection get you all the lootyou can get before it goes limp" 

PRIAPISM

Saturday

May 12

03:55

I left several messages for my friend but the dude jus wouldn’t reply or return the calls. I was so fuckin’ worried and considerin’ that I wasn’t really a worrying-man then my concern must be for a damn good reason. See, ever since the story broke that my friend was hitting a big-time multi-national company wit a lawsuit; I thought to myself, this could be the huge pay day we’ve been dreamin’ about, a good one way ticket to easy street and it’d be nice to tag along for the ride!

After readin’ the full gist of the suit I began to have doubts (truth is, I doubted the whole gig from the get-go) cause there were yawnin’ holes in it. I had a feelin’ that even the late great Johnny Cochran on his best day wouldn’t be able to pluck them holes!

At exactly 17:55 out in the west coast of the United States, I tried hittin’ my friend up on the celly again and what would you know, he answered jus when I was about to press the end button

“Sup, old fren’?” he said gruffly

“Fuck you,” I retorted feigning anger

“That woulda been cool if I got a pussy but unfortunately I got the same tool as you and I know we don’t do the backdoors, old fren”

“Nah, speak for yourself,” I said. “I do the backdoor but not jus backdoors like mine”

 “True that, true that, old friend,” he concurred

“What the fuck is up wit this old friend routine?” I added, “I’ve been blowin’ up your cell phone for the past week and now your punk ass wanna act like we’re strangers, huh?”

He laughed so loudly I had to take the cell phone away from my ear and put the damn thing on speaker before I lose an eardrum.

“You got jokes, son” he managed between laughs, “and yeah, I know why your ass been callin’ ”

“Damn well you do and might wanna listen good as I kick knowledge in your ear hole”

Wednesday

May 9

02:23

It was my birthday and my phone wouldn’t access facebook! What? That’s like bein’ left in Alcatraz all by yourself! Ok, that’s an exaggeration but y’all already know I do that sometime, right?

Since I couldn’t get on FB, I fell back to an old habit, somethin’ I used to do way before the invasion of the world by them alien gadgets known as internet enabled cell phones. See, back in the old days when I couldn’t get a wink, I’d turn the radio on and stay up all night flippin’ through the dictionary (I love discoverin’ new words), checkin’ out words I’d jotted down on tiny piece of papers (I still do that, by the way) from novel and magazines I’d read but nowadays, I can’t even remember the last time I held a dictionary in my hand…well, at least not a hard copy.

Luckily for me on this night, hope wasn’t completely lost cause I could get on Google. I fished out a small piece of paper (it was actually a receipt I’d gotten from the mall for somethin’ I bought) from the Robin Cook medical thriller I was readin’, checked the things I’d written behind it and started googlin’ and wikipedia’ing.

Talkin’ about old habits, those words I jotted on the back of the receipt were so tiny, if your sight wasn’t good enough you might mistook them for a bunch of BS, and that my friends, was exactly the point.

Back when I was in school, there was somethin’ we called “chips” and nope, am not talkin’ about computer chips or potato chips.lol…chips are points written down on small pieces of paper wit the intention smugglin’ ‘em into the examination hall to help boost your memory.

Oh, is that cheatin’? hmmm, I didn’t know!

03:10

I almost overlooked the word cause I’d had difficulty makin’ out what I’d written but after givin’ it a long stare, I fin’lly figured the mutherfucker out, the word was PRIAPISM. Aha! I thought so, none of you truants have heard the word before!

I handed the word over to Google and it threw up some educative shit…

“Priapism is a potentially painful medical condition, in which the erect penis or clitoris does not return to its flaccid state.”

“It is a persistent, usually painful erection that lasts for more than four hours and occurs without sexual stimulation”

“Priapism occurs when the blood that fills an erect penis becomes trapped and unable to return to circulation.” NHS

Somethin’ tells me some of the cats readin’ this piece are actually wishin’ to experience this phenomenon, right? You are not alone, bruh. I secretly wish I could a bang a pussy for hours too, men. Wouldn’t that be awesome, huh? A sex superhero! I might even get a comic book named after me after blessin’ a million pussies wit countless hours of service. I can see it all in my head, Marvel comics present Dobs, the incredible fuck man! Then my name will be mentioned in the same breath as Spiderman and ‘em!  But then again, maybe ladies don’t need a man who can camp up in that pussy for four hours or do they?

So, can I educate your asses further by kickin’ this Priapism thing up a notch? Good!

Priapism is of two types: Venocclusive and arterial or low-flow and high-flow…from what I gathered most of the clinically presented cases are basic’lly low-flow.

Am I gettin’ through or should I jus chuck the deuces to this and move on to somethin’ else? Oh, y’all enjoyin’ it? Amazin’! So, let me jus go ahead and summarize the whole pot of soup for the lazy ones among y’all.

Basic’lly the causes of Priapism are

1 Shit could be because of the side effect taken erectile dysfunction drugs like Viagra. Also, antidepressants such as prozac and drugs like risperdal and zyprexa used in treatin’ psychotic disorders could also cause an eternal erection

2 Blood disorders like sickle cell anemia and leukemia could trigger that shit too. The unusual shapes of the red blood cells can block the flow of blood out of a rock hard dick.

3 Goin’ on a bender wit alcohol, marijuana and coke have been known to trigger Priapism.

4 Injury to the spinal cord or trauma to the genitals, the pelvis, or the perineum (the region between the base of the penis and the anus) could also cause the you-know-what.

And here’s my favorite of the lot…poisonous venom from scorpion or black widow spiders can hook a nigga up wit an epic hard on! Amazin’ shit…I would never look at spider the same way again.

Monday

April 30

Word had it that some dude said the seat on his motorcycle gave him an erection that he just couldn’t shake. He claimed that a four hour ride on his BMW motorcycle left him permanently stiff down south; a painful erection he said lasted for two years.

Outro

If Henry Wolf (the 52 year old San Francisco man who brought the law suit against BMW America and Corbin-Pacific, the aftermarket seat maker) was my friend, I’d tell him to get all the shine he can get from this 1 minute in the spotlight cause that’s all he’ll ever get from this whole production. There’s no way in the world any serious judge would even hear this case.

If Mr. Wolf was my buddy, I’d tell him that his best bet was to go and get his gigolo on but he shouldn’t waste his time wit them young girls who got none to offer but their pussies.  I’d go on and tell him to go into the world and satisfy all the rich old ladies til they die and leave him fortunes in their wills.

Only pro'lem now is, i heard Wolf is not able to work up a decent erection anymore...that old sayin' kinda comes to "make hay while the sunshine" which in this case translates to "let that erection get you all the lootyou can get before it goes limp" 

SLEEPIN' IS GOOD TRAININ'

SLEEPIN' IS A GOOD TRAININ' FOR DEATH.

"SLEEPIN' IS A GOOD TRAININ' FOR DEATH"

SEEIN' THE TRUTH

"SEEIN' THE TRUTH HAS GOT NADA TO DO WIT' HAVIN' BOTH EYES"

"SEEIN' THE TRUTH HAS GOT NADA TO DO WIT' HAVIN' BOTH EYES"

SECRETS ARE SWEETER

"SECRETS ARE SWEETER WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE KNOWS ABOUT 'EM"

"SECRETS ARE SWEETER WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE KNOWS ABOUT 'EM"

DOLL

May 4

Friday

03:29

What If some rich person, broke you off a lil change, would you take it and what would you do wit’ it?

Huh, what did you say? It depends?

Ok then, let me rephrase the question, if that boy Slim (as in the Mexican Carlos Slim, the world’s richest man…he got $68.8 Billion, by the way) hook your ass up wit say, six thousand dollars, what will you do wit it? What would you spend on after getting’ your basic needs?

Oh! I see alotta these ladies lookin’ into space right now, imaginin’ their asses sashayin’ down some high fashion street with them expensive couture bags in tow. And yep, some of you guys pro’ly thinkin’ how you gon buy some expensive wheels and you gon’ impress…well, snap out of it, Mr. Slim is not goin’ to give you nada anytime soon. Lol!

May 3

Thursday

09:00

Beijing

What’s the population of china again? 1.5 billion?

In a country of 1.5 billion humans you know there’s gotta be some freaky shit goin’ down between every sheets, every back alleys, every dimly lit back rooms and so on and so on, right? There’s no way you can have that many people if sex is not one of the main thing on the menu.

I’ve been thinkin’ of China a lot lately, you know? Like why can’t Prime Minister Wen Jiabao jus intervene in the case of the blind activist Cheng who managed to escape house arrest on the noses of the all-seeing communist po-pos guardin’ his crib. Ain’t it funny how a blind man could slip through and made his way to the US embassy to hide away for about a week (he left the embassy yesterday after the Chinese authority threatened to beat his fam to death if he doesn’t give himself up, so he claimed). This nigga embarrassed the communist party real big!

What, I should stop wit the tale and tell the truth why am talkin’ Chinese politics?

Oh, why’d you guys always think I got ulterior motives when I tell a story, huh?

Ok okay, you got me. I got a lil hidden agenda for draggin’ your asses to China wit me on this one… that lil secret is called China Doll! But then again, there’s more. Ah ha!

04:45

China Dolls

What do you know about that, huh?

Believe it or not, china dolls do not come from china. Here’s what I found from my lil intellectual research…googling and Wikipedia-ing is an intellectual endeavor, isn’t it?

“Collectors used the term for a doll made partially or wholly of glazed porcelain. The name comes from china being used to refer to the material porcelain. Antique CD were predominately produced in Germany between 1840 and 1940, beginning in the mid 20^thcentury reproduction of CD of various quality were produced in Japan and United States.”

A Month Ago

I came across a story about a doll that costs over $6,000

I punched these key words and questions “sex doll” “how much is a silicone sex doll” “where can I get real silicone sex doll” and guess what Google coughed out for me?

A lot of pictures and sites and stuff but one common denominator in all the search result was china! Yup, I know a lot of you aren’t too surprised but it kinda jerk my mind back to why they china has its own special doll…china doll!

Man Doll

Like I was sayin’, bout a month ago, I came across a silicon man doll a.k.a sex doll with a skin texture 99.8% similar to human’s, flexible, built-in skeleton, real feeling! Thing is, if you want one of these babies, it’d set your doll-loving ass back a cool $6,000!

Do the math in your currency. And I dare say that forkin’ out that ridiculous sum for a piece of silicone pussy might jus be worth it for those who swing that way. The little darling’s got tons of sensors that makes her moves with every rhythm you bring.

What, do I have one?

Nope, why’d you ask?

Oh, cause I talk about it like I’ve tested it?

Nah, I haven’t and I’m not about to even if I was given one as a freebie.

Ok, wait for this…the freakin’ doll can fucking moan!

Maybe the guys that came up with this shit even threw in a program that will make it moan you’re your name!

Checkin’ out the advantages,

No nagging. No periodicals, it’s all month, no blood. Nobody gon be singin’ in your ear the “I missed my period” song. No headaches. No tiredness although you may have to change batteries and shit…

Outro

somethin tells me that our silicon man-doll could also be the death of you and the COD like Horatio Caine and Them CSIs would say (cause of death) might jus be electrocution…imagine that! Fittin, huh?