Saturday, May 12, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
DOLL
May 4
Friday
03:29
What If some rich person, broke you off a lil change, would you take it and what would you do wit’ it?
Huh, what did you say? It depends?
Ok then, let me rephrase the question, if that boy Slim (as in the Mexican Carlos Slim, the world’s richest man…he got $68.8 Billion, by the way) hook your ass up wit say, six thousand dollars, what will you do wit it? What would you spend on after getting’ your basic needs?
Oh! I see alotta these ladies lookin’ into space right now, imaginin’ their asses sashayin’ down some high fashion street with them expensive couture bags in tow. And yep, some of you guys pro’ly thinkin’ how you gon buy some expensive wheels and you gon’ impress…well, snap out of it, Mr. Slim is not goin’ to give you nada anytime soon. Lol!
May 3
Thursday
09:00
Beijing
What’s the population of china again? 1.5 billion?
In a country of 1.5 billion humans you know there’s gotta be some freaky shit goin’ down between every sheets, every back alleys, every dimly lit back rooms and so on and so on, right? There’s no way you can have that many people if sex is not one of the main thing on the menu.
I’ve been thinkin’ of China a lot lately, you know? Like why can’t Prime Minister Wen Jiabao jus intervene in the case of the blind activist Cheng who managed to escape house arrest on the noses of the all-seeing communist po-pos guardin’ his crib. Ain’t it funny how a blind man could slip through and made his way to the US embassy to hide away for about a week (he left the embassy yesterday after the Chinese authority threatened to beat his fam to death if he doesn’t give himself up, so he claimed). This nigga embarrassed the communist party real big!
What, I should stop wit the tale and tell the truth why am talkin’ Chinese politics?
Oh, why’d you guys always think I got ulterior motives when I tell a story, huh?
Ok okay, you got me. I got a lil hidden agenda for draggin’ your asses to China wit me on this one… that lil secret is called China Doll! But then again, there’s more. Ah ha!
04:45
China Dolls
What do you know about that, huh?
Believe it or not, china dolls do not come from china. Here’s what I found from my lil intellectual research…googling and Wikipedia-ing is an intellectual endeavor, isn’t it?
“Collectors used the term for a doll made partially or wholly of glazed porcelain. The name comes from china being used to refer to the material porcelain. Antique CD were predominately produced in Germany between 1840 and 1940, beginning in the mid 20thcentury reproduction of CD of various quality were produced in Japan and United States.”
A Month Ago
I came across a story about a doll that costs over $6,000
I punched these key words and questions “sex doll” “how much is a silicone sex doll” “where can I get real silicone sex doll” and guess what Google coughed out for me?
A lot of pictures and sites and stuff but one common denominator in all the search result was china! Yup, I know a lot of you aren’t too surprised but it kinda jerk my mind back to why they china has its own special doll…china doll!
Man Doll
Like I was sayin’, bout a month ago, I came across a silicon man doll a.k.a sex doll with a skin texture 99.8% similar to human’s, flexible, built-in skeleton, real feeling! Thing is, if you want one of these babies, it’d set your doll-loving ass back a cool $6,000!
Do the math in your currency. And I dare say that forkin’ out that ridiculous sum for a piece of silicone pussy might jus be worth it for those who swing that way. The little darling’s got tons of sensors that makes her moves with every rhythm you bring.
What, do I have one?
Nope, why’d you ask?
Oh, cause I talk about it like I’ve tested it?
Nah, I haven’t and I’m not about to even if I was given one as a freebie.
Ok, wait for this…the freakin’ doll can fucking moan!
Maybe the guys that came up with this shit even threw in a program that will make it moan you’re your name!
Checkin’ out the advantages,
No nagging. No periodicals, it’s all month, no blood. Nobody gon be singin’ in your ear the “I missed my period” song. No headaches. No tiredness although you may have to change batteries and shit…
Outro
somethin tells me that our silicon man-doll could also be the death of you and the COD like Horatio Caine and Them CSIs would say (cause of death) might jus be electrocution…imagine that! Fittin, huh?
DOLL
May
4
Friday
03:29
What If
some rich person, broke you off a lil change, would you take it and
what would you do wit’ it?
Huh,
what did you say? It depends?
Ok
then, let me rephrase the question, if that boy Slim (as in the
Mexican Carlos Slim, the world’s richest man…he got $68.8
Billion, by the way) hook your ass up wit say, six thousand dollars,
what will you do wit it? What would you spend on after getting’
your basic needs?
Oh! I
see alotta these ladies lookin’ into space right now, imaginin’
their asses sashayin’ down some high fashion street with them
expensive couture bags in tow. And yep, some of you guys pro’ly
thinkin’ how you gon buy some expensive wheels and you gon’
impress…well, snap out of it, Mr. Slim is not goin’ to give you
nada anytime soon. Lol!
May
3
Thursday
09:00
Beijing
What’s
the population of china again? 1.5 billion?
In a
country of 1.5 billion humans you know there’s gotta be some freaky
shit goin’ down between every sheets, every back alleys, every
dimly lit back rooms and so on and so on, right? There’s no way you
can have that many people if sex is not one of the main thing on the
menu.
I’ve
been thinkin’ of China a lot lately, you know? Like why can’t
Prime Minister Wen Jiabao jus intervene in the case of the blind
activist Cheng who managed to escape house arrest on the noses of the
all-seeing communist po-pos guardin’ his crib. Ain’t it funny how
a blind man could slip through and made his way to the US embassy to
hide away for about a week (he left the embassy yesterday after the
Chinese authority threatened to beat his fam to death if he doesn’t
give himself up, so he claimed). This nigga embarrassed the communist
party real big!
What, I
should stop wit the tale and tell the truth why am talkin’ Chinese
politics?
Oh,
why’d you guys always think I got ulterior motives when I tell a
story, huh?
Ok
okay, you got me. I got a lil hidden agenda for draggin’ your asses
to China wit me on this one… that lil secret is called China Doll!
But then again, there’s more. Ah ha!
04:45
China
Dolls
What do
you know about that, huh?
Believe
it or not, china dolls do not come from china. Here’s what I found
from my lil intellectual research…googling and Wikipedia-ing is an
intellectual endeavor, isn’t it?
“Collectors
used the term for a doll made partially or wholly of glazed
porcelain. The name comes from china being used to refer to the
material porcelain. Antique CD were predominately produced in Germany
between 1840 and 1940, beginning in the mid 20th
century reproduction of CD of various quality were produced in Japan
and United States.”
A
Month Ago
I came
across a story about a doll that costs over $6,000
I
punched these key words and questions “sex doll” “how much is a
silicone sex doll” “where can I get real silicone sex doll” and
guess what Google coughed out for me?
A lot
of pictures and sites and stuff but one common denominator in all the
search result was china! Yup, I know a lot of you aren’t too
surprised but it kinda jerk my mind back to why they china has its
own special doll…china doll!
Man
Doll
Like I
was sayin’, bout a month ago, I came across a silicon man doll
a.k.a sex doll with a skin texture 99.8% similar to human’s,
flexible, built-in skeleton, real feeling! Thing is, if you want one
of these babies, it’d set your doll-loving ass back a cool $6,000!
Do the
math in your currency. And I dare say that forkin’ out that
ridiculous sum for a piece of silicone pussy might jus be worth it
for those who swing that way. The little darling’s got tons of
sensors that makes her moves with every rhythm you bring.
What,
do I have one?
Nope,
why’d you ask?
Oh,
cause I talk about it like I’ve tested it?
Nah, I
haven’t and I’m not about to even if I was given one as a
freebie.
Ok,
wait for this…the freakin’ doll can fucking moan!
Maybe
the guys that came up with this shit even threw in a program that
will make it moan you’re your name!
Checkin’
out the advantages,
No
nagging. No periodicals, it’s all month, no blood. Nobody gon be
singin’ in your ear the “I missed my period” song. No
headaches. No tiredness although you may have to change batteries and
shit…
Outro
somethin
tells me that our silicon man-doll could also be the death of you and
the COD like Horatio Caine and Them CSIs would say (cause of death)
might jus be electrocution…imagine that! Fittin, huh?
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
SHOPPIN' LIST
Tuesday
April 17
17:52
Soon as I swaggered up to the big assed-body-heat-detectin’ glass doors, it parted for me like the red sea did for that staff-wielding bearded nigga from the Old Testament and them Israelites. I remember once tellin’ a friend of mine that I like the way those doors slide open like the way the thighs of a hard workin’ prostitute does for a well-payin’ client and she looked at like me, “what an example!”. Truth is, if I was a teacher, none of my students would fail ‘cause I give easy and saintly examples.
A week earlier I’d had no such good fortune wit them doors. I’d missed the small written warnin’ that said the door was faulty and bumped headlong into the mutherfuckin’ doors before I realized it! Thankfully, no cracked skull or broken cell phones.
I sauntered into the mall like a man on a mission, I felt like Tom Cruise in mission impossible and I looked the part! Expensive brand-less dark shade in hand (don’t take my word for the shade bein’ expensive), backpack on my back, straight leg black jean on my ass and springs in my steps.
And what was my mission?
What! Nah, I wasn’t there to save the world or to perform heroics, those are jobs for Paul Blart the mall cop or Jack Bauer. I was there get me two oven-fresh breads!
Pick ‘N Pay
18:10
After stayin’ on the bread line for about four minutes I got two hot loaves. The smell and the warmth those loaves gave off kinda made me feel like every minute I spent waitin' on that line was worth well it.
The four minutes’ wait was actually a quick time considerin’ that, at that time of the day on week days, one could stay on the line for at least ten minutes to get a freakin’ bread! Who does that? Breadaholics like me, that’s who! Wow, look, I even invented a new word…breadaholic. Lol! Some days while waitin’ on the queue, I’d fantasize about holdin’ the bakers at gun point and make ‘em reveal their recipe. Yeah, I know its idle thinkin’ but what else can you think about while waitin’ for bread, huh?
The four minutes’ wait was actually a quick time considerin’ that, at that time of the day on week days, one could stay on the line for at least ten minutes to get a freakin’ bread! Who does that? Breadaholics like me, that’s who! Wow, look, I even invented a new word…breadaholic. Lol! Some days while waitin’ on the queue, I’d fantasize about holdin’ the bakers at gun point and make ‘em reveal their recipe. Yeah, I know its idle thinkin’ but what else can you think about while waitin’ for bread, huh?
18:15
As I was walked away from the cashier with my precious loaves and my change, somebody wit a cheerful voice called my name, it was a voice I haven’t heard in more than a year, It was my friend Laura! I stuck out my hand tryna shake but she rewarded my modesty wit a hug, a side hug.
What an abominable act! I protested, told her no lady gives Dobs a side hug, it was unacceptable. No half steppin’ when you’re huggin’ me, you better come through wit that full frontal put-it-all-on-me type of hug. She laughed and introduced me to her sister and her mum, told them bout how I used to give her hell and stuff back when we were studying for CIM (Chartered Institute of Marketing) together.
What an abominable act! I protested, told her no lady gives Dobs a side hug, it was unacceptable. No half steppin’ when you’re huggin’ me, you better come through wit that full frontal put-it-all-on-me type of hug. She laughed and introduced me to her sister and her mum, told them bout how I used to give her hell and stuff back when we were studying for CIM (Chartered Institute of Marketing) together.
18:22
We caught up on a few gists as we made our way toward the exit but then remembered she had to get some wrist bead at one of the shops close to the entrance. She dragged me along and told me she’s goin’ to put it on my tab…I could hear tires screechin’ to a halt in my head! The not so-bad-lookin’ sales girls got their eyes (three pairs of ‘em) on me. What! Shawtie threw me in the spotlight jus like that! I could feel the four ladies’ eyes burnin’ into me, waitin’ on me, pro’ly holdin’ their breaths like they did when Romeo kissed Juliet or when Jack swapped spit wit Rose…I knew they were waitin’ on my response, so I let ‘em stew a few more seconds.
Wednesday
April 18
13:41
After I got done from the internet café, I rolled into the opposite shop (baby clothes and things) to holla at my friends there and what would you know, I walked into a freakin’ ambush…five grown ass chicks looked at me like an uninvited guest had crashed their little powwow but what the hell, I was already there and what I saw the ladies doin’ was too good to jus turn around and walk out. No way, Jose!
And what were the ladies doin’?
They were tryna cop themselves panties and bras!
I smiled to myself and told the ladies to get on wit their trade. The undies’ merchant retrieved her bag of goodies where she had hurriedly pushed it when I walked in. I grabbed a seat and watched as the ladies examined all kinds of boob hangers (a.k.a bras) and pants
Danglin’ a bra on her index finger, one of the chicks said, “you can’t jus sit here like that, get me of these”
What! Is this déjà vu or what? I told myself this shit can’t be happenin’ again but fuck, it was.
I did one-two and asked myself, “What would Johnny Bravo do if he was caught in this type of situation?”
“Oh, why should I buy a bra for you, huh?” I chuckled, “what would I chalk it down to?”
“C’mon, just buy” she urged
“Um, ok why don’t you let cop a good feel of your breasts and I’ll buy you one” I baited her
And guess what? She said yeah!
Oh mine, are you serious? To press her point home she up her rack in my face, darin’ me to feel upon them titties!
Back at the Shop wit’ Me and Laura
April 17
18:25
What! How a lady gon’ hit a brotha wit an unplanned expense jus like that, huh? Jus like that, boom outta the blues! Nah, I don’t roll like that so I put the ladies out of their misery so that they could breathe again, I told Laura, “Nah, am not goin’ to pay for that. I don’t have cash for that and even if I do, it wasn’t in my plan”
I know some of you ladies are pro’ly wringin’ your powdered nose at me right about now, callin’ me all kinds of names, huh? Did y’all jus call me cheap ass? Well, I got news for you…I can’t hear y’all *tongue out*
Outro
Did I cup a feel of those racks? Nah, I didn’t but its jus kinda funny what these ladies would let a man get away wit’ if he can hook that ass up wit some’ extra.
And oh, did I mention that my friend Laura was carryin’ a genuine brown Gucci leather bag and a pair of six inch heels to match?
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