GLITCH

June 20

Wednesday

If you had the benefit of kickin’ it them grey heads (grannies and ‘em) while growin’ up and you were the type that was willin’ to learn, then you would have copped your ass some time tested wisdom and, wait for it, a few superstitions!

Oh wait, I think the word “superstition” might be a tad too disrespectful to my granny if she heard me and I won’t be surprised at all if she tried to “hi-five” my sweet face. So before somebody snitches on me, am gon scratch out the word “superstition” and toss in “belief” in its place. Sounds better, don’t it?

As I grew older I discovered that old folks mostly beat lil doggies like me over the head wit’ these superstitions to teach and keep us on the straight and narrow.

Wit time, I’ve chucked the deuces to most of those beliefs/superstitions but, a few of ‘em still hang tightly to me like a leech. One of those I haven’t been able to shake is the meanin’ one reads into the bumpin’ of foot on a stone. If you bump the left foot, it’s a bad omen but if it’s the right, it’s a sign that things will go your way.

Barclays Bank

13:02

A few steps away from the ATM machine, I bumped my left foot against somethin’ and almost fell! I let fly a couple of expletives before examinin’ my very expensive shoe (umm, am lyin). After I made certain that my shoe came out of the collision in good shape, I made the sign of the cross. When I raised my head, l discovered that some chick who had jus finished usin’ the ATM was lookin’ at me wit a bemused look on her face.

Fuck it, I mean, what has the world come to, there I was in great emotional pain and this girl couldn’t even offer me a boob to cry on ( umm, I meant shoulder), is that too much to ask for, huh? Well, I guess it was ‘cause shawtie jus sashayed right by me wit her stupid ass shakin’ like they got a bad case of cold.

For a moment, I contemplated turnin’ back cause for the life of me, how can a nigga bump his foot on a marbled floor and at the same time have a hot chick leave him in pain, huh?…it’s a bad omen!

For a sec there I had visions of the old folks laughin’ in my face for darin’ to make light of their belief. Fuck it, I told myself, am already here and I’ma get my money outta that machine before I go back to the office, bad omen or not.

13:06

For that hour of the day, it was strange that I was the only one at the ATM, well, apart from the private security guard who was standin’ some two meters away and lookin’ out into the street.

It was lunch O’clock and as hungry as I was, it would be a disaster to have me wait in line to take out a lil some’ from that cash dispenser. Huh, why would it be a disaster? C’mon, guys, stop actin’ like y’all won’t crack up for days if you heard that a nigga passed out from hunger while waitin’ on the queue.

13:09

I offered my card to the machine, it swallowed it, and I punched in the amount I wanted wit’ my pin code and waited for my cash. What, you wanna know how much I wanted? Ok, let’s jus say it was in the neighborhood of what Diddy would splurge wit on a Friday night on the town. Yep, I live like that sometime. Lol!

What happened next popped my eyes out of the sockets and fuckin’ shifted my jaws. I was literally paralyzed watchin’ the ATM machine cough out notes after notes after notes after note of crisp bills! It felt like a dream and I was the uninvited third wheel who tagged along for the ride as I stood there. This is not fuckin’ real, I kept whisperin’ to myself.

After what seemed like forever, I managed to break free from the inertial that held me in its grip (for what turned to be less than a minute,) and then I looked around to be sure there were no witness to this lil miracle. I was afraid the security guy would be suspicious of what was goin’ down but alas, the dude was too busy getting’ fresh wit the young lady sellin’ fruits nearby. I gathered every last note the machine coughed out, I packed everythin’ into my backpack and got outta there like a house on fire!

What, how much did the machine give me? Well, all am gon say is, it had alotta zeros in it.

And what happened to me bein’ on the verge of death from hunger? Please, as if you would get hungry after winnin’ a lotto!

August 1, 2009

Saturday

One fine Saturday, three years ago, Ronald Page, a 55 year old man of Detroit stepped up to an ATM machine at Greektown Casino wit’ a plan to take out a few dollars, not like he’s got much in the account anyways (he only maintained a derisory balance of $100 between ‘08 and ‘09) but jus like what happened to me on Wednesday, the machine gave him a whoopin’ $312,000!

Mr. Page couldn’t believe his luck at first, so he decided to test it; he went back to the machine and guess what happened? He was allowed to take out $51,727!

August 18, 2009

Tuesday

By the time the bank discovered how generous their ATM had been, Mr. Page had become a millionaire overnight (richer to the tune of 1.5 million big ones!) Damn, that shit got me wishin’ “my” ATM was generous to me in dollars too. Yeah, I know am greedy like that.

Anyways, on August 18, payback time beat a path down to Ronald page’s door and y’all know how bitchy that can be, don’t ya?

A Few Days Ago

Earlier this week, Mr. Page found out that not only is he goin’ to do time for the “crime”, the judge in charge of the case handed his ass a 15 months jail time plus payin’ back the money to the last cent.

June 21

Thursday

01:09

What happened to my lil windfall from the ATM? Well, after boltin’ away from the ATM, my phone rang and interrupted my dream! Lmao! Oh, y’all were already makin’ plans on collectin’?

Outro

The sad thing about this whole ball of wax is that Mr. Page blew the whole manna on gamblin’! How stupid can an old man be, huh? I mean, he coulda put the lucre away in some kinda business, pro’ly doubled it, and by the time the law came callin’, he woulda been able to return the money, right? Maybe, jus maybe, the Judge woulda seen it the way I see it and thought to himself like ‘’technically, this cat didn’t steal the money the hiccup in the system gave him a gift and a few men would reject such heavenly manna.” Perhaps, the honorable Judge woulda jus sent him on his way wit nothin’ more than a slap on the wrist.