If You Put Your Trust In STATISTICS, You'll Pro'ly Won't Believe In MIRACLES

Dobs' LOST DAYS SERIES (Shenanigans from FB)

Days When Boys Make Cassettes For Girls...Cassettes Containin' Songs That Contains Shit They'd Like To Say But Couldn't... badlydrawndobs.com Simple times

Days When We Used To Record Our Mixes From Radio And Them On-Air-Personalities/DJs Try To Mess The Recordin' Up By Talkin' or Playin' Their Jingles In The Middle Of The Song!Days When There Were No Cellphones (jus landlines and only very very few folks got 'em) And You Actually Have To Go Hang Around A Girl's Crib Waitin' For When She'll Be Sent Out To Buy Somethin'

Days When There Were Jus Landlines And When You Pick A Call You Couldn't Lie That You Weren't Home...but now wit cellphones, folks lie bout their whereabout.

Days When Rice & Chicken Were Christmas Specials.

HOW JOHN MET HER MAJESTY, THE QUEEN

Monday
November 19
11:09

You can look me in my face (I ain’t got no worries) x3
See the sh-rooms keep me up (I ain’t got no worries) x3

I don’t like this song but somehow I found myself repeatin’ this hook in my head as I got dressed and ready to get to out the crib. As if the DJ on the station I was tuned-in to read my thoughts, he puts the song on! I got real worries but for some reason this Lil Wayne song jus wouldn’t leave me alone. I flipped the station to the good old’ BBC and I heard an interestin’ story about a boy. The story held me down for the next five minute…

STRONG MEN

Monday

05 November

*singing*

L’ojo Monday Eko Oni Gba Gba Ku’gba

Umm, have I talked about this song before in one of my posts? I’m sure I have but hey, I had to bring it back ‘cause I got another curious yarn to spin about the most hated day of the week. And nope, I can’t promise the song won’t pop up again somewhere down my future posts. There’s no way I’m gon’ talk about Monday without bringin’ this classic by the late afro beat legend Fela Anikulapo Kuti into the convo. Can I say somethin’ profound real quick? Fela never sung a bad song. No lie!

What!

You don’t know who Fela is/was? Get on Google or Wikipedia and educate your ass… do it quick! That nigga is in the same class as the jazz greats: Louis “Satchmo” Armstrong, Miles Davis, Duke Ellington, John Coltrane and the others. Please don’t turn up your snotty nose and say, “why is this nigga blaspheming?” Oh, you said that in your head already! Ok. Lol!

L’ojo Monday Eko Oni Gba Gba Ku’gba (On Monday morning, Lagos (Nigeria) takes no shit from nobody)

That right there was the mentality I grew up with and I can confidently say the same for all the people on my block. On Monday mornings, we don’t play. We don’t want nobody “monkeying” around and put the hex on the rest of the week for us. We believe the way you start the week is likely how you gon’ end it. I know some folks might say it’s superstitious but fuck it, it is what it is.

09:25

Don’t you jus’ hate when a street hustler steps up to you (unsolicited) and try to sweet talk you or even sometime try somethin’ close to manhandlin’ you into makin’ a buy of whatever it is he or she (usually he) is sellin’? don’t you jus’ hate!

Monday morning, my spirit was sky high, no Monday blues like most folks. I had black pants on my ass and a sky blue long-sleeved shirt on my back. My afro was oiled and combed, and my craggy beard was, well, still a little bit craggy. I walked down the central business district swingin’ (if you got Papa Roach’s ”Still Swinging” playin’ in my head you’d be swingin’ too). In that moment, I was oblivious to the pain in the world, I was happy as a dick gettin’ waxed by Megan Good’s lips but all that was brought to an untimely end when some guy stepped alongside me wit’ a package of bottles in his hand, I took one look and I knew exactly what they were…

Between 09:50 and 10:38

Yeah, you’re pro’ly sayin’ there is really nothin’ strange about the incident I jus’ recounted, well I thought the same thing, matter of fact, I chucked it down to a random act by the universe but wait a second cause things weirder and weirder. And what would you know, the same shit happened again and again… two other hustlers tried to sell me the same damn stuffs the first hustler tried to sell me, all within the space of one hour!

I kept thinkin’ to myself, don’t these niggas know it’s too damn early in the day to be tryin’ to sell a nigga these stuff, I mean, I smell good for God’s sakes. The more I tried to get away from these guys by gettin’ my Johnny Walker on the more they kept comin’ at me proclaimin’ how long lasting their goods were.

Strong Men, 7 Hours, Big Boy & Other Packaged Stuffs

Nope! Strong Men, 7 Hours, Big Boy and others aren’t the names of exotic perfumes; they are all herbal equivalent of Viagra! What coulda given me away? Was it my walk or my craggy beard? May be I had a sign on my forehead sayin’ “here goes an aspirin’ porn star who couldn’t get it up or something?”

 

Outro

Tuesday

06 November

11:22

Up until the moment am penning down this entry, there’s been nothin’ to suggest that Monday would repeat itself on a Tuesday but then again, it’s still too early in the day or week to say, right?

 

 

 

I DO

Saturday
27 October, 2012
12:05

Wedding Day
“If any among you here today have any genuine reason why these two should not be joined together as man and wife, say it now or forever hold your mutherfuckin’ peace,” the pastor’s voice boomed across the small church.

Oh, did the pastor really say that?

The answer to that is hell yeah! Every word in that sentence was the pastor’s except for a very tiny part. And what part would that be? I think y’all already mutherfuckin’ know... I snuck that one tiny bit in there for emphasis. Ah ha!

Anyways, up until the moment the pastor spoke those famous words, I had been driftin’ in and out of naps and daydreams, I bolted upright like a sleepwalker who’s just been caught standin’ butt naked in the neighbor’s front porch and the very beautiful Miss Jones had jus’ smacked him across the face to shake some wakefulness into that ass! I came alive. I kinda had a feelin’ that some sort of drama was goin’ to go down.

I’ve heard of weddings where all kinds of people (people in this case would be, women, mostly women scorned) stepped out of the woodworks to throw spanners into whatever productions was goin’ on. Am I being politically incorrect by sayin’ women would rather disrupt a weddin’ than “forever hold their peace?” Maybe I am but I can honestly say I’ve never heard of a situation where a jilted man stooped that low. If somebody decided to get married to somebody else instead of you, what they unwittingly did was to save your ass from future sorrow, jus’ fuckin’ breathe and let that shit go! Hmmm, am beginnin’ to sound like that nigga Dr. Phil, aren’t I?

12:05:56
The silence in the church had that graveyard eeriness to it, every small moment was amplified. I shifted very slowly in my seat, all too aware of the look an exaggerated movement might earn me from fams and friends of the bride and groom. From my position in the back of the church, I craned my neck, tryin’ to see if my nigga, the groom, was sweatin’ bullets but all I was able see was his white suited shoulders and the back of his well-oiled black scull.

I sat there wonderin’ what was goin’ through the couples’ (especially the groom) mind. Now am not sayin’ my boy was a playa but I was damn sure the ghosts of girlfriends past must have flooded his mind’s eyes.

12:07
Jus’ as the pastor was about to get things goin’, a woman holdin’ a child stood up from somewhere in the navel of the church. Heads swivelled  Eyes bulged as the woman made her way to the aisle!

What! Shit was about to get real and all the stories I’ve heard about scorned women shuttin’ weddings down was about to come to life right in front of my naked eyes!

For a moment almost everybody in the church held their breath and you could hear one huge hum as folks collectively exhaled as the woman turned left and headed for the back exit door to breastfeed her baby.

12:12
With the dotted lines signed, the pastor pronounced the couple man and wife at exactly twelve past midday. And that, ladies and gentlemen was the first weddin’ I ever sat through from start to finish.

Outro
I still haven’t asked what was runnin’ through my nigga’s mind durin’ those few minutes the pastor asked them axe grinders to speak up or forever hold their peace but I promise am gon ask as soon as he turns his phone on... he’s away on honeymoon, by the way.

Happy matrimony to everybody who’s done it and to those plannin’ to get those two words in, watch your back especially if you’ve left a trail of broken marriage proposals in your wake.

TALK BACK

Today
Monday
September 3
11:13
Here's a lil' some' y’all weren’t privileged to, a lil' a convo that went down between me and my friend B a few days back. I've been havin' convos (more like a tiff) like that for sometime now...here’s a lil' snippet.

"You put too much pressure on yourself, men! Carryin’ that darn thing around all day ain’t no joke," B looked at me with pain.

“I know men but you know there are stuffs I need to take to town and shit, can’t leave the bag alone” I said

“C’mon man, be a lil considerate to both of us. It’d help a whole lot more if you leave your laptop at home more often. Some shit can wait, you know? And it ain't like you use it in town all the time. Take some burden off of your ass, nigga” B said. I could sense B was irritated.

“Touché” I whispered. “You know you and me are one, right? We both want the same thing.”

“Fuck that shit! If we both want the same then why do you keep ignorin’ the pain, huh?”

“I understand where you’re comin’ from but try and understand me too,” I said while rubbin’ on B, nothin’ sexual jus a good old friendly rub.

“Get your hands off me punkass! Stop tryna bribe me, nigga. That shit won’t work. All I need you to do is pay attention to all the warnings I’ve been givin’ your ass”

“Ok, give me some time and I’ll find a solution, aight?”

“Good!”

“We cool then, huh?” I asked. B answered with a head nod.

Friday
August 31
Lately I’d been makin’ conscious effort to carry my backpack less and less on my back. Instead of lettin’ it ride on my back all the time like it’s suppose to, I’d started clutchin’ it, jus swingin’ it from left to right as I go through the day.

Huh? But backpacks are made for backs? Yeah yeah, I know they call it backpack for a reason.

10:08
Some skinny jeans wearin’ dude bumped into me... well, not me exactly bump into me but technically, bumpin’ into my bag, which is like an extension of me would amount to bumpin’ into me, wouldn't it or do we need to pull a law book of some sort out on this?

At the moment of impact, I’d jus switched hands from left to right in order to relieve the left of the strain that was beginin’ to be unbearable. Though, it wasn't exactly an earth-shakin’ bumpin’ into but it was a big enough collision for me to turn around and try to get a good look at the person that jus disrespected my world famous backpack. My first reaction was to go after the guy and demand an apology and pro’ly give him a verbal ass whoopin’ if he doesn't act right. I took one look at the guy as he swaggered away and smiled. Why? I mean, dude’s pants hung so low, his drawers seemed to be sayin’ hi to everybody and most off of all, nigga looked like a walkin’ scarecrow.

I admit, one of my flaws is not bein’ able to let a disrespect go, no matter how small, I jus have to call it out right there and then but the good thing is, if I don’t deal wit it right away, I jus let it slide and that was what I did, I let it slide.

Ok, the truth is, I wasn't really worried about the bag at all (if Pro-Specs, the manufacturer of the bag knows that the bag is still in existence, they’d pro’ly be beatin’ a path down to my door to have it in their museum), my concern was for the laptop inside. Imagine if the laptop fell and broke, that would be a disaster of epic proportion, the world as we know it would change forever! *shakes* God forbid!

Outro
If that dude hadn't bumped into my backpack I’d pro’ly wouldn’t be havin’ a rethink or another conversation with B.

Who is B again? Oh, I didn’t tell y’all who B was? My bad!

Umm, B stands for my Back by the way!

Yep! Is that a typo? Nope, it isn't. You read me right.

A convo wit’ ones’ back, who does that! A sane man, that’s who! Some of y’all still can't wrap your heads around it, can ya?

See, on the face value, shit like havin’ a convo wit’ parts of your body might seem like madness to somebody on the outside lookin’ in but it actually helps when you need some kinda resolution... when I say somebody on the outside lookin’ in, am talkin’ bout YOU! Yep, you readin’ this. But then again, somethin’ tells you've had dialogues wit a part of your body before, haven’t you?

Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

TALK BACK

Today

Monday

September 3

11:13

Here's a lil' some' y’all weren’t privileged to, a lil' a convo that went down between me and my friend B a few days back. i've been havin' convos (more like a tiff) like that for sometime now...here’s a lil snippet

”You put too much pressure on yourself, men! Carryin’ that darn thing around all day ain’t no joke,” B looked at me with pain

“I know men but you know there are stuffs I need to take to town and shit, can’t leave the bag alone” I said

  “C’mon man, be a lil considerate to both of us. It’d help a whole lot more if you leave your laptop at home more often. Some shit can wait, you know? And it aint like you use it in town all the time. Take some burden off of your ass, nigga” B said. I could sense B was irritated.

“Touché” I whispered. “You know you and me are one, right? We both want the same thing”

“Fuck that shit! If we both want the same then why do you keep ignorin’ the pain, huh?”

“I understand where you’re comin’ from but try and understand me too,” I said while rubbin’ on B, nothin’ sexual jus a good old friendly rub.

“Get your hands off me punkass! Stop tryna bribe me, nigga. That shit won’t work. All I need you to do is pay attention to all the warnings I’ve been givin’ your ass”

“Ok, give me some time and I’ll find a solution, aight?”

“Good!”

“We cool then, huh?” I asked. B answered with a head nod.

Friday

August 31

Lately I’d been makin’ conscious effort to carry my backpack less and less on my back. Instead of lettin’ it ride on my back all the time like it’s suppose to, I’d started clutchin’ it, jus swingin’ it from left to right as I go through the day.

Huh? But backpacks are made for backs?  Yeah yeah, I know they call it backpack for a reason.

10:08

Some skinny jeans wearin’ dude bumped into me…well, not me exactly bump into me but technically, bumpin’ into my bag, which is like an extension of me would amount to bumpin’ into me, wouldn’t it or do we need to pull a law book of some sort out on this?

At the moment of impact, I’d jus switched hands from left to right in order to relieve the left of the strain that was beginin’ to be unbearable. Though, it wasn’t exactly an earth-shakin’ bumpin’ into but it was a big enough collision for me to turn around and try to get a good look at the person that jus disrespected my world famous backpack. My first reaction was to go after the guy and demand an apology and pro’ly give him a verbal ass whoopin’ if he doesn’t act right. I took one look at the guy as he swaggered away and smiled. Why? I mean, dude’s pants hung so low, his drawers seemed to be sayin’ hi to everybody and most off of all, nigga looked like a walkin’ scare crow.

I admit, one of my flaws is not bein’ able to let a disrespect go, no matter how small, I jus have to call it out right there and then but the good thing is, if I don’t deal wit it right away, I jus let it slide and that was what I did, I let it slide.

Ok, the truth is, I wasn’t really worried about the bag at all (if Pro-Specs, the manufacturer of the bag knows that the bag is still in existence, they’d pro’ly be beatin’ a path down to my door to have it in their museum), my concern was for the laptop inside. Imagine if the laptop fell and broke, that would be a disaster of epic proportion, the world as we know it would change forever! *shakes* God forbid!

Outro

If that dude hadn’t bumped into my backpack I’d pro’ly wouldn’t be havin’ a rethink or another conversation with B.

Who is B again? Oh, I didn’t tell y’all who B was? My bad!

Umm, B stands for my Back by the way!

Yep! Is that a typo? Nope, it isn’t.  You read me right.

A convo wit’ ones’ back, who does that! A sane man, that’s who! Some of y’all still cant wrap your heads around it, can ya?

See, on the face value, shit like havin’ a convo wit’ parts of your body might seem like madness to somebody on the outside lookin’ in but it actually helps when you need some kinda resolution…when I say somebody on the outside lookin’ in, am talkin’ bout YOU! Yep, you readin’ this. But then again, somethin’ tells you’ve had dialogues wit a part of your body before, haven’t you?