NOT JUS' ANUTHER SUNDAY

Sunday Oct., 16
11:45
Morning
Feelin’ photo-shoot fresh and clean in a Hope and Glory emblazoned brown tee, faded blue jeans and a pair of Chuck’s, I slipped quietly into the park like a rock star tryin’ to evade the pryin’ eyes of his adoring fans (yep, I know am delusional like that but hey, that was how a brotha was feelin’. Lol) As I expected, the joint was packed to the rafters

Are you wonderin’, “what the fuck was he doin’ at a park on a Sunday morning?”
“Was he there to perform?”
“Wasn’t his ass supposed to be in church or somethin’?”

Nope, I wasn’t there to perform and yep, my ass was exactly where y’all thought it should be…the church! The church is bum smack in the middle of a park. How cool is that, huh? Trees swayin’, birds yodeling while the M.O.G (Man Of God, jus’ in case you’re wonderin’ what that meant) drops the word of God in your ear holes…hella cool, if you ask me.

Like I said, the place was already filled with folks who took punctuality to church service more seriously than others. I grabbed a chair and sat my ass down under the biggest baobab tree you’d ever seen with them other late comers jus’ outside the big ass tent (serving as the church buidin’). It was testimony time, testimonies were flowin’ and I was lovin’ it.

By the way, do you guys know that more than any other days of the week, people look most beautiful on Sunday mornings? Ummm, don’t take my statement as the gospel though.

Anyways, your boy was so moved by the testimonies, my ass was tempted to go grab the mike and let loose a testimony or two. But then I thought, what was I goin’ to testify about?

A voice inside my head said, “testify about your blog, tell ‘em how thousands of folks been troopin’ there and shit”.

What! I can’t tell the church about the freakin’ blog, nah I can’t. My shit ain’t fit for church consumption; the church will definitely puke from that shit. Besides, am always snitchin’ on the church members up in there.

A crow cawin’ up on the baobab tree snapped me out of the lil dabate I was having in my head.

I got my concentration together and I turned my bible to Exodus 25 verse 9 like the MOG said. I did good for about an hour but the sermon was takin’ way too long, the heat was beginnin’ to affect my thoughts and my mind started to stray. Surroundin’ me were two nursin’ mothers, two men, some young ladies and a coupla kids.

The nursin’ mother sittin diagonally in front of me was a plus size woman, if y’all know what I mean, her baby wouldn’t stop cryin’ so she did what most mothers would do…she unleashed a portion of her generous breast for the tot to suck on…I was stunned, my head snapped away instantly! Gawd, I can’t be peepin’ stuff like that in the house of God! I felt put on the spot…I willed my eyes glued to my pocket size bible and left it there for the next three minute or so.

14:10
The Pastor doesn’t look like he was gonna shut his sermon down anytime soon, matter of fact, it looked like he was jus getting’ warmed up and that was two hours after he got on the mike! I’d had enough sermon to last me the whole week, I was blessed and it was time for to jet.

NOT JUS' ANUTHER SUNDAY

Sunday Oct., 16
11:45
Morning
Feelin’ photo-shoot fresh and clean in a Hope and Glory emblazoned brown tee, faded blue jeans and a pair of Chuck’s, I slipped quietly into the park like a rock star tryin’ to evade the pryin’ eyes of his adoring fans (yep, I know am delusional like that but hey, that was how a brotha was feelin’. Lol) As I expected, the joint was packed to the rafters

Are you wonderin’, “what the fuck was he doin’ at a park on a Sunday morning?”
“Was he there to perform?”
“Wasn’t his ass supposed to be in church or somethin’?”

Nope, I wasn’t there to perform and yep, my ass was exactly where y’all thought it should be…the church! The church is bum smack in the middle of a park. How cool is that, huh? Trees swayin’, birds yodeling while the M.O.G (Man Of God, jus’ in case you’re wonderin’ what that meant) drops the word of God in your ear holes…hella cool, if you ask me.

Like I said, the place was already filled with folks who took punctuality to church service more seriously than others. I grabbed a chair and sat my ass down under the biggest baobab tree you’d ever seen with them other late comers jus’ outside the big ass tent (serving as the church buidin’). It was testimony time, testimonies were flowin’ and I was lovin’ it.

By the way, do you guys know that more than any other days of the week, people look most beautiful on Sunday mornings? Ummm, don’t take my statement as the gospel though.

Anyways, your boy was so moved by the testimonies, my ass was tempted to go grab the mike and let loose a testimony or two. But then I thought, what was I goin’ to testify about?

A voice inside my head said, “testify about your blog, tell ‘em how thousands of folks been troopin’ there and shit”.

What! I can’t tell the church about the freakin’ blog, nah I can’t. My shit ain’t fit for church consumption; the church will definitely puke from that shit. Besides, am always snitchin’ on the church members up in there.

A crow cawin’ up on the baobab tree snapped me out of the lil dabate I was having in my head.

I got my concentration together and I turned my bible to Exodus 25 verse 9 like the MOG said. I did good for about an hour but the sermon was takin’ way too long, the heat was beginnin’ to affect my thoughts and my mind started to stray. Surroundin’ me were two nursin’ mothers, two men, some young ladies and a coupla kids.

The nursin’ mother sittin diagonally in front of me was a plus size woman, if y’all know what I mean, her baby wouldn’t stop cryin’ so she did what most mothers would do…she unleashed a portion of her generous breast for the tot to suck on…I was stunned, my head snapped away instantly! Gawd, I can’t be peepin’ stuff like that in the house of God! I felt put on the spot…I willed my eyes glued to my pocket size bible and left it there for the next three minute or so.

14:10
The Pastor doesn’t look like he was gonna shut his sermon down anytime soon, matter of fact, it looked like he was jus getting’ warmed up and that was two hours after he got on the mike! I’d had enough sermon to last me the whole week, I was blessed and it was time for to jet.

THE GUEST WHO REFUSED APPLE

SOMEWHERE…about three days ago
A man named Steve travelled to a foreign land to a guest at most palatial mansion. About a week into his stay, he was coolin’ in the garden wit’ the Host, the Host offered him some rich black juicy berries but Steve refused and asked for an apple instead.

“Sorry, son but we haven’t had apples here for a long” the Host said with a painful look in His eyes

“But why, sir” steve quizzed.

Without waitin’ for an answer he continued, “If I had known, I woulda brought the one I left back home. I only took a bite out of it”

TODAY
The 12th Oct.
Durin’ the initial twenty hour blackout of BlackBerry data services, alotta these BB-wieldin’ ninjas went into a state of confusion. Many of ‘em were walkin’ around throwin’ tantrum like a bunch of rich spoilt brats whose favorite toys’ have jus’ been taken away, grown ass folks trippin’ and murmuring like spurn lovers. I couldn’t hide my amusement at seein’ some of these guys shuffle through their day/night like zombies. Some folks on facebook and twitter even got me LOL’ing wit’ the way they were snappin’ at everybody…their asses were mad as hell and guess what? They’re still mad!

Day three and the geeks at B. Berry’s office in canada are still battlin’ to get that shit together and get it back up to full speed. Am sure the head hunch Mr. Stephen Bates is not findin’ the whole gig funny

Even though I ain’t got a B. Berry, I’ve been monitoring people’s reaction online and alotta these guys are still steamin’ through their noses, BB carriers aren’t smilin’ at all, matter of fact, they are losin’ sleep! Believe me, am not lyin’. I heard on BBC, some guy from the UK sayin’ he couldn’t sleep. As if that wasn’t mind blowin’ enough, someone dude from the good Ol’ U.S of A said “it was like losing my right arm”. What? Really? Yeah, really!

But what’s the fuckin’ big deal with this whole ball of wax, huh? I mean, if you cannot get on BBM, why not jump on the next computer around or some smart phone and get your surf on? But nah, these dicsciples are too tightly bound to some invisible hand pullin’ the mutherfuckin’ string up in Toronto or somewhere?

Guess what, guys? I think I know the root of RIM’s problem (Research In Motion, the makers of BlackBerry). Forget what they sayin’ bout the problems been being due to a “core switch failure” within its infrastructure, I don’t buy that story and neither should you (ah ha as if I have a BlackBerry). Anyways, if you’re readin’ and you are a friend of Steve Bates, tell him to holla at me.

I have a sneaky feeling that my nigga Steve Jobs (RIP homie) has got somethin’ to do with the present BlackBerry woes. Mr. Job is pro’ly in heaven, kickin’ it with the Almighty God on some idle Monday, eatin’ on apples and usin’ a brew to wash it all the down while snitchin’ on RIM like mad! He pro’ly told God that BlackBerry is the new devil causin’ war and hunger in the world.

All the BlackBerry users reading this special revelation, look up to the heavens and say a prayer.

THE GUEST WHO REFUSED APPLE

SOMEWHERE…about three days ago
A man named Steve travelled to a foreign land to a guest at most palatial mansion. About a week into his stay, he was coolin’ in the garden wit’ the Host, the Host offered him some rich black juicy berries but Steve refused and asked for an apple instead.

“Sorry, son but we haven’t had apples here for a long” the Host said with a painful look in His eyes

“But why, sir” steve quizzed.

Without waitin’ for an answer he continued, “If I had known, I woulda brought the one I left back home. I only took a bite out of it”

TODAY
The 12th Oct.
Durin’ the initial twenty hour blackout of BlackBerry data services, alotta these BB-wieldin’ ninjas went into a state of confusion. Many of ‘em were walkin’ around throwin’ tantrum like a bunch of rich spoilt brats whose favorite toys’ have jus’ been taken away, grown ass folks trippin’ and murmuring like spurn lovers. I couldn’t hide my amusement at seein’ some of these guys shuffle through their day/night like zombies. Some folks on facebook and twitter even got me LOL’ing wit’ the way they were snappin’ at everybody…their asses were mad as hell and guess what? They’re still mad!

Day three and the geeks at B. Berry’s office in canada are still battlin’ to get that shit together and get it back up to full speed. Am sure the head hunch Mr. Stephen Bates is not findin’ the whole gig funny

Even though I ain’t got a B. Berry, I’ve been monitoring people’s reaction online and alotta these guys are still steamin’ through their noses, BB carriers aren’t smilin’ at all, matter of fact, they are losin’ sleep! Believe me, am not lyin’. I heard on BBC, some guy from the UK sayin’ he couldn’t sleep. As if that wasn’t mind blowin’ enough, someone dude from the good Ol’ U.S of A said “it was like losing my right arm”. What? Really? Yeah, really!

But what’s the fuckin’ big deal with this whole ball of wax, huh? I mean, if you cannot get on BBM, why not jump on the next computer around or some smart phone and get your surf on? But nah, these dicsciples are too tightly bound to some invisible hand pullin’ the mutherfuckin’ string up in Toronto or somewhere?

Guess what, guys? I think I know the root of RIM’s problem (Research In Motion, the makers of BlackBerry). Forget what they sayin’ bout the problems been being due to a “core switch failure” within its infrastructure, I don’t buy that story and neither should you (ah ha as if I have a BlackBerry). Anyways, if you’re readin’ and you are a friend of Steve Bates, tell him to holla at me.

I have a sneaky feeling that my nigga Steve Jobs (RIP homie) has got somethin’ to do with the present BlackBerry woes. Mr. Job is pro’ly in heaven, kickin’ it with the Almighty God on some idle Monday, eatin’ on apples and usin’ a brew to wash it all the down while snitchin’ on RIM like mad! He pro’ly told God that BlackBerry is the new devil causin’ war and hunger in the world.

All the BlackBerry users reading this special revelation, look up to the heavens and say a prayer.

BEHIND THE MIRROR

I can’t go past a mirror without sneakin’ a look in there to make sure my ass is lookin’ proper. Besides, M.J told me to always check in on the man in the mirror… *does the trademark MJ yodel* hee hee.

Oh, y’all think am a narcissist or somethin’? Nah am far from that! Well, maybe am a little vain but I don’t even come close to being a narcissist. I know alotta you guys can’t resist the urge to look in that mirror whenever your asses run across one, or can you?

We always tryna check ourselves out every time we see a reflective surface; we humans are vain like that, aren’t we? Truth is, no matter how un-pretty or unattractive we think we are, we still make use of that mirror.

So, the other day I was on the ground floor of a mall tryna put my laptop properly in the backpack (I’d gone wit it upstairs to use the café there, y’all know I gotta keep servin’ up that hot blog). As I stood there, bag slung over my shoulder, lookin’ through the giant glass screenin’/ wall (the type that allows you to see people on the other side without being seen) wit’ my back to the flight lading, I noticed that more than a few of the folks walkin’ by outside, especially the ladies, were stylishly checkin’ themselves out in the glass as they walked by…I thought to myself, this gon’ be interestin.

Even though I’ve never been a peepin’ Tom but I’ll never let an opportunity to feed my eyes wit’ candid antics folks get up to when they see their reflection, so I let my voyeuristic instincts kick in, I was excited by the ridiculousity I knew I was gonna see and boy, was I right?

It’s so fuckin’ hilarious what people get up in front a mirror when they think no one’s lookin’,

The first customer to my candid show was a lil boy of about four who couldn’t stop wavin’ at his own reflection. Dude unhinged his tiny hand from his mum’s to go “touch” himself! The lil fella wouldn’t stop cryin’ when the mum scooped him up in her arms by force so they could go into the mall. I waved at the teary-eyed boy when they walked passed me inside.

A coupla folks went by wit nothin’ but cursory side glances at the glass, it was almost like they aware that big brother might be snoopin’ on their ass but then came these two school girls, still clad in their uniform. If it wasn’t for the uniform, I wouldn’t have known they were high school kids ‘cause they were ripe (all the assets were in full flower). The shorter of the two stopped first, she patted both of her jugs from the side like she was tryna get them to sit right in her bra. The other girl giggled. I looked around to be sure nobody had snuck up on me and my lil’ gig…thankfully, I was still alone. By the time I returned my attention to the glass, the girls were gone! Phew!

Jus’ as I was contemplatin’ leavin’ my spot behind the glass, a thin ass dude in a skinny black pant, short-sleeved blue checked shirt wit a red tie hangin’ on his throat came through…dude stopped in front of the glass for about five to eight seconds and in that time, he checked out his mo-hawk and adjusted his tie and he went on his way. When I saw his behind, I wanted to go at him, put a slap upside his head and tell to pull his stupid ass skinny jeans up…nigga had a freakin’ tom and terry drawers on! For real, am not makin’ this up.

Have this in mind, next time you wanna get your ridiculousity on in front of a mirror, I jus might be watchin’ like Big Brother does!

BEHIND THE MIRROR

I can’t go past a mirror without sneakin’ a look in there to make sure my ass is lookin’ proper. Besides, M.J told me to always check in on the man in the mirror… *does the trademark MJ yodel* hee hee.

Oh, y’all think am a narcissist or somethin’? Nah am far from that! Well, maybe am a little vain but I don’t even come close to being a narcissist. I know alotta you guys can’t resist the urge to look in that mirror whenever your asses run across one, or can you?

We always tryna check ourselves out every time we see a reflective surface; we humans are vain like that, aren’t we? Truth is, no matter how un-pretty or unattractive we think we are, we still make use of that mirror.

So, the other day I was on the ground floor of a mall tryna put my laptop properly in the backpack (I’d gone wit it upstairs to use the café there, y’all know I gotta keep servin’ up that hot blog). As I stood there, bag slung over my shoulder, lookin’ through the giant glass screenin’/ wall (the type that allows you to see people on the other side without being seen) wit’ my back to the flight lading, I noticed that more than a few of the folks walkin’ by outside, especially the ladies, were stylishly checkin’ themselves out in the glass as they walked by…I thought to myself, this gon’ be interestin.

Even though I’ve never been a peepin’ Tom but I’ll never let an opportunity to feed my eyes wit’ candid antics folks get up to when they see their reflection, so I let my voyeuristic instincts kick in, I was excited by the ridiculousity I knew I was gonna see and boy, was I right?

It’s so fuckin’ hilarious what people get up in front a mirror when they think no one’s lookin’,

The first customer to my candid show was a lil boy of about four who couldn’t stop wavin’ at his own reflection. Dude unhinged his tiny hand from his mum’s to go “touch” himself! The lil fella wouldn’t stop cryin’ when the mum scooped him up in her arms by force so they could go into the mall. I waved at the teary-eyed boy when they walked passed me inside.

A coupla folks went by wit nothin’ but cursory side glances at the glass, it was almost like they aware that big brother might be snoopin’ on their ass but then came these two school girls, still clad in their uniform. If it wasn’t for the uniform, I wouldn’t have known they were high school kids ‘cause they were ripe (all the assets were in full flower). The shorter of the two stopped first, she patted both of her jugs from the side like she was tryna get them to sit right in her bra. The other girl giggled. I looked around to be sure nobody had snuck up on me and my lil’ gig…thankfully, I was still alone. By the time I returned my attention to the glass, the girls were gone! Phew!

Jus’ as I was contemplatin’ leavin’ my spot behind the glass, a thin ass dude in a skinny black pant, short-sleeved blue checked shirt wit a red tie hangin’ on his throat came through…dude stopped in front of the glass for about five to eight seconds and in that time, he checked out his mo-hawk and adjusted his tie and he went on his way. When I saw his behind, I wanted to go at him, put a slap upside his head and tell to pull his stupid ass skinny jeans up…nigga had a freakin’ tom and terry drawers on! For real, am not makin’ this up.

Have this in mind, next time you wanna get your ridiculousity on in front of a mirror, I jus might be watchin’ like Big Brother does!

Monday, October 10

A few years ago, an ex girlfriend told me of how she was coolin’ at home wit’ her mum and older sis one hot and humid afternoon (it was about 30 some’ degrees on the centigrade outside) when her older brother walked into the livin’ room where they were kickin’ it…he was shocked by what he saw, the three ladies were tappin’ repeatedly on their sculls at the same time like they were in some kinda ritualistic séance…each one of ‘em was drummin’ on her head as if she was tryna get through to some angry god inside her brain. He asked if he’d walked in on a midday witches’ pow wow. They laughed at him…and I can tell you guys, i hurt my ribs laughin’ too when she told me why the three of them were tappin’ their heads in unrehearsed unison.

And would you believe what was makin’ these ladies act all strange… WEAVES! They were jus’ tryna scratch their itchy scalps through their mutherfuckin’ weaves. Lol! A hot day and weaves jus’ don’t go together, men!

I hate weaves and I wonder why ladies go on and on about ‘em as if their lives depend on it. Nine outta ten guys don’t like that shit and if y’all think that Dobs is lying through his teeth, carry out your mini survey and get back at me wit’ the result.

Sunday, 9 October

12:13pm (I remember the time cause I had my alarm set jus’ so I could update my facebook status wit’ that unique time and date thing…09/10/11 12:13, yea yea, I know it’s mundane) Lol

Anyways, I was sittin’ in church yesterday tryin’ my hardest to concentrate; do you guys know how hard that is in a hot weather? I tried and tried to keep my freakin’ eye-lids open and you already know what the outcome was goin’ to be, huh? My ass was failin’ woefully…well, until some lady came through and took the sit in front of me and then, things changed for good and for bad dependin’ on how you view the events that followed.

I didn’t really see the chick’s face but I couldn’t escape the “hair” (if you were there, you woulda notice too, man)…a long ass weave, almost the touchin’ the ground when she sat, it was all up in my freakin’ face. Up until that moment, I had been usin’ the backrest of the chair as a pillow in my battle to steal some sleep and not be obvious about it; because of her devilish weave, your boy was gonna be exposed, I couldn’t pretend like I was prayin’ anymore. My ass had to sit upright from that moment on…Lol

Good thing I wasn’t goin to be able to snooze no more, right? Wrong! Even though, I couldn’t doze no more, I still couldn’t concentrate cause the chick kept fliggin’ her all almighty weave all over the place tryna clean the sweat that was poolin’ up on her neck and guess who was bearin’ the full brunt of those wayward weaves? Yep, you guessed it…the good Ol’ me! Every time she moved in response to the holy spirit (my guess), she vibrates and so did the burden on her head ( I meant hair)…what’s a good Christian like me to do, huh?

Thankfully enough, the ersatz hair didn’t smell bad…how did I know? I caught a noseful while tryna dodge those Brazilian export (am guessin’ its Brazilian cause I know these ladies go bonkers over that shit)

The weather is uncomfortable enough for a brotha like me keepin’ a ‘fro, I mean, I saw a bald-headed brotha constantly wipin’ sweat off his head every five minute…now y’all see where am goin’ wit’ this ,huh?

Monday, October 10

Fellas, please tell these ladies to quit playin’, weave jus’ doesn’t go wit’ a hot weather…on a 32 degrees summer’s day, a weave is to sweat what shit is to flies!