SHOPPIN' LIST

Tuesday

April 17

17:52

Soon as I swaggered up to the big assed-body-heat-detectin’ glass doors, it parted for me like the red sea did for that staff-wielding bearded nigga from the Old Testament and them Israelites. I remember once tellin’ a friend of mine that I like the way those doors slide open like the way the thighs of a hard workin’ prostitute does for a well-payin’ client and she looked at like me, “what an example!”. Truth is, if I was a teacher, none of my students would fail ‘cause I give easy and saintly examples.

A week earlier I’d had no such good fortune wit them doors. I’d missed the small written warnin’ that said the door was faulty and bumped headlong into the mutherfuckin’ doors before I realized it! Thankfully, no cracked skull or broken cell phones.

I sauntered into the mall like a man on a mission, I felt like Tom Cruise in mission impossible and I looked the part! Expensive brand-less dark shade in hand (don’t take my word for the shade bein’ expensive), backpack on my back, straight leg black jean on my ass and springs in my steps.

And what was my mission?

What! Nah, I wasn’t there to save the world or to perform heroics, those are jobs for Paul Blart the mall cop or Jack Bauer. I was there get me two oven-fresh breads!

Pick ‘N Pay

18:10

After stayin’ on the bread line for about four minutes I got two hot loaves. The smell and the warmth those loaves gave off kinda made me feel like every minute I spent waitin' on that line was worth well it. 

The four minutes’ wait was actually a quick time considerin’ that, at that time of the day on week days, one could stay on the line for at least ten minutes to get a freakin’ bread! Who does that? Breadaholics like me, that’s who! Wow, look, I even invented a new word…breadaholic. Lol! Some days while waitin’ on the queue, I’d fantasize about holdin’ the bakers at gun point and make ‘em reveal their recipe. Yeah, I know its idle thinkin’ but what else can you think about while waitin’ for bread, huh?

18:15

As I was walked away from the cashier with my precious loaves and my change, somebody wit a cheerful voice called my name, it was a voice I haven’t heard in more than a year, It was my friend Laura! I stuck out my hand tryna shake but she rewarded my modesty wit a hug, a side hug. 

What an abominable act! I protested, told her no lady gives Dobs a side hug, it was unacceptable. No half steppin’ when you’re huggin’ me, you better come through wit that full frontal put-it-all-on-me type of hug. She laughed and introduced me to her sister and her mum, told them bout how I used to give her hell and stuff back when we were studying for CIM (Chartered Institute of Marketing) together.

18:22

We caught up on a few gists as we made our way toward the exit but then remembered she had to get some wrist bead at one of the shops close to the entrance. She dragged me along and told me she’s goin’ to put it on my tab…I could hear tires screechin’ to a halt in my head! The not so-bad-lookin’ sales girls got their eyes (three pairs of ‘em) on me. What! Shawtie threw me in the spotlight jus like that! I could feel the four ladies’ eyes burnin’ into me, waitin’ on me, pro’ly holdin’ their breaths like they did when Romeo kissed Juliet or when Jack swapped spit wit Rose…I knew they were waitin’ on my response, so I let ‘em stew a few more seconds.

Wednesday

April 18

13:41

After I got done from the internet café, I rolled into the opposite shop (baby clothes and things) to holla at my friends there and what would you know, I walked into a freakin’ ambush…five grown ass chicks looked at me like an uninvited guest had crashed their little powwow but what the hell, I was already there and what I saw the ladies doin’ was too good to jus turn around and walk out. No way, Jose!

And what were the ladies doin’?

They were tryna cop themselves panties and bras!

I smiled to myself and told the ladies to get on wit their trade. The undies’ merchant retrieved her bag of goodies where she had hurriedly pushed it when I walked in. I grabbed a seat and watched as the ladies examined all kinds of boob hangers (a.k.a bras) and pants

Danglin’ a bra on her index finger, one of the chicks said, “you can’t jus sit here like that, get me of these”

What! Is this déjà vu or what? I told myself this shit can’t be happenin’ again but fuck, it was.

I did one-two and asked myself, “What would Johnny Bravo do if he was caught in this type of situation?”

“Oh, why should I buy a bra for you, huh?” I chuckled, “what would I chalk it down to?”

“C’mon, just buy” she urged

“Um, ok why don’t you let cop a good feel of your breasts and I’ll buy you one” I baited her

And guess what? She said yeah!

Oh mine, are you serious? To press her point home she up her rack in my face, darin’ me to feel upon them titties!

Back at the Shop wit’ Me and Laura

April 17

18:25

What! How a lady gon’ hit a brotha wit an unplanned expense jus like that, huh? Jus like that, boom outta the blues! Nah, I don’t roll like that so I put the ladies out of their misery so that they could breathe again, I told Laura, “Nah, am not goin’ to pay for that. I don’t have cash for that and even if I do, it wasn’t in my plan”

I know some of you ladies are pro’ly wringin’ your powdered nose at me right about now, callin’ me all kinds of names, huh? Did y’all jus call me cheap ass? Well, I got news for you…I can’t hear y’all *tongue out*

Outro

Did I cup a feel of those racks? Nah, I didn’t but its jus kinda funny what these ladies would let a man get away wit’ if he can hook that ass up wit some’ extra.

And oh, did I mention that my friend Laura was carryin’ a genuine brown Gucci leather bag and a pair of six inch heels to match?

SHOPPIN' LIST

Tuesday

April 17

17:52

Soon as I swaggered up to the big assed-body-heat-detectin’ glass doors, it parted for me like the red sea did for that staff-wielding bearded nigga from the Old Testament and them Israelites. I remember once tellin’ a friend of mine that I like the way those doors slide open like the way the thighs of a hard workin’ prostitute does for a well-payin’ client and she looked at like me, “what an example!”. Truth is, if I was a teacher, none of my students would fail ‘cause I give easy and saintly examples.

A week earlier I’d had no such good fortune wit them doors. I’d missed the small written warnin’ that said the door was faulty and bumped headlong into the mutherfuckin’ doors before I realized it! Thankfully, no cracked skull or broken cell phones.

I sauntered into the mall like a man on a mission, I felt like Tom Cruise in mission impossible and I looked the part! Expensive brand-less dark shade in hand (don’t take my word for the shade bein’ expensive), backpack on my back, straight leg black jean on my ass and springs in my steps.

And what was my mission?

What! Nah, I wasn’t there to save the world or to perform heroics, those are jobs for Paul Blart the mall cop or Jack Bauer. I was there get me two oven-fresh breads!

Pick ‘N Pay

18:10

After stayin’ on the bread line for about four minutes I got two hot loaves. The smell and the warmth those loaves gave off kinda made me feel like every minute I spent waitin' on that line was worth well it. 

The four minutes’ wait was actually a quick time considerin’ that, at that time of the day on week days, one could stay on the line for at least ten minutes to get a freakin’ bread! Who does that? Breadaholics like me, that’s who! Wow, look, I even invented a new word…breadaholic. Lol! Some days while waitin’ on the queue, I’d fantasize about holdin’ the bakers at gun point and make ‘em reveal their recipe. Yeah, I know its idle thinkin’ but what else can you think about while waitin’ for bread, huh?

18:15

As I was walked away from the cashier with my precious loaves and my change, somebody wit a cheerful voice called my name, it was a voice I haven’t heard in more than a year, It was my friend Laura! I stuck out my hand tryna shake but she rewarded my modesty wit a hug, a side hug. 

What an abominable act! I protested, told her no lady gives Dobs a side hug, it was unacceptable. No half steppin’ when you’re huggin’ me, you better come through wit that full frontal put-it-all-on-me type of hug. She laughed and introduced me to her sister and her mum, told them bout how I used to give her hell and stuff back when we were studying for CIM (Chartered Institute of Marketing) together.

18:22

We caught up on a few gists as we made our way toward the exit but then remembered she had to get some wrist bead at one of the shops close to the entrance. She dragged me along and told me she’s goin’ to put it on my tab…I could hear tires screechin’ to a halt in my head! The not so-bad-lookin’ sales girls got their eyes (three pairs of ‘em) on me. What! Shawtie threw me in the spotlight jus like that! I could feel the four ladies’ eyes burnin’ into me, waitin’ on me, pro’ly holdin’ their breaths like they did when Romeo kissed Juliet or when Jack swapped spit wit Rose…I knew they were waitin’ on my response, so I let ‘em stew a few more seconds.

Wednesday

April 18

13:41

After I got done from the internet café, I rolled into the opposite shop (baby clothes and things) to holla at my friends there and what would you know, I walked into a freakin’ ambush…five grown ass chicks looked at me like an uninvited guest had crashed their little powwow but what the hell, I was already there and what I saw the ladies doin’ was too good to jus turn around and walk out. No way, Jose!

And what were the ladies doin’?

They were tryna cop themselves panties and bras!

I smiled to myself and told the ladies to get on wit their trade. The undies’ merchant retrieved her bag of goodies where she had hurriedly pushed it when I walked in. I grabbed a seat and watched as the ladies examined all kinds of boob hangers (a.k.a bras) and pants

Danglin’ a bra on her index finger, one of the chicks said, “you can’t jus sit here like that, get me of these”

What! Is this déjà vu or what? I told myself this shit can’t be happenin’ again but fuck, it was.

I did one-two and asked myself, “What would Johnny Bravo do if he was caught in this type of situation?”

“Oh, why should I buy a bra for you, huh?” I chuckled, “what would I chalk it down to?”

“C’mon, just buy” she urged

“Um, ok why don’t you let cop a good feel of your breasts and I’ll buy you one” I baited her

And guess what? She said yeah!

Oh mine, are you serious? To press her point home she up her rack in my face, darin’ me to feel upon them titties!

Back at the Shop wit’ Me and Laura

April 17

18:25

What! How a lady gon’ hit a brotha wit an unplanned expense jus like that, huh? Jus like that, boom outta the blues! Nah, I don’t roll like that so I put the ladies out of their misery so that they could breathe again, I told Laura, “Nah, am not goin’ to pay for that. I don’t have cash for that and even if I do, it wasn’t in my plan”

I know some of you ladies are pro’ly wringin’ your powdered nose at me right about now, callin’ me all kinds of names, huh? Did y’all jus call me cheap ass? Well, I got news for you…I can’t hear y’all *tongue out*

Outro

Did I cup a feel of those racks? Nah, I didn’t but its jus kinda funny what these ladies would let a man get away wit’ if he can hook that ass up wit some’ extra.

And oh, did I mention that my friend Laura was carryin’ a genuine brown Gucci leather bag and a pair of six inch heels to match?

MY NUMBERS CAME UP?

Friday

March 30

23:50

I couldn’t stop myself from day-dreaming (or is it, wee-hour-of-the-mornin’ dreamin’) about the mega million jackpot that’s been drivin’ the Americans nuts. Wit the BBC, CNN and the social networkin’ sites goin’ on and on about it, there’s no way you could ignore that shit. The media freakin’ went into over drive, talkin’ and analyzin’ what the odds of winnin’ the pot were.

Professors of mathematics and all kinds of folks were tossin’ in their two cents sayin’ stuffs like ‘’the odd of winnin’ is 176 million to 1’’ or that your chances of winnin’ this mother of all lotteries is the same as doin’ a couple of thousand round trips around the globe on foot!

Wait for it, here’s my favorite of the bunch “the odds of one getting struck by lightning on a rainin day on a golf course wit a golf club in ones hand was even better.”

Yeah, those are the kinda things you get for bein’ a news junkie, huh? Funny thing is, I used to look at my pops funny back in the day for bein’ hooked on news. Well am on the same path now, I guess shit like that comes wit age, huh?

Saturday

March 31

06:00

Sittin’ up in bed, I listened to the play back of John Crow (the mega millions show host) reelin’ out the numbers on the ball as the gods of odds drop ‘em out…those life-changin’ winnin’ numbers (46 23 38 4 2).

Saturday

05:38

I woke up havin’ only slept for three and half hours, i reached for my cell phone to check if December 12, 2012 hadn’t come early, you never know wit all that’s goin’ on in the world today, Armageddon could bust in the door anytime while the world sleeps. I checked my facebook and twitter pages, nothin’ life-changin’, jus the usuals. A couple of clicks later, I was in my yahoo mail and somethin’ I saw in there gave me somethin’ to stupidly smile about.

I couldn’t kill the smile on my face as I read through the mail that was purportedly sent by Powerball company (the organizers of the Mega Millions Lottery) informin’ me that my numbers had come up…am a jackpot winner!

What!

Am a mutherfuckin’ jackpot winner! My daydream had come true. Somebody up there peeped into my daydream and freakin’ granted my unspoken wish.

Questions like “what if I won?” “What would I do wit the loot” that’s held my head in a choke-hold in the hours before the draw came to life again.

I know we’ve all at one time been involved in that vain mental exercise, imaginin’ all kinds of scenario and what we’d do when we win a jackpot, right?

What, you’ll never indulge your ass in such lazy man’s daydream!

You’re not jus liar, you’re a mutherfuckin’ liar!

Ok liar, hear’s your chance to daydream. Nobody’s watchin’. Go ahead and daydream about winnin’ that big assed jackpot or comin’ into sudden wealth. Lol!

Back to the congratulatory letter sent to by Powerball and Multi-State Lottery Association (MUSL)

The moment I saw the mail, I knew a scammer were workin’ overtime. I mean, how can a nigga livin’ somewhere in Africa win some American game show he didn’t go in for? What’s the chance of that…it’s gotta be the same as Angie Jolie bein’ my booty call, right?

Of course am not gon win jack from that jackpot ‘cause I didn’t play but then again, how could I? My ass is a million miles away from the action zone and even if I was there, am almost sure I wouldn’t play cause am not a lotto kinda guy but hey, whether I play lotto or not, this is the mother of all jackpots, the biggest fuckin’ jackpot in the history of the world, a jaw-droppin $164 million for some lucky mutherfucker (s)

April 11

02:01

I’d written this piece more than a week ago but somehow I didn’t finish it, maybe I even forgot about it until this mornin’ when I heard the news headline on BBC about what some of the jackpots winners and they said they gon’ do wit their loots.

Three school workers from Maryland (two teachers and an administrator), one winner from Kansas and a winner who’s yet to come forth in Illinois. These folks now talk funny, as in rich funny; talkin’ bout purchasin’ new homes in posh neighborhoods, back-packin’ through Europe, coolin in the wine country in Italy and shit.

In the meanwhile, keep thinkin’ about winnin’ a jackpot but before you tip the fuck over that sanity line, use the usual “if you don’t play, you don’t win” tagline used by lotteries around the world to bring my ass back to reality…now go buy a lotto or fuck lotto and work hard or better still, do both!

MY NUMBERS CAME UP?

Friday

March 30

23:50

I couldn’t stop myself from day-dreaming (or is it, wee-hour-of-the-mornin’ dreamin’) about the mega million jackpot that’s been drivin’ the Americans nuts. Wit the BBC, CNN and the social networkin’ sites goin’ on and on about it, there’s no way you could ignore that shit. The media freakin’ went into over drive, talkin’ and analyzin’ what the odds of winnin’ the pot were.

Professors of mathematics and all kinds of folks were tossin’ in their two cents sayin’ stuffs like ‘’the odd of winnin’ is 176 million to 1’’ or that your chances of winnin’ this mother of all lotteries is the same as doin’ a couple of thousand round trips around the globe on foot!

Wait for it, here’s my favorite of the bunch “the odds of one getting struck by lightning on a rainin day on a golf course wit a golf club in ones hand was even better.”

Yeah, those are the kinda things you get for bein’ a news junkie, huh? Funny thing is, I used to look at my pops funny back in the day for bein’ hooked on news. Well am on the same path now, I guess shit like that comes wit age, huh?

Saturday

March 31

06:00

Sittin’ up in bed, I listened to the play back of John Crow (the mega millions show host) reelin’ out the numbers on the ball as the gods of odds drop ‘em out…those life-changin’ winnin’ numbers (46 23 38 4 2).

Saturday

05:38

I woke up havin’ only slept for three and half hours, i reached for my cell phone to check if December 12, 2012 hadn’t come early, you never know wit all that’s goin’ on in the world today, Armageddon could bust in the door anytime while the world sleeps. I checked my facebook and twitter pages, nothin’ life-changin’, jus the usuals. A couple of clicks later, I was in my yahoo mail and somethin’ I saw in there gave me somethin’ to stupidly smile about.

I couldn’t kill the smile on my face as I read through the mail that was purportedly sent by Powerball company (the organizers of the Mega Millions Lottery) informin’ me that my numbers had come up…am a jackpot winner!

What!

Am a mutherfuckin’ jackpot winner! My daydream had come true. Somebody up there peeped into my daydream and freakin’ granted my unspoken wish.

Questions like “what if I won?” “What would I do wit the loot” that’s held my head in a choke-hold in the hours before the draw came to life again.

I know we’ve all at one time been involved in that vain mental exercise, imaginin’ all kinds of scenario and what we’d do when we win a jackpot, right?

What, you’ll never indulge your ass in such lazy man’s daydream!

You’re not jus liar, you’re a mutherfuckin’ liar!

Ok liar, hear’s your chance to daydream. Nobody’s watchin’. Go ahead and daydream about winnin’ that big assed jackpot or comin’ into sudden wealth. Lol!

Back to the congratulatory letter sent to by Powerball and Multi-State Lottery Association (MUSL)

The moment I saw the mail, I knew a scammer were workin’ overtime. I mean, how can a nigga livin’ somewhere in Africa win some American game show he didn’t go in for? What’s the chance of that…it’s gotta be the same as Angie Jolie bein’ my booty call, right?

Of course am not gon win jack from that jackpot ‘cause I didn’t play but then again, how could I? My ass is a million miles away from the action zone and even if I was there, am almost sure I wouldn’t play cause am not a lotto kinda guy but hey, whether I play lotto or not, this is the mother of all jackpots, the biggest fuckin’ jackpot in the history of the world, a jaw-droppin $164 million for some lucky mutherfucker (s)

April 11

02:01

I’d written this piece more than a week ago but somehow I didn’t finish it, maybe I even forgot about it until this mornin’ when I heard the news headline on BBC about what some of the jackpots winners and they said they gon’ do wit their loots.

Three school workers from Maryland (two teachers and an administrator), one winner from Kansas and a winner who’s yet to come forth in Illinois. These folks now talk funny, as in rich funny; talkin’ bout purchasin’ new homes in posh neighborhoods, back-packin’ through Europe, coolin in the wine country in Italy and shit.

In the meanwhile, keep thinkin’ about winnin’ a jackpot but before you tip the fuck over that sanity line, use the usual “if you don’t play, you don’t win” tagline used by lotteries around the world to bring my ass back to reality…now go buy a lotto or fuck lotto and work hard or better still, do both!

SUCKICIDE

Sunday

March 8

10:35

Sunday mornin’ I’d had my mind made up to achieve two things; one was to go to church early and that I did cause by the time I stepped in the church, it was half filled. I gave myself a pat on the back for tickin’ that box. I was fuckin’ early for the first time!

Second, I told myself I wasn’t goin’ to be havin’ no dealings wit the spirit of distractions but alas, the moment I sat my ass down in the last seat of the second to the last row, I noticed a tiny tot boucin’ around in his momma’s arms and a familiarly strange (if there’s anythin’ like that) image instantly leapt to mind and the second part of my Sunday resolution went out the door!

The little infant’s eyes were big and round and innocent but they reminded me of someone else, some grown ass punk who chickened out of an agreement we had. My first thought when I saw the kid was to snatch him from the mother’s arm and put a call through to the punk ass and tell him, “Schmuck, I got your lil boy. Pay me what you fuckin’ owe me or you’ll never set eyes on your son again!”

But of course I didn’t do nuthin’ like that, I jus sat there calmly like a good Christian I was and try to get my concentration on but gawd, the lil boy looked so much like Anderson and for a brief moment I wished he was right there so I could plant a ferocious right fist into his face and beat the Judas out of his punk ass.

I know y’all be thinkin’ “why is this guy driftin’ and havin’ violent thoughts in church?”

It’s not my fault, man. I’ve been havin’ thoughts of Bruce Lee’ing that nigga ass ever since he got the nerve up to blow up my phone one fine evenin’ in early March threatenin’ to hit me wit a court case. The ungrateful bastard said I stiffed him out of a deal when in fact he owed me. He was goin’ off on the phone about how he’d consulted wit his lawyer and shit. I mean, I knew this nigga wouldn’t even know what to do wit a lawyer even if he was offered a pro bono service!

10:36

Funny thing was that all those devilish thoughts (as some of you might refer to them) only lasted less than a minute! How’d I know? I checked my phone. Oops, you caught me. Yeah, I know I should’ve turned off the damn thing but hey, putting’ it on silent should count for somethin’, shouldn’t it?

11:05

The pastor performed a baby dedication and got right back into his sermon (he was already preachin’ when I got in the church but he snuck in the baby dedication cause the new mum was delayed).

And what was the title of the sermon was again?

Covenant partnership. Ah ha, oh, y’all thought I wasn’t payin’ attention, didn’t y’all? The pastor talked about how one needed to partner wit the good Lord by payin’ tithe and checkin’ ones first fruit in wit the God and shit. He went on to break it down on how hard it was for him in the beginnin’ to practice all those things he preached…

12:35

Anyways, that was the high point of the sermon for me and before long; I began to slip into idle mode again (what did say about idle minds and the devil’s workshop again?). I kept checkin’ the time and thinkin’ to myself that if the MOG (man of God) doesn’t wrap his production up by thirteen hundred that am gonna have to jet. I got the EPL (English premier league) on my mind. Vain stuff, huh? I know but who doesn’t need an escape? I thought so!

12:42

The little boy that got me thinkin’ about KO’ing Anderson ass earlier started cryin’, I caught his big innocent as the mother positioned him for some of that good ol’ breast suck. I quickly looked away as the young mother whipped out an enormous boob. And nope, I didn’t see the milk factory but then again, I don’t really need to see a boob to be able to gauge how big it is, do I?

12:44

Lil Anderson stopped cryin’ for a bit but a few seconds later, he kicked his cryin’ fest up a notch and that’s the kinda shit that’d chip away even at a monk’s patience.

I tried my best not to look at mother and child and whatever it was they were disagreein’ about but it became increasingly hard not to sneak a look. So I did what any good Christian who cared about his neighbor would do, I looked and what I saw was distressin to me. I mean, who covers their boobs when breastfeedin’ a baby, huh?

This chick had the baby’s head covered whilst tryna shield her breast from bein’ exposed. Lil nigga was sweatin’ like a sailor in the boiler room. I wanted to slap the chick upside the head and tell her to fuckin’ let the baby suck that mutherfuckin’ boob freely (isn’t that one of the lil fella’s fundamental human right, huh?) but instead, I tapped her on the shoulder and said; “don’t you think your son needs to breath. You got his beautiful head covered”.

SUCKICIDE

Sunday

March 8

10:35

Sunday mornin’ I’d had my mind made up to achieve two things; one was to go to church early and that I did cause by the time I stepped in the church, it was half filled. I gave myself a pat on the back for tickin’ that box. I was fuckin’ early for the first time!

Second, I told myself I wasn’t goin’ to be havin’ no dealings wit the spirit of distractions but alas, the moment I sat my ass down in the last seat of the second to the last row, I noticed a tiny tot boucin’ around in his momma’s arms and a familiarly strange (if there’s anythin’ like that) image instantly leapt to mind and the second part of my Sunday resolution went out the door!

The little infant’s eyes were big and round and innocent but they reminded me of someone else, some grown ass punk who chickened out of an agreement we had. My first thought when I saw the kid was to snatch him from the mother’s arm and put a call through to the punk ass and tell him, “Schmuck, I got your lil boy. Pay me what you fuckin’ owe me or you’ll never set eyes on your son again!”

But of course I didn’t do nuthin’ like that, I jus sat there calmly like a good Christian I was and try to get my concentration on but gawd, the lil boy looked so much like Anderson and for a brief moment I wished he was right there so I could plant a ferocious right fist into his face and beat the Judas out of his punk ass.

I know y’all be thinkin’ “why is this guy driftin’ and havin’ violent thoughts in church?”

It’s not my fault, man. I’ve been havin’ thoughts of Bruce Lee’ing that nigga ass ever since he got the nerve up to blow up my phone one fine evenin’ in early March threatenin’ to hit me wit a court case. The ungrateful bastard said I stiffed him out of a deal when in fact he owed me. He was goin’ off on the phone about how he’d consulted wit his lawyer and shit. I mean, I knew this nigga wouldn’t even know what to do wit a lawyer even if he was offered a pro bono service!

10:36

Funny thing was that all those devilish thoughts (as some of you might refer to them) only lasted less than a minute! How’d I know? I checked my phone. Oops, you caught me. Yeah, I know I should’ve turned off the damn thing but hey, putting’ it on silent should count for somethin’, shouldn’t it?

11:05

The pastor performed a baby dedication and got right back into his sermon (he was already preachin’ when I got in the church but he snuck in the baby dedication cause the new mum was delayed).

And what was the title of the sermon was again?

Covenant partnership. Ah ha, oh, y’all thought I wasn’t payin’ attention, didn’t y’all? The pastor talked about how one needed to partner wit the good Lord by payin’ tithe and checkin’ ones first fruit in wit the God and shit. He went on to break it down on how hard it was for him in the beginnin’ to practice all those things he preached…

12:35

Anyways, that was the high point of the sermon for me and before long; I began to slip into idle mode again (what did say about idle minds and the devil’s workshop again?). I kept checkin’ the time and thinkin’ to myself that if the MOG (man of God) doesn’t wrap his production up by thirteen hundred that am gonna have to jet. I got the EPL (English premier league) on my mind. Vain stuff, huh? I know but who doesn’t need an escape? I thought so!

12:42

The little boy that got me thinkin’ about KO’ing Anderson ass earlier started cryin’, I caught his big innocent as the mother positioned him for some of that good ol’ breast suck. I quickly looked away as the young mother whipped out an enormous boob. And nope, I didn’t see the milk factory but then again, I don’t really need to see a boob to be able to gauge how big it is, do I?

12:44

Lil Anderson stopped cryin’ for a bit but a few seconds later, he kicked his cryin’ fest up a notch and that’s the kinda shit that’d chip away even at a monk’s patience.

I tried my best not to look at mother and child and whatever it was they were disagreein’ about but it became increasingly hard not to sneak a look. So I did what any good Christian who cared about his neighbor would do, I looked and what I saw was distressin to me. I mean, who covers their boobs when breastfeedin’ a baby, huh?

This chick had the baby’s head covered whilst tryna shield her breast from bein’ exposed. Lil nigga was sweatin’ like a sailor in the boiler room. I wanted to slap the chick upside the head and tell her to fuckin’ let the baby suck that mutherfuckin’ boob freely (isn’t that one of the lil fella’s fundamental human right, huh?) but instead, I tapped her on the shoulder and said; “don’t you think your son needs to breath. You got his beautiful head covered”.

THE SPECIAL UNINVITED GUEST

Friday
23 March 2012

18:10

I was ready to leave the central business district but then I got a call from some guy who wanted me to hook his ass up wit some cash so I had to temporize. The dude had to be in another part of the country the next mornin’ and he was way short on his transport fare. So in comes the money man (me) to save the fuckin’ day like a mutherfuckin’ superhero! What? Nah, I’ve not been sippin’ on some of that Bill Gate philanthropic brew, it was all on a business tip!

So, I walked to an acquaintance’s shop to get my wait on. The shop keeper shook my hand without takin’ his eyes off some preacher who was doin’ his thing on the television. Curious as to why this nigga was so captivated by the televangelist, I tried watchin’ too but my interest only lasted for about three minute. I fished out a copy of the Gentleman’s Quarterly’s January/February edition (the South Africa’s edition) from my packed backpack and got lost in it.

Some few minutes, the shopkeeper murmured loudly to himself, “ah, some pastors are not interesting. I tried to listen but he’s not jus catching my attention”

I raised my head to look at the TV, at that moment the camera sweepin’ over the faces of some members of the congregation and they looked very much like they were catchin’ every alphabet of every word the pastor was throwin’ at them.

I thought to myself, are these guys really understandin what the man of God was sayin’ or were they jus puttin’ in an act for the cameras?

Put the Blame on God

God, the devil and love are humans’ favorite scapegoats; we blame all kinds of shit on ‘em. Ask a serial killer why he kills, he’ll pro’ly tell you the devil (or God) made him do it.

Some years ago I read about some infamous late 1970s New York serial killer nick named Son of Sam (real name David berkowitz) who claimed he was commanded to kill by a demon who possessed his neighbor’s dog…incredible shit, huh?

And oh, I know y’all know about all these Manchurian candidates a.k.a brain washed kids a.k.a terrorists who’ve come to believe their own bullshit about doin’ God a favor by killin’ the infidels. How the fuck can you believe a mullah sits comfortably away from harm (he and his fam) and churns out sermon after sermon tellin’ you to go into the world and suicide-bomb everythin’ walkin, huh? These cats even sweetens the whole narrative by tellin’ the would-be suicide bomber that seventy two untouched pussies will be waitin’ on each of their asses in the afterlife! Ridiculous shit!

Jus the day other day, I read about some Man of Dog, oops, meant man of God who set some lady on fire. Nigga claimed that God instructed him to do it cause the shawtie was possessed! Unadulterated bull crap, if you ask me. If I was the law, I’d tossed the man of dog’s ass in the big house (prison) where them brutal gay wolves would build a house in that butt!

And where am I goin’ wit all these tales by moonlight?

Sunday
Church service
18 March

12:15

Sittin’ two rows to the exit as usual, I was tryin’ so hard to concentrate (ok, maybe I didn’t try hard enough) but instead of soakin’ the preacher’s words in, I was busy tryna kill an erection that’d come out of nowhere! I swear I wasn’t even thinkin anythin’ sexual but hey, am not even goin to blame it on the devil…am jus gon’ do like Akon and put the blame on myself. But seriously, who does that? Who gets an erection in church, am I the only one?

Some minutes later, I succeeded in getting myself out that “stiff” situation and it was all thanks to two things, one was me gettin myself to concentrate on singin’ as the congregation sang and the other was a certain gentleman sittin’ six seats away on the middle row.

12:56

I didn’t notice when the young man came in the church (must have been while I was tryin’ to lose the growth in my pant) but I knew he wasn’t there before. The guy was hard to miss. He was dressed like an Eskimo, you wouldn’t be wrong to think that he was would headed for Iceland wit the way he was clad in three layers of shirts, a grey lookin’ pant and a pair of Adidas sneakers (that the manufacturer musta forgotten they'd made ) and guess what? The temperature was about 32 degrees!

The next time I looked his way, dude was almost fallin’ over backward in his chair…nigga was dozin’ and from the way his mouth was opened, I coulda swore I heard the nigga snorin’ heavily!

An usher came and shook him awake (and that was after he realized that ordinary taps on the shoulder couldn’t cut it.) The whole drama of dozing and being told to wake the hell up (by the same usher) continued until the pastor called out that folks who wanted special breakthrough should come to the front so that he’d anoint ‘em.

The young man walked to the front wit about ninety percent of the congregation and I might add that the dude didn’t jus get up and walk willingly to the front, the usher practically dragged his ass there!

13:20

And what about me, did I go to the front for some anointment too? Umm, Nah. truth is, I was ready to get  the fuck out the church cause the service gettin' too long for but one thing kept holdin' my ass back and nope, it wasn’t the holy spirit.

So, what kept me there in?

I wanted to see if somethin’ dramatic would happen when the pastor lays hand on the “Eskimo”. But what was so special about that, you asked?  Trust me; if y’all were in my shoes, you’d loved to see if somethin’ miraculous would go down cause the “Eskimo” was a mad man!

OUTRO

So did the miraculous happen? Nope, at least not the way movies have made us believe…but for me, the real miracle was in the mad man comin’ into the church out of his free own will. Umm, did I say free will? Well, may be an external influence told him to, “get your crazy ass to church today, son”.